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A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

A Jew and a non-jew are traveling on a train together when suddenly the goy asks “Why are you Jews so smart?”
The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says “its because of all the herring we eat.”
A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it.
The goy asks “how much herring do you have?” and the jew answers “a dozen pieces”.
“And how much do you want for a piece?”
“20 kopecks” (a lot of money).
The man hands the money over and the jew gives him a piece of herring.
“He takes a bite and says suddenly “I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few
kopecks”.
To this the jew responds “see… your getting smarter already.”

Q: Why do italians never get acne?
A: Because the pimples just slide off their faces

Kosher celebration cards that had to be withdrawn from sale

* Congratulations on your wedding day – Sorry to hear that no one likes your wife
* Congratulations on your new bundle of joy – It’s surprising that 2 beautiful people like you can have such an ugly baby
* I’ve always wanted someone to love – But after meeting you, I’ve changed my mind
* You brought religion into my life – I never believed in hell until I met you
* Looking back over the years we’ve been together – I can’t help but wonder – What the hell was I thinking?
* As the days pass by – I think how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me
* If I get only one thing for Chanukah – I hope it’s your sister
* As you grow older Mummy – I think of all the gifts you’ve given me – like the need for therapy
* Congratulations on your promotion – Before you go, take your knife out of my back – you’ll need it again
* One day I hope to get married – But not to you
* Sorry things didn’t work out between us – I can’t handle men with bigger breasts than mine
* Happy Birthday. You look great for your age – Almost lifelike
* You always said you’d die for me. So now we’ve broken up – I think it’s time for you to keep your promise
* We’ve been friends for a long time – What say we call it quits?
* I’m so miserable without you – It’s almost like you’re here with me
* Congratulations on your new bundle of joy – Did you ever find out who the father was?
* You’re a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship with only one life jacket – I’d miss you heaps and think of you often
* Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday – So we’re having you put to sleep

Moishe came home from work one day to find his wife, Yvonne, sitting on the front door step with her bags packed. Moishe asked her where she was going, and Yvonne replied, “I’m going to Las Vegas.”
Moishe questioned her as to why she was going, and Yvonne told him “I just found out that I can make



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