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Irving can?t seem to find the right girl, so his mother hires a matchmaker. The matchmaker tells him,?I think I have the perfect girl for you. She?s descended from royalty, she?s a multi-millionaire, she has a Ph.D. in quantum mechanics, she?s a beauty contest winner, an Olympic athlete, and a world-class cook. She?s got a villa in Spain and a fleet of yachts. She?s also got the nicest personality of anyone you?ve ever met. But there?s one problem: she?s not Jewish.?
Irving says,? My mother will never go for it. “The matchmaker says, Leave it to me.”
And so she starts going to work on the mother. At first, the mother says?Absolutely not.? She refuses even to hear of it, and throws the matchmaker out of the house. Over many weeks, however, the matchmaker wears down her resistance. The matchmaker points out all the advantages that the match has for her son, and how unlikely it is that he will ever get another such opportunity. The matchmaker also points out,?Look, Mrs. Mandelbaum, I don?t mean to speak out of turn, but your boy Irving isn?t getting any younger. To tell you the truth, he?s not so good looking, he doesn?t have a good job, he?s out of shape, he?s scrawny, he?s short, he?s not too bright, he?s still living with his mother, and he?s not exactly irresistible. Let me tell you, this is the best we?re going to get. It may be your son?s last chance. Are you really going to stand in the way of your son?s happiness?
The son chimes in too:?Look, Ma, I’ve tried and I’ve tried, and I’ve gotten nowhere. This is the only chance I have. I don?t want to be a lonely old man. Please let me do it!?
Tearfully, the mother finally gives in and agrees to the match.
The matchmaker claps her hands together and says,?Great! Now half my work is done!?

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by z” and “w” by v

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won’t buy a car if it can’t go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don’t know half the words in the “Star Spangled Banner”.

We’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.

We’re the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

We’re supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can’t deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

Moishe telephoned his wife Sadie. “Sadie, darling, I’ve got some good news. You know that Lloyd Webber musical you’ve always wanted to see?”
“Well, I’ve just bought us two tickets to see it.”
“Oh Moishe, that’s marvellous. I’ll start dressing immediately.”
“Sadie, that’s just what I wanted to hear you say. The tickets are for tomorrow night’s performance.”

A north London congregation decides to honour their Rabbi for his 25 years of dedicated service by giving him tickets and money for a week, all-expenses paid holiday to New York.
When Rabbi Bloom arrives and checks into his hotel room, he is surprised to find a naked girl lying face down on his bed. Without saying a word, Rabbi Bloom picks up the phone, calls his synagogue long distance and says, “Where is your respect? As your Rabbi, I am very, very angry with you.”
On hearing this, the girl gets up and starts to get dressed.
Rabbi Bloom turns to her and says, “Where are you going? I’m not angry with you.”

© 2015