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Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?
A: A matzochist.

Isaac’s wealthy parents stop at nothing to ensure that their son’s barmitzvah is one their family and friends will remember for a long time. So Isaac reads his barmitzvah piece in front of a ‘full house’ at the St John’s Wood Synagogue, followed on the Sunday by a tremendous barmitzvah party at the Ritz Hotel which goes on well past midnight.
The next day, Isaac doesn’t wake up until mid morning. He opens his tired eyes and there, waiting by his bedside, is his father. “Hi Dad,” says Isaac, “is anything the matter?”
“Not at all, son,” replies his father. “It’s just that now you are of age, I feel today is a good time to start teaching you how to survive in business.”
“Oh dad,” says Isaac, “do we really have to? I’m so tired.”
“Yes we do,” replies his father, “it won’t take long.”
Isaac watches his father leave his bedroom and then return with a decorator’s two-legged step-ladder. His father opens up the ladder in the middle of the bedroom floor and says, “OK Isaac, all you need do is climb up to the top.”
“But it’s too wobbly, dad,” says Isaac. “I might fall and hurt myself.”
“There’s no need to worry,” says his father. “Nothing will happen. I will hold it steady for you.”
So Isaac walks over to the ladder and starts to climb, one slow step at a time and when he reaches the top he begins to smile a bit. All of a sudden his father pushes the ladder over and Isaac takes a nasty fall, hitting his head on the wardrobe.
Rubbing his head vigorously, Isaac shouts at his father, “Why on earth did you do that, dad? You could have killed me.”
“It’s OK Isaac,” replies his father, “this was the first and most important business lesson of many I will be teaching you – ‘Trust No One.”

“Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too, but who cares?”

Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel and Shmerel are talking about moving to the USA.
Berel says, “When I emigrate to New York, Im going to have to change my name. They wont call me Berel anymore, theyll call me Buck.”
Cherel says, “When I emigrate to New York, Ill also have to change my name. Theyll call me Chuck.”
Then Shmerel says, “Well Im not going anywhere.”

Two Jewish students were rooming together in Manchester and they always shared the cooking of the evening meal.
One day, when Sam came home, he did not find a hot meal waiting for them, only sandwiches. So he asked Moshe, “What’s with the cheese sandwiches? You promised to cook us roast beef for tonight.”
Moshe replies, “I did! But the roast beef caught fire and it spread to the vegetables so I had to put it out with the chicken soup.”

© 2015