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An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

Maurice and his wife Sadie were asleep one night when suddenly, at 2am in the morning, the phone rang. Sadie picked it up.
She listened to the caller then said, “How the hell should I know. It’s 95 miles away.” She then hung up.
Maurice asked, “Who was that?”
Sadie replied. “Some mad woman wanting to know if the coast was clear.”

Back in the cowboy days, the westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.
The leader rushed to him and said, “We’re lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?”
“Vell,” the old Jew said, “I vouldn’t go up dat hill und down de other side. Somevun told me you’ll run into a big bacon tree.”
“A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.
“Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie.”
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
“So why did he say not to go there?” some pioneers asked.
“Oh, you know those Jews-they don’t eat bacon.”
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Jew, who’s enjoying a “glassel tea.”
The near-dead man starts shouting. “You old fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone.”
The old Jew holds up his hand and says “Oy, vait a minute.”
He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. “Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake.”
“It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!”

Moshe is 80 years old and is in doctor Myers’ office discussing the results of his recent medical check-up. Doctor Myers finishes looking at the cardiogram and says, “Mazeltov, Moshe. I’m pleased to be able to tell you that your health is absolutely A1. You have good lungs, your blood pressure is fine for someone your age, and this cardiogram shows that your heart will go on beating for many more years yet. So come back in 2 years time and I’ll give you another check-up.”
Moshe shakes the doctor’s hand and says, “Thanks doctor, I was worried about my health before I came here, so I’m glad all is OK.” He then leaves.
But within seconds of Moshe leaving the office, doctor Myers hears a loud thump from the reception area. He rushes out and to his horror sees Moshe lying flat on his back next to the reception desk. He checks Moshe and quickly discovers that Moshe is dead. “Oy veh, what happened?” doctor Myers asks his receptionist.
“He walked past me then fell stiffly backwards to the floor, just like a tree being felled,” she replies.
Doctor Myers bends down, puts his hands under Moshe’s arms and says to the receptionist, “grab hold of his feet for me please.”
“Why do you want me to do that?” she asks. “Shouldn’t we leave him as he is for the ambulance men to take?”
“No, definitely not,” replies doctor Myers. “We must turn him around right now.”
“Why?” asks the receptionist.
“To make it look like he was coming in,” replies doctor Myers.

It is with great stress (emotional and physical) and unbelievable financial hardship beyond your comprehension, that Rebecca and I cordially invite you to join us in kvelling over our wonderful son, Jonathan Sam, as he is called up to read the maftir and haftorah on his barmitzvah day.
Jonathan Sam’s special service takes place on Shabbes, May 19 at the Hendon United Synagogue. We realize this service might take place on FA Cup final day, but you can always tape it – the match that is, not the service.
The service commences at the ungodly (please excuse the language) hour of 9 o’clock in the morning and we would like you to be there at this time, even though you dont really need to be there until 10.30am, when the real action starts.
The service lasts for three hours and we hope you will be able to survive our rabbi’s speech and our chazan’s voice. If you do, you can skip the kiddush (which is usually only biscuits and grape juice) which will take place in the Ladies Guild room. This is just for those not invited to our main affair which takes place later on that evening.
So please join us at 7pm for an over-the-top, shmaltzy, ostentatious semi-kosher evening meal at the MCC (Mishegass Country Club). Rebecca wants me to mention that we had to join the MCC just to book their hall and, oy vay, you wouldn’t believe how much they charged us.
We’ve booked lots of expensive and noisy entertainment, including Minky’s Kosher Jammers Orchestra (with 6 singers) and Moshe the Jester.
Apart from Jonathan Sam’s friends, the guests will include 50 unruly teenagers, no doubt wearing expensive outfits and fake bling, and 70 middle-aged adults with lots of botox and real bling. At least a quarter of the guests will be hormonally and/or chronologically challenged, while others will act stupid while under the influence of the Palwin table wine we’ve ordered. And no doubt many will complain about the food (we would hope that you won’t be one of them.)
Please have the courtesy to complete the enclosed RSVP card in the next few days. I don’t want to receive it at the last minute – I just cant take any more stress. Also note that if you indicate on the card that you will be attending, I will have no choice but to invoice you $100 per person if you subsequently don’t show up for any reason.
In terms of what present to give Jonathan Sam, may we suggest it should be: flat; made of paper; with a signature and account number on it; and presented inside a small white envelope. Any other types of gift are a waste of your time and ours.
We hope you can make it.
PS Please bring your own kippot as I dont have any money left to buy these.

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