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Becky is making love to her ‘toy boy’ when she hears her Bernie’s car coming up the drive. “Hurry,” she says to him, “stand in the corner, my husband’s here.” Becky quickly rubs baby oil all over him and dusts him with a thick layer of talcum powder. “Dont move until I tell you to,” she whispers to him, “pretend youre a statue.”
“Whats this, darling?” says Bernie as he enters the bedroom.
“Oh, its just a statue,” replies Becky. “The Golds next door bought one for their bedroom and when I saw it, I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
Nothing more was said, not even when they later go to bed for the night.
At 2am, Bernie quietly slips out of bed, goes down to the kitchen and returns with a cold salt beef sandwich on rye and a glass of orange juice. “Here,” he whispers to the statue, “eat this. I stood like a shmuck at the Golds for 2 days and nobody even offered me a glass of water.”

Clever signs

* Over a gynaecologist’s office – “Dr. Levy, at your cervix.”
* On Yitzhak the plumbers truck – “I repair what your husband fixed.”
* Also on Yitzhak the plumbers truck – “Dont sleep with a drip. Call me.”
* On Cohen’s Pizza shop – “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
* Also on Cohen’s Pizza shop – “Buy my pizza. I knead the dough.”
* In Moshe the plastic surgeons office – “Hello. Can I pick your nose?”
* On Hyman the electricians truck – “Let me remove your shorts.”
* On a maternity room door at a Jewish hospital – “Push. Push. Push.”
* At Benny the optometrists office – “If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.”
* In Abe the podiatrists office – “Time wounds all heels.”
* In Shlomo the veterinarians waiting room – “Back in 5mins. Sit! Stay!”
* In Issy’s restaurant window – “Dont stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”
* In the front yard of Isaac’s funeral home – “Drive carefully. Ill wait.”
* On Benjy’s radiator shop – “Best place in town to take a leak.”

Moshe Goldstein is on his deathbed… his family gathers round him..
“Melvin, my son, are you there?” he croaks
“Yes, father, I’m here” comes the dutiful reply

“Miriam, my beloved daughter, are you there?”
“Yes, father, I am here”sobs his daughter

“Sarah, my darling wife, are you there?” he cries

“Yes, Moshe, I am here… I am right here” she sobs


A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom.”

So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, “I am Michael O’Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list and says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the preacher, “that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?”

“Up here, we go by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept — while he drove, people prayed.”

Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

____ M
____ F
____ Not sure

Shoe Size:
____ Left
____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher

Spouse’s Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name:______________________
3rd Spouse’s Name:______________________
Lover’s Name:__________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______

Mother’s Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Father’s Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4
(Circle highest grade completed)

Do you
(_) own or
(_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196___

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes
(_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you’ve seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:

Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?

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