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My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They have two daughters, with a son on the way. The wife has been taking the daughters to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the older daughter whispers in her mother’s ear, “Can we go home now?”
“Not yet”, replies her mother, “the Mass is only half over.”
“We can go now, Mommy. I’m half-Jewish.”

Freda and Ethel, both in their eighties, are sitting on a bench outside Edgware town hall where they had just visited the annual flower show. Freda turns to Ethel and says, “Don’t you agree that life is getting more and more boring? We don’t seem to be able to have the fun we used to.”
“I agree with you there,” says Ethel.
“Do you know,” continues Freda, “I’d love to take off all my clothes and run naked through the flower show. That would liven things up.”
“I bet you $5 you wouldn’t dare,” says Ethel.
“Youre on!” says Freda and 2 minutes later, completely naked, she ‘streaks’ through the front door of the flower show.
As Ethel waits outside, she hears a commotion going on inside the town hall. Then Freda, still naked, runs back out, followed by a smiling, cheering crowd.
“What happened, Freda?” asks Ethel.
“I just won 1st prize for Best Dried Arrangement.”

Hetty and Hannah hadn’t seen each other for some time when they bumped into each other in Brent Cross shopping centre.
“So Hetty, how is your grandson, the proctologist, doing?”
“My grandson is no longer a proctologist, Hannah. He decided to become a dentist instead.”
“A dentist! Why the change in career?”
“Business is business, Hannah,” replied Hetty, “Let’s face it, everyone starts off with thirty-two teeth but have you ever heard of anybody who has more than one tuchas?”

Q: How can you tell a Jewish baby boy in a nursery?
A: He’s the one with the heartburn.

Old Emanuel dies. All of his life he’d been dealing in second-hand cuff links and never got rich as a result. But one month after Emanuel’s death, his widow Leah gets a shock, and surprise, when 3 cheques arrive in the morning’s post – one cheque for each of the 3 life assurance policies Emanuel had taken out without her knowing. She adds up the 3 cheques and, Oy Veh, she’s rich – they total more than $175,000. She immediately phones her daughter.
“Suzy,” she says, “your dear father, God bless his soul, worked long and hard all his life to provide for us. We lived poor but contented. But now, just when we get some real money, Emanuel is not around to enjoy any of it.”

© 2015