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80-year-old Rachel is very upset indeed when she calls the police on her mobile phone. She cries, “Help me please. I’m in Golders Green and my car’s been broken into. The thief has stolen the CD player, the steering wheel, the gearshift lever and the pedals. Oy vay, what will I do?”
The dispatcher says to her, “Stay calm, madam, I’ll ask a police officer to get to you as quickly as possible.”
Ten minutes later, the police control centre gets the following message from the police officer, “Please disregard the distress call. The lady got in the back-seat of her car by mistake.”

It was several weeks before Pesach. I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar that my wife instructed me to empty. She said, “Empty each and every bottle down the sink,” so I proceeded with the task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink, poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and put the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I’m not under the affluence of incohol, but thinke peep I am. I’m not half so thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies, “except they won’t let you fart.”

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a mobile phone on a bench starts to ring. Sidney picks it up, engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
“Hello,” says Sidney.
“Honey, it’s me,” says a woman, “are you at the club?”
“Yes,” replies Sidney.
“Well I’m at the shopping centre,” she says, “and I’ve found a beautiful leather coat. It’s $450. Can I buy it?”
“OK, ” says Sidney, “go ahead and buy it if you like it that much.”
“Thanks,” she replies. “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and had a close look at the 2003 models. I saw one that I really liked.”
“How much was it?” asks Sidney.
“$37,000,” she replied.
“For that price,” says Sidney, “I want it with all the options.”
“Great,” she says. “Just one more thing. That house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re only asking $750,000 for it now.”
Sidney says, “Well then, go ahead and buy it, but don’t offer more than $720,000.”
“OK,” she says, “I’ll see you later. I love you.”
“Bye, I love you too.” says Sidney and then hangs up.
The other men in the locker room who heard all of this conversation are looking at Sidney in astonishment.
Then Sidney shouts out aloud, “Does anyone know who this mobile phone belongs to?”


How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

Aig – What a hen lays

Aints – He’s got aints in his paints

Paints – What cha put on your laigs of a mornin

Arn – Ma’s tard of arnin

Bag – He bagged her to marry him

Bobbed – A bobbed wire fence

Bresh – He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

Bub – the light bub burned out

Cheer – What you set in

Crick – A small stream

Clum – He sure clum that tree fastern any ‘coon

Chiny – country over in Asia

Chuch duds – Sunday go-to-meetin clothes

Core – He got hisself a new Ford core

Cyow – Animal on Farm

Deppity – He helps out the shurf

Dribbed – He dribbed milk on his shirt

Dainz – Satidy night social

Ellum – A graceful tree

Fanger – What you put your rang on

Faince – Whats round the hawg lot

Far – What get the brandin arn hot

Furred – He got furred from his job

Flar – A rose is a purdy flar

Frash – Them aigs ain’t frash

Furiners – All non-’bamans

Further – Hits ten miles further to town

Grain – She was grain with envy

Hail – Where bad folks go

Hep – Poor George, he can’t hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Hern – It aint hern, it’s his’n

Hilbilly – People in the next county

Hollar – Whats between the hills

Hard – Got a brend new hard

hand Tar – His core blew a tar

Laymun – A sour fruit

Laig – Most folks have two of them

Lather – What you climb up

Liberry – Where you go to check out books for larnin

Mailk – what you get from cyows

Mere – What you see your self in

Minners – Live bait

Misrus – Married Woman

Nar – Opposite of wide

Nayk – Your head sets on it

Nup – No

Orrel – Them hinges need orrel

Ormy – What the sojers go in

Pank – A light red color

Parch – Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

Petition – What separate the rooms

Poke – A paper bag or sack

Pokey – What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke

Salit – A green vegetable

Puppet – What the preacher is in

Purdy – She is purdy as a pitcher

Purt near – Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig

Rang – You wear it on your fanger

Rut – That there tree sure has long ruts

Rah cheer – I was born rah cheer in town

Rainch – A big cow farm

Rat – Do it rat now!

Rench – Rench the soap yourself

Roont – She plum roont her shoes

Salary – A stringy vegetable

Soardeens – Small canned fish

Shar – A light rain

Gully Worsher – A medium heavy rain

Toad strangler – A heavy rain Sody

Pop – A soft drink

Sprang – Water out’n the ground

Shurf – The Shurf put Clem in jail

Storch – This here aprn has to much storch in it

Skeered – that plumb skeered me to death

Thanks – He shore thanks he’s smart

Tho – Tho me the ball

Thoat – I shore got a sore thoat

War – A bobbed war fance

Worsh – Go worsh your face

Warter – What you worsh your face in

Yurp – A continent overseas

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