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One day, Moshe is walking past the wooden fence at the side of the local Mental Care Home for Jewish People when he hears the residents inside chanting, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!”
Moshe is quite a curious kind of man and wonders, “Is there a barmitzvah or batmitzvah going on inside?” So he searches for a suitable hole in the fence and then he looks in. Immediately, someone inside the fence pokes him in the eye with their finger.
Then the chanting begins again, “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”

Two old Jewish men are pushing their trollies around the supermarket when they collide.
The first guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The second old guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The first old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The second old guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts.
What does your wife look like?”
The first old guy says, “Doesn’t matter – - let’s look for yours…!

The following was overheard at a recent ‘high society’ party.
“My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great,” said Christine.
She then turned to Miriam and asked, “How far back does your family go?”
“I don’t know,” replied Miriam, “All of our records were lost in the flood.”

Irwin Meyers was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Kitty, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”
Flattered, Kitty continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, “You’re cute.”
“What happened to ‘beautiful’?” Kitty asked Irwin.
“The drugs are wearing off,” he replied.

The Yo-Yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays

Rosh Hashanah – Feast
Tzom Gedalia – Fast
Yom Kippur – More fasting
Sukkot – Feast
Hashanah Rabbah – More feasting
Simchat Torah – Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan – No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on ourselves.
Hanukkah – Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet – Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B’Shevat – Feast
Fast of Esther – Fast
Purim – Eat pastry
Passover – Do not eat pastry
Shavuot – Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz – Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B’Av – Very strict fast (don’t even think about cheesecake or blintzes.)
Month of Elul – End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before the High Holidays arrive again.

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