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Arkansas man had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, “I have a flat tarr.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers! ?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either.”

Ben was in a hospital ward with two non-Jews. On his first morning, Ben puts on his tefillin, but the non-Jews can’t figure out what he is doing. Finally, one says to the other, “Look how smart those Jews are! He’s taking his own blood pressure.

Morry, the President of Edgware Amalgamated shul, is not as ‘orthodox’ as the shul’s committee would like him to be. But he knows a lot of influential people and gets things done. So they don’t complain too much about him.
This year, on the shabbes before Rosh Hashana, they decide to give him the honour of an aliyah and the shul’s gabbai goes over to him to tell him of the decision.
But Morry panics. “Oy vay, I just can’t do this,” he says to the gabbai. “I can’t read Hebrew properly and I’ll embarrass everyone when I try to read the blessings. Please give the honour to someone else.”
“But Morry,” says the gabbai, “you must accept some kind of honour – after all, you are the shul’s President.”
“I understand that,” says Morry. “Is there some other kind of honour that doesn’t require me to speak Hebrew?”
“How about gelilah?” replies the gabbai.
“What is gelilah?” asks Morry, looking puzzled.
The gelilah gets involved just after the torah is lifted at hagbah,” replies the gabbai. “As soon as the torah is lowered, the gelilah puts on the cover, breastplate and crown. The gelilah can then sit down – his job is over.”
“Well that seems fine to me. I can handle that,” says Morry. “It’s a deal. I accept.”
Fifteen minutes later, it’s hagbah time and Morry is up there waiting for the torah to be lowered. He then puts on the cover, breastplate and crown as instructed and goes back to his seat feeling very pleased with himself. The gabbai immediately goes over to him and whispers, “Morry, I didn’t mean on YOU, I meant on the torah!”

shul: synagogue
shabbes:The sabbath, which lasts from sunset on Friday to sunset on Saturday
Rosh Hashana: The Jewish New Year
gabbai: Synagogue warden
aliyah: To be called up to read a portion of torah scroll in synagogue.
gelilah: the person who “dresses” the torah
hagbah: the torah “lifter”

Three cheers for Dennis Miller…

When commenting on the celebrities who are parading against war, he said: “I say we create a new airline called the ACLA, the American Civil Liberties Airline, where you don’t check anybody, you don’t ask any questions, and let those morons fly on that one.”

Yitzhak and Fay are travelling by car to Scotland. It is now quite late in the evening and after many hours on the road they are too tired to continue. So they decide to find somewhere to sleep for six hours and then get back on the road. They find a nice hotel and book a room.
Later, when they check out, the receptionist hands them a bill for $250. Yitzhak is angry because the charge is so high. He tells the receptionist that the rooms aren’t worth anywhere near $250 and asks to speak the Manager.
The Manager listens to Yitzhak and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a conference centre that were available for Yitzhak and Fay to use.
“But we didn’t use them,” Yitzhak complains.
“Well, they are here and you could have,” explains the Manager.
The Manager then explains they could have taken in the variety show for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers in the UK perform here,” he says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains Yitzhak again.
“Well, we have them and you could have,” the Manager replies.
Yitzhak gives up, writes out a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
“But sir,” the Manager says, “this cheque is only made out for $75.”
“That’s right,” says Yitzhak. “I charged you $175 for sleeping with my wife Fay.”
“But I didn’t,” exclaims the Manager.
“Well,” Yitzhak replies, “she was here and you could have.”

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