Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100253 jokes and pictures!


Renee is talking to her friend Talya. “So Talya,” she says, “you’re telling me that you want to divorce your Mervyn due to incompatibility problems?”
“Yes, you’ve got it in one,” Talya replies.
“Why? Aren’t your relations any good?” asks Renee.
“Well,” replies Talya, “mine are wonderful, but Melvyn’s… ..Oy! what yachnas and krechtzers!”

yachna: a gossip, a busybody, a meddling, troublemaking female
krechtzer: a complainer, someone who grunts and groans all day

Pick up lines you should say when in shul they should work

1. Pray here often?
2. I must have great kavanah, because I think my prayers have just been answered.
3. This Social Hall may have been dedicated in 1946, but I’ve been dedicated to you ever since you entered the room.
4. Hagbah is easy but picking up a girl like you is intimidating.
5. I see you are using the new linear siddur. Does that mean a lame one-liner might work on you?
6. You are the reason we need a mechiztah in this shul.
7. Since we’re in a beis knesset, do I have a chance of getting to base with you?
8. The rabbi’s sermons can put people to sleep. Care to hear his shiur together?
9. You know, I had my bris down the hall in this shul. Want to see where?
10. Don’t let my tallis-bag fool you – I got it for my Bar-Mitzvah.
11. This kiddush ginger-ale is quite flat. Unlike you.
12. Just like the Ner Tamid, my love for you burns eternal.
13. Isn’t this conspicuosly funny
14. Like the tenth man to make a minyan, you… complete… me.
15. You had me at Adon (Olam).
16. Like an incoherent chazzan, I’d like to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
17. I think I’ve lost my page number. Can I have yours?
18. Won’t you bimah, bimah baby tonight.
19. I may bless God that “He did not make me a woman”, but I’m sure glad He made you one!
20. You know, I think you owe me a back rub; my neck is sore from noticing you up in the women’s section all morning…
21. I notice that your Artscroll Siddur is dog-eared at Tehillim. Could I be what you’ve been praying for?
22. The Tenth Commandment prohibits us from coveting our neighbor’s property. I sure hope you live across town!
23. You must feel fortunate to have a minyan wherever you go, cause baby, you’re a 10!
24. Do you wear a hat to shul even in warm weather? Would you like to?

The Yom Kippur service was coming to an end. In the ladies gallery, Esther, an elderly widow, just couldn’t take her eyes off the young, good looking chazzan who was blowing the shofar to signify the arrival of another new year, She had been obsessed with him for some time and believed she was in love with him.
When the service ended, the chazzan took off his tallit and turned round to talk to one of the congregation. This was her chance. Esther immediately grabbed his tallit and walked away with it – but the Rabbi had seen her. He went over to her and said, “Esther, why don’t you give back the tallit you just took?”
“What tallit?” said Esther.
“The one I just saw you take from our chazzan and hide under your dress, that’s what tallit,” answered the Rabbi.
Esther could deny it no longer. As she raised her dress to remove the tallit, which was tucked into her pantyhose, and because she was so nervous being caught out by the Rabbi, she couldn’t control herself and let out a loud flatulence.
The Rabbi responded, “And when you’ve removed the tallit, could you please also give back the shofar.”

- Waiter… Waiter… Do you have frog legs?
- No!… I always walk this way!

- Waiter… Waiter… Do you have frog legs?
- Yes Sir! – Then hop over there and get me a sandwich !

- Waiter… Waiter… There is a fly in my soup!
- Not for long Sir! Look at the spider on the side of your plate !

- Waiter… Waiter… There is a hair in my soup!
- For $2.00 what do you want!? the whole wig!?

Little Benny and little Sarah are at Edgware infants’ school. One day during lunch, Sarah says, “Benny, do you want to play mummies and daddies with me?”
Benny replies, “OK. What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to communicate your thoughts,” she says.
“Communicate my thoughts?” says Benny, “I have no idea what that means.”
Sarah instantly smirks and with a knowing look says, “That’s fine then. You can be the daddy.”



© 2015 ijokedb.com