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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he’d ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: “Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?” The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about. ” The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and says: “Ask him again!” The attorney signs to the underling: “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”
The bookkeeper signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!” The Godfather asks the attorney: “Well, what’d he say?”
The attorney replies: “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex:
____ M
____ F
____ Not sure

Shoe Size:
____ Left
____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher

Spouse’s Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name:______________________
3rd Spouse’s Name:______________________
Lover’s Name:__________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______

Mother’s Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Father’s Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4
(Circle highest grade completed)

Do you
(_) own or
(_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196___

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes
(_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you’ve seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left______
Right_____

Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?

There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.

“Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don’t send any Jews. Please, no Jews,”

The lieutenant replied, “No problem ma’am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness.”

Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. “But… But… There must be some mistake,” she stammered.

One of them replied, “No ma’am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn’t make mistakes.”

Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

2. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

3. Remember: “Y’all” is singular, “All y’all” is plural, and “All y’alls’” is plural possessive.

4. Get used to hearing “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

5. You may hear a Southerner say “Oughta!” to a dog or child. This is short for “Y’all oughta not do that!” and is the equivalent of saying “No!”

6. Don’t be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can’t understand you, either.

7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol’,” as in “big ol’ truck ” or “big ol’ boy.” Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

9. Be advised that “He needed killin’” is a valid defense here.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim “Hey, y’all, watch this,” stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.

11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Paul and Natalie have invited their elderly rabbi for dinner. While they’re in the kitchen preparing the meal, the Rabbi is in the dining room with their 5 year-old daughter.
“So tell me, Emma,” asks the rabbi, “do you know what we’re having tonight?”
“Goat,” replies Emma.
“Goat?” says the startled rabbi. “Are you sure about that, Emma?”
“Oh yes, rabbi,” replies Emma, “I heard daddy say to mummy, Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.”



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