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During the Israeli-Arab war, the Arabs were getting slaughtered. Their general called his men together, look men we have to take drastic action. Shoot on sight any Israelis, no questions asked.
It was getting late. A very young Israeli man comes wandering down the path towards the Arab camp.
The Arabs decide to have some fun. Look, we’re supposed to execute you but we’ll let you go if you pass 3 tests.
There are 3 tents, in the first is a bottle of liquor, which you must drink completely without stopping.
In the second is the Sheik’s favorite lion who has had a thorn in his paw for 3 days and no one has been able to get close enough to get it out. You must remove the thorn.
In the third is the Sheik’s favorite wife. She has not been happy in a long time. You must satisfy her.
The young man cautiously approaches the first tent, enters and they hear him chugging the entire bottle in one long breath. He stumbles out feebly and on to the next tent.
The Arabs hear nothing but loud roaring and the shredding of fabric. Then dead silence. They are sure he is dead. A few moments later however, the young man emerges unscathed but his clothes are in tatters. He exclaims, “Well I believe that should do it for the Sheik’s Favorite Wife – now where’s that Lion with the thorn in his paw?!”

Did you know that “verb” is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can’t spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you’ve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn’t this also mean that you would have to “member” somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?

What is another word for “thesaurus”?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word “irregardless”?

Why do some people type “cool” as “kewl?”

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?

Why don’t we say “why” instead of “how come”?

Why is “crazy man” an insult, while to insert a comma and say “Crazy, man!” is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Issy drives his friend Hyman to the shops in Golders Green. As they get out of the car, Issy locks the doors in such a hurry that he forgets to remove the ignition key first.
“Oy vay,” says Issy.
“Why don’t we get a coat hanger to open the door,” says Hyman.
“No, I don’t think that’ll work,” replies Issy, “because passers-by will think we’re breaking into the car.”
“OK,” suggests Hyman. We can use a penknife to cut the rubber seal around the driver’s door, then I can stick in a finger and pull out the key.”
“No, absolutely not.” replies Issy. “Passers-by will think we’re stupid for not using a coat hanger,.”
“OK,” says Hyman, “you’d better think of something else and quick. It’s starting to rain and your sun roof’s still open.”

Abe went to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi,” he said, “I would be grateful if you could explain the Talmud to me.”
“Very well, Abe,” said the Rabbi, “First, I need to ask you a simple question.”
“If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean, which one washes himself?”
“The dirty one,” replied Abe.
“No, Abe. They look at each other. The dirty man thinks he is clean but the clean man thinks he is dirty and washes.”
“Now another question,” said the Rabbi.
“If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean, which one washes himself?”
Abe smiled, “You just told me that one, Rabbi. The clean man, because he thinks he is dirty.”
“No, Abe.” said the Rabbi. “They each look at themselves. The clean man knows he doesn’t have to wash and the dirty man washes himself.”
“Now one final question,” said the Rabbi.
“If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other one comes out clean, which one washes himself?”
This time Abe frowned, “I don’t know, Rabbi. It could be either one, depending on your point of view.”
“No Abe,” said the Rabbi. “If two men climb inside a chimney, how could either of them come out clean? They are obviously both dirty and so they both wash.”
Abe was now thoroughly confused, “Rabbi, you asked me exactly the same question three times, yet you gave me three different answers. Are you playing games with me?”
“No, Abe, I would never joke with you. This is Talmud.”

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
“Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.
“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a Man for you.”
“What’s a Man, Lord?”
“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be very competitive; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”
“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
“But, what’s the catch, Lord?”
“Well… you can have him on one condition.”
“What’s that, Lord?”
“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring… So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first… Just remember, it’s our little secret—You know, Woman to Woman.”

© 2015