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Benjy was showing off again. He says to Shlomo, “I’ve just bought the best hearing aid money can buy. It cost me $3,000, but it’s state of the art so it’s worth every penny.”
“What kind is it?” asks Shlomo.
“A quarter to twelve,” replied Benjy.

Bernard, an elderly Jew, is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but Sarah, his wife, persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.
Bernard returns home, and Sarah says –
“Nu, vos zogt der doktor?” ["So? What did the doctor say?"]
“Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky.” ["The doctor says I have a flucky."]
“Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?”
“I don’t know – he didn’t say, and I forgot to ask.”
Well, by this time Sarah is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbours “My Bernard was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don’t know what to do!”
Neighbour #1 says, “In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best thing for a flucky.”
Neighbour #2 says, “What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that’s the only thing to do for a flucky.”
Cold, heat! Oy! Now thoroughly agitated, Sarah decides to call the doctor herself. “Doctor, please tell me, what’s wrong with my husband?”
“I told him… nothing’s wrong. He got off lucky.”

A band at an Italian wedding decided to take requests.
Nunzio walks up and asks, “Scuse me, do youse guys know da song ‘Strangers in da Night’?
The band leader says, “Sure we know that one.”
Nunzio says, “Hey! dat’s great! But I got just one favor – could youse play it in 5/4 time?”
“Isn’t it played in 4/4 time?” the band leader asked.
“Yeah, but dis here’s a special occasion, know whut I mean?”
The band discusses amongst themselves, then the leader turns and says, “I don’t think we’ll have any problems.”
Nunzio turns and yells out, “Hey, Cousin Vinnie! C’mon up here and sing!”
Cousin Vinnie walks up to the mike as the band begins the intro, and then starts to sing, “Strangers in da fuckin’ night… “

Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a toolbox, what does a mohel carry?
A: A Bris-kit!

As Morris nears his 60th birthday, he decides to prepare his will and goes to see Patrick, his solicitor. They spend a couple of hours putting together the details. Just before Morris leaves, he says to Patrick, “I have two final requests to make. Firstly, I want to be cremated and secondly, I want my ashes scattered over Brent Cross shopping centre.”
“Why Brent Cross?” asks Patrick.
“Because then Ill be sure my wife will visit me twice a week,” replies Morris.

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