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PERSONAL HYGIENE

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DINING OUT

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family)

Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since…
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 1000 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back soft drinks and a candy bar.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Issy had never been on a train in his life. One day, he decided that as it was a lovely sunny day, he would try a train ride. Off he went with his yarmulke on his head, a shtick of vusht under one arm and a blackbread & some herrings in a jar in the other. He sits down in a plush compartment and gets settled down to fress. Suddenly, a porter pops his head in and says. “Sir, you will have to leave this compartment. It’s reserved for the Archbishop of Canterbury.”
Issy replies “Vell, how do you know I’m not de Archbishop of Canterbury?”

Religious Quickies

* A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending – and they should be as close together as possible.
* Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
* Photons have mass? I didnt even know they were Catholic.
* Im convinced that God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, Im so far behind, I don’t think Ill ever die.
* Adam said to Eve, “Ill wear the plants in this family.”
* Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
* On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, “Lets see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.”
* And on the seventh day, God said, “Let there be Danish.”

In a recent national survey wops were asked what they feared the most.
Here are their top answers.

1. hard work
2. taxes
3. honesty
4. shortage of garlic
5. women without facial hair
6. cuts to welfare
7. nose shrinkage
8. children dating non Italiens
9. white people
10. shortage of drugs

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go
by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a ‘Star of David’ in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.”

The beggar behind the ‘Star of David’ listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.”



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