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Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

23rd Psalm for Jewish Princesses

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He leadeth me to Brent Cross
He giveth me energy for shopping
He restoreth my credit card
He teacheth me to make restaurant reservations
He leadeth me past Woolworths for mine own sake
Yea, though I walk by Next, I shall not go in, for thou art with me.
Thy fashionable clothes they comfort me
Thou preparest diamond jewellery for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my face with Chanel cosmetics
My cup overflows
Surely designer clothes shall follow me to the end of my days
And I will walk on Golders Green Road forever.

Nathan and Hannah are celebrating Nathan’s 50th birthday on a cruise ship. Suddenly, on the evening of the 4th day, whilst they are standing at the back of the ship watching the moon, a storm develops from out of nowhere and a wave comes up and washes Hannah over the side. She can’t swim and although they search for her all day, they can’t find her. At their next port of call, the captain sends Nathan ashore and promises that he will call him should they find something.
Three weeks go by when finally Nathan gets a fax from the captain. It reads: –

FAX from the captain to Nathan:
I’m sorry to have to inform you that when our deep sea divers went looking for your wife, they found her dead at the bottom of the ocean. But there’s some good news. When we hauled her up to the deck, attached to her toches was an oyster and in it was a large pearl which I have had valued at $30,000. Please advise.

Immediately, Nathan sends the following fax back to the captain: –

FAX from Nathan to the captain:
Please send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.

There was an english man an irish man and a jewish man and they all decided to go in a helicopter. While they were up in the sky the english man threw a dagger out of the door, the irish man threw a sword out of the door and the jewish man threw a bomb out of the door. When they landed the english man went home and found his dad sitting on the floor crying so he said “whats up dad?” and his dad said “a dagger has just fell from the sky and stabbed your mum.”
Then the irish man went home and found his sister sitting on the floor crying so he said “whats up sis?” so she told him “a sword fell from the sky and stabbed mum and dad.” Then the Jewish man went home and found his dad lying on the couch crying with laughter so he said “whats so funny pop?” so his dad replied ” i’ve just farted an next doors house blew up!”

Manny approached the Rabbi of his Reform Synagogue and said “Rabbi, please make me a Cohen.”
The Rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible.
Manny offers the Rabbi



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