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There was a father a mother and their three sons. It was Thanksgiving day, so the father went out with his bee-bee gun to the farm to shoot a turkey.
He loaded his bb gun with 3 bb’s and went out and shot a turkey, and brought it home. His wife cooked the turkey and it was time to eat.
Shortly after they started eating the first boy jumps up and says mom can I please be excused, and his mother said sure go ahead the family resumes eating 2 minutes later the boy came down screaming “MOMMIE MOMMIE I WAS PEEING AND A BEE-BEE CAME OUT!!”, so the mother consoles him and says its ok honey, it happens, don’t worry you’ll be ok.”
About 5 minutes later the 2nd boy jumps up and says mom can I be excused and the mother says sure. Shortly after that he comes running downstairs screaming “MOMMIE MOMMIE, I WAS PEEING AND A BEE-BEE CAME OUT!!!!!!” His mother said don’t worry just like it told your brother its ok.”
Next the third boy says mom can I please be excused she says sure so he leaves and goes upstairs and a little later he came running downstairs screaming “MOMMIE MOMMIE” but before he could finish his mom interrupted and said “Let me guess, you were peeing and a bee-bee came out??”
He says, “No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”

One day, as soon as she woke up, Hannah decided that she was sick and tired of all her husband Arnold’s blonde jokes and how he thought that all blondes were stupid. To show Arnold how wrong he was and to prove to him that blondes really were smart, Hannah decided to decorate two rooms while he was at work.
When Arnold returned home that evening, he immediately smelled the distinctive aroma of wet paint. He went into the dining room and there he found Hannah lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He couldn’t help but notice that she was wearing her fur coat on top of her ski jacket.
He went over to her and asked, “Are you OK, darling?”
She replied, “Yes, of course I am.”
“So what on earth are you doing dressed like that?” he said.
“Darling,” she said, “I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb and I wanted to do it by painting some rooms in our house.”
“But why are you wearing your fur coat over your ski jacket?” he asked.
“I was reading the directions on the paint can, “she replied, “and it said… .

It’s shabbes and Yitzhak and his young son Aaron are on their way to shul. Yitzhak is watching Aaron pick his nose. “Why are you breaking the commandment ‘thou shall not work on shabbes’, Aaron?” asks Yitzhak.
“I’m not, dad,” says Aaron, “what work do you think I’m doing?”
“Digging,” replies Yitzhak.

Kosher celebration cards that had to be withdrawn from sale

* Congratulations on your wedding day – Sorry to hear that no one likes your wife
* Congratulations on your new bundle of joy – It’s surprising that 2 beautiful people like you can have such an ugly baby
* I’ve always wanted someone to love – But after meeting you, I’ve changed my mind
* You brought religion into my life – I never believed in hell until I met you
* Looking back over the years we’ve been together – I can’t help but wonder – What the hell was I thinking?
* As the days pass by – I think how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me
* If I get only one thing for Chanukah – I hope it’s your sister
* As you grow older Mummy – I think of all the gifts you’ve given me – like the need for therapy
* Congratulations on your promotion – Before you go, take your knife out of my back – you’ll need it again
* One day I hope to get married – But not to you
* Sorry things didn’t work out between us – I can’t handle men with bigger breasts than mine
* Happy Birthday. You look great for your age – Almost lifelike
* You always said you’d die for me. So now we’ve broken up – I think it’s time for you to keep your promise
* We’ve been friends for a long time – What say we call it quits?
* I’m so miserable without you – It’s almost like you’re here with me
* Congratulations on your new bundle of joy – Did you ever find out who the father was?
* You’re a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship with only one life jacket – I’d miss you heaps and think of you often
* Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday – So we’re having you put to sleep

Doctor Jacobs finished his examination and informed Herman that he was in perfect health. “But what about my headaches?” Herman moaned.
“I’m not at all worried about your headaches,” Dr. Jacobs replied.
“If you had my headaches, doctor, I wouldn’t worry about them either,” said Herman.

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