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Sarah was walking with her little son on the sea shore when suddenly a big wave came and swept away the boy. Sarah was very desperate and asked Adonai for help; she would be even more devoted to Him, serve him with even bigger enthusiasm. Suddenly a miracle happened, the big wave came back and threw the boy unharmed on the sand. Sarah
started kissing him,making sure he is alright, she sent a grateful prayer to Him and addede: “Ehm, but you know, Lord, he is still missing his yarmulke.”

There are two theories on how to successfully argue with a Jewish mother. Unfortunately, neither works.

I am a Italiano One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel.
In a morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate.
She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch!
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock.
She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
So, I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed.
He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: ” Peace on you.”
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy!

Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks and maidels,
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels.
The menorah was set on the chimney, just right,
In the kitchen my Bubbe hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt,
while dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah gelt.

The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin,
and Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
while Bubba was now on the herring and rye.
I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes,
While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those latkes.

To the window I ran and to my surprise,
A little red yamulke greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw our menorah,
“Yiddishe kinder,” he said, “Kenehora.
I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,
but as long as I am here, I’ll leave a few toys.”

With much geshray, I asked, “Du bist a yid?”
“Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid.”
“Come into the kitchen, I’ll get you a dish,
A guppell, a schtickla fish.”
With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlech and kreplach gegessen.
Along with his meal, he had a bissle schnapps,
For when it came to eating, this boy was the tops!

He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
but they were so hot, he yelled, “Oy gevalt!”
Unbottoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch,
and said, “Your kosher essen is simply delish.”
As he went to the door, he said “See you later.
I’ll be back next Pesach, in time for the seder.”

More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
as he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
“Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzchak, now Sammy,
now Irving and Maxie and Moishe and Manny.”
He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight,
“A gutten yomtov to all, and to all a good night.”

Sadie and Rose were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser having a chat.
Sadie says, “So nu, Rose, how’s that daughter of yours?”
Rose replies, “She’s OK thanks. She married a fantastic man. He’s got such a good job in the City that she gave up her secretary’s job. She stays at home but never needs to cook, because he always takes her out, or clean the house, because he got her a maid, or worry about my 2 lovely grandchildren, because he got her a live-in nanny.”
Sadie then asks, “And how’s your son?”
Rose replies, “His life is awful. He married a bitch from hell. She never cooks anything and makes him take her out to dinner every night. God forbid she should vacuum a carpet, so she made him get her a maid. He has to work like a dog because she refuses to get a job and she never takes care of my grandson because she made him get her a nanny.”

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