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One Sunday morning, Rebecca drops in to see her mother. “Mum, there’s a marvellous speaker coming to our shul this afternoon. You must come with me. You’ll like it. It’s going to be very interesting.”
“Why?” asks her mother, “what’s the talk about?”
“It’s about, THE ROLE OF REGULAR SEXUAL INTERCOURSE IN JEWISH MARRIAGE,” replies Rebecca.
“I’m not interested,” says her mother, “I’ve given already.”

This man is kicking back in Mexico, its’s a beautiful day, and he’s having lunch in a nice little cafe. Relaxed, he starts to think about home, family and things Jewish. Realizing he hadn’t seen any synagogues since he had gotten off the plane, he decided to ask the waiter about it. So he calls him over and asks, “Do you have Mexican Jews here? The waiter is taken aback just a little and says, “I dont’t know, I’ll go and find out for you”. A couple minutes later he returns and says ” I’m very sorry sir, All we have is orange juz and tomato juz”.

Sadie is holidaying in Israel and goes to the post office for some stamps for her Chanukah cards. “Can I have 50 Chanukah stamps please?”
“Of course,” says the clerk, “what denomination?”
“Oy vay,” says Sadie, “has it come to this already? OK, give me 14 liberal, 28 reform and 8 orthodox stamps please.”

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________

Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex:___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female____both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___

Please list:

Brand of cell phone: ________.
(If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check haircolor:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)

[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:

a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ________
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ________

TEST

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:

a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).

In the event of an earthquake, should you:

a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:

a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You’re not sure what “rain” is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?

a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium

If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:

a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:

a) Pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready,
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we’re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, “a pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork!” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, “My God, what are you doing?”

And the New Yorker responds, “So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!



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