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After a judge signs the final divorce papoers of a Jewish couple, the woman says, “Thank you, Your Honor, now I have to arrange for a GET” The judge asks, “What’s a Get” The woman explains, ” A GET is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.” The Judge asks, “A religious ceremony like a bris?” “Yes, she replies, “very similar only in this case you get rid of the whole schmuck!”

Two Jews who work for Chevra Kadisha preparing bodies for burial receive a new corpse.
One of them opens his eyes wide and pointing to the mans penis exclaims in amazement
“Nu Yossle, have you ever seen something like this?”
To which Yossl replies,
“Abraham my friend, mine is exactly the same.”
Abraham, greatly surprised, inquires,
“So large?”
Yossl replies, “No, so dead!!!!!”

In a recent national survey wops were asked what they feared the most.
Here are their top answers.

1. hard work
2. taxes
3. honesty
4. shortage of garlic
5. women without facial hair
6. cuts to welfare
7. nose shrinkage
8. children dating non Italiens
9. white people
10. shortage of drugs

A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, “Father, you’re a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn’t charge you anything, it’s on the house.” The priest is most grateful and says, “Thank you, my son” and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for a shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, “You don’t have to give me any money, you’re a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I just couldn’t charge you anything, it’s on the house.” The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 rubies on his doorstep.
The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a haircut and a beard trim. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, “No, Rabbi, I couldn’t ask you to pay anything, it’s on the house, you are a learned and wise man, go in peace.” The Rabbi blesses him and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.

Issy and Hetty, a young orthodox married couple, were expecting their first baby. Unfortunately, Hetty’s water broke on Shabbos and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital’s maternity ward. Because Issy wanted to try and minimise the Shabbos violation, he told the controller that he must send them only a non-Jewish driver.
The taxi quickly arrived, but when Issy and Hetty were getting in, they overheard the controller on the two-way radio ask the driver, “Have you picked up the anti-semites yet?”



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