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Three rabbis were talking over a regular Sunday morning breakfast get-together.
Rabbi Ginsberg says, “We have such a problem with mice at our schul. The shammos sets all kinds of baited traps but they kept coming back. Do either of you learned men know how I can get rid of these vermin?”
The second rabbi, Rabbi Cohen, replied, “We have the same problem at our synagogue, we’ve spent all kinds of gelt on exterminators but the problem still persists. Any suggestions?”
The third rabbi, Rabbi Slosberg, looked at Rabbi Ginsberg and Rabbi Cohen and told the following story:
“Rabbis, we had the same problem with mice at our synagogue. We tried traps, exterminators, even prayers; but nothing worked. Then one Shabbos after services were over a brilliant idea came into my mind. The next Shabbos I went to the synagogue about an hour before services started. I brought a big wheel of yellow cheese and placed it in the center of the bima. Well, soon, hundreds of mice appeared on the bima and headed for the cheese. While they were feasting on the cheese, I bar-mitzvahed all of them. I have never seen any of them in shul again!”

* You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

* You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

* You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

* You can make instant sun tea.

* You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

* The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

* You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

* You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

* You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

* Hot water now comes out of both taps.

* It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

* You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

* You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

* No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

An Orthodox Jewish couple are wondering what to get their son for his upcoming Barmitzvah. So when he gets home, they ask him:
“So, David, what would you like for your Barmitzvah?”
He replied, “I would love a motorbike!”
When David had left the room the Jewish couple talked about this amongst themselves. They had no idea what a motorbike was! So, they went down to their synagogue and told the Orthodox Rabbi that their son wanted a motorbike for his Barmitzvah but they didn’t know what it was.
“I have no idea!” he said to the couple’s surprise. “You’ll have to ask the Reform Rabbi down the road.”
So the couple walked down the road and asked the same question to the Reform Rabbi. But his reply was the same as the Orthodox Rabbi:
“I don’t know! You’ll have to ask the ultra-mega Reform Rabbi further down the road.”
So, the couple walked further down the road and found the ultra-mega Reform synagogue. They walked inside and said to the Rabbi there:
“Our son wants a motorbike for his barmitzvah but we don’t know what one is… can you help us?”
And the ultra-mega Reform Rabbi replied, “Woah, woah, woah, slow down a bit! First things first: what’s a Barmitzvah?”

The time had arrived for Moshe to take his Leah to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor told them that he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than Moshe had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, Moshe felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. Moshe was still feeling fine. The doctor checked his blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
Moshe continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out Leah considerably, Moshe encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. Leah delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
Leah and Moshe were ecstatic. When they got home, they found their milkman dead at their front door.

Moshe and his friends Abe, Max and Nathan meet at Brent Cross shopping centre for a coffee – as they do every Monday. They sit down and Moshe starts to discuss the importance of regular medical check-ups. He asks his friends, “So when did you all last have a medical?” All reply it was years ago. So Moshe tells them of doctor Myers, a wonderful doctor he went to and who gave him the best examination he’s ever had. He suggests they each contact doctor Myers and book a check-up ASAP. They agree to do so and take down the doctor’s phone number.
The following Monday, Moshe asks his friends, “Nu, how went the medicals?”
“After my check-up,” says Abe, “doctor Myers asked me how old I was. I said I was seventy and he said I could expect to live another 30 years. I was so relieved and happy to hear that.”
“After my check-up,” says Max, “doctor Myers also asked me how old I was. When I said I was eighty he said I could expect to live another 20 years. You can’t believe how fantastic it was for an eighty-year old to hear that.”
Nathan is looking very sad and doesn’t say anything at first. But Moshe eventually persuades him to discuss how his medical went. “Being older than all of you,” says Nathan, “I have been loathe to see a doctor. But when Moshe told us of doctor Myers, I reluctantly booked to see him. After my check-up, the doctor asked me how old I was. When I said I was ninety, he looked at me and said, ‘Thanks for coming. Have a nice day.'”

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