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The following quotes were taken from actual medical records from Israeli hospitals…

• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
• I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

An Israeli and an Arab tank collide. The Arabs run out shouting: “I surrender, I surrender!” The Israelis run out shouting: “Whiplash, whiplash!”

Abe and Sarah have been married for over fifty years. Sarah is preparing dinner for the two of them, as she has hundreds of times before.
Sarah asks Abe whether he wants chicken soup or matzo soup for dinner. Abe replies, “I would like matzo soup tonight, thank you”. Sarah begins crying loudly. Abe, very concerned, asks Sarah why she is crying so much. Sarah, with tears rolling down her cheeks, replies in question, “don’t you like my chicken soup”.

A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning.
Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “shmuck”
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced: “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter.”

Benny from Haifa passed away and was sent ‘below’. He was amazed, however, to discover lush vegetation, running streams, waterfalls and beautiful lakes everywhere. Everyone seemed happy.
“You look surprised,” said a resident.
“Yes, I am,” replied Benny, “I expected hell to be very dry and exceedingly hot. Like a desert. But all I can see are trees full of all kinds of fruit, beautiful flowers, lots of vegetables, lush grass and water everywhere. This is not hell”
“Well,” said the resident, “it used to be like you thought, but then the Israelis started to arrive and they irrigated the hell out of the place!”



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