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Shlomo’s business had done so well that he treated himself to a brand new 5 litre Mercedes convertible. When he picked up the car from the dealers, he decided to take it out on a spin on the Motorway. Soon he was driving at 80 mph with the wind blowing through his hair. “This is brilliant,” he said to himself and increased his speed a bit more. But a quick look in his rear-view mirror showed him a police car with flashing lights coming up quickly behind him.
Shlomo thought, “I can easily get away from him,” and he started to accelerate away. But then he had another thought, “What the hell am I doing? This is madness,” so he quickly pulled over to the side of the road and waited.
The police car pulled up behind him and a policeman got out. He walked up to Shlomo and said, “This just might be your lucky day, sir. Today is Friday the 13th and my shift ends in 3 minutes. If you can give me one good reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off with just a warning.”
Shlomo looked at the policeman and said, “Last week, my wife Sadie ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back. That’s why I was trying to get away from you.”
The policeman said, “Enjoy the rest of your day sir.”

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father
says to his oldest son, “Tony, why you-a such a fat-a fuck?”
Tony says, “Poppa, it’s-a Mama’s spaghetti! I can’t-a stop-a eating it.”
Poppa says, “You should-a take-a smaller bites!”
Then Poppa says to his middle son, “Michael, why you-a such a fat-a fuck?”
Michael says, “Poppa, it’s-a Mama’s lasagna. I can’t-a stop-a eating it, it’s-a so good.”
Poppa says, “You should-a also take-a smaller bites.”
Then Poppa says to his youngest son, “Fredo, how you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a?”
Fredo says, “It’s-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a pussy.”
Poppa says, “Pussy? Pussy, that’s-a taste like shit!”
Fredo says, “Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!”

Yossel the Hassid is in London on business. It’s now one hour to shabbes and he’s all dressed up in his special shabbes clothes ready to go to a local shul. He takes the lift to the ground floor and walks towards the exit. As he reaches the reception area, he sees a stunning British Airways air hostess with blond hair and a face and figure he could die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel, she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him.
“Hello,” she says to him.
“Hello to you too,” he says.
“I have a confession to make,” she says.
“What is it?” he asks.
“I have a sexual fantasy,” she says.
“Nu, so go on,” he says.
“I’ve always wanted to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis and my fingers through his beard, play with his peyess, eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play with his shlong and then shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say?”
Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says, “And whats in it for me?”

Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, “Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!”
To which David replies, “Of course he does, you tell him everything.”

Solly, an orthodox Jew, goes to a job interview with a gentile employer.
In the course of the interview, which was going well, the employer asks Solly what kind of salary he is looking for.
Thinking of his large family and the many bills that have to be paid, Solly quickly replies that he’d needs around £50k per annum.
The employer replies that in today’s market and with Solly’s limited skill set, he is only prepared to pay £40k per annum.
Upon hearing this, Solly tells him “… listen even though I am an orthodox Jew and keep kosher, I still have to bring home the bacon!!”



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