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* The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

* The trees are whistling for the dogs.

* The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

* Hot water now comes out of both taps. You can make sun tea instantly.

* You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

* The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

* You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

* You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

* You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

* You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a. m.

* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

* The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

* Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

* The cows are giving evaporated milk.

* You no longer associate bridges with water.

* You can say “115 degrees” without fainting.

* You have made instant sun tea.

* You have learned that a seat belt makes a good branding iron.

* The temperature drops below 85, and you feel a bit chilled.

* You have never seen a snow shovel and don’t know anyone who owns one.

* You have learned that, in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

* You have discovered you can get sunburn through your car window.

* You notice the best parking place is determined by shade, not distance.

* It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is on the streets.

* Hot water comes out of both taps.

* You do not own an umbrella and would not know where to go to get one.

* You are comfortable at 102 degrees.

* You have spent the entire day trying to find a store that carries snow chains for your car.

* You actually burned your hand opening the car door.

* No one you know would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

* If the local weather service records 0.02 inches they call it rain.

* You don’t know anyone who owns a raincoat.

* You have cooked a dozen eggs in the trunk of your car between the grocery store and your home.

* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

* Half of your neighbors are from California and the other half are from New York.

* You think snow on the ground is an abstract concept.

* You have forgotten how to drive on wet roads.

* The local cows have been known to give powdered milk.

* The trees are whistling for the dogs.

* You pray, “I wish it would rain; not so much for me, because I’ve seen it, but for my 7-year-old.”

* You can say, “but it’s dry heat” without laughing.

* The water in your pool has been too hot to swim in and you don’t even have a pool heater.

* You have cooked outside without lighting the grill.

* Your power bill in the summer is more than your mortgage payment.

* You have had to take out a loan to pay your water bill.

* You have ever golfed when it was 117 degrees.

* The song “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas” has no real meaning.

* You think it is autumn when the temperature drops to 99 degrees.

* You’ve golfed in December in a short-sleeved shirt.

* You’ve tried to work on your car in the summertime and burned your hand

Moshe is an inventor, or at least he thinks he is. After spending many months in his study working on his latest ideas, he rings the Patent Office and books an appointment. When he arrives, the receptionist greets him, “Good morning Mr. Levy. I see you’re booked to meet with one of our consultants to discuss your three new inventions. Before you do so, however, I have to fill in this form. I only need to ask you some basic questions. Is this OK with you?”
“Yes, it’s fine, thank you,” replies Moshe.
After asking Moshe the usual questions such as name, address, nationality and age, the receptionist goes on to ask, “And what is your first invention, Mr Levy?”
“I’ve invented a folding bottle,” replies Moshe, proudly.
“And do you have a name for it?” she asks.
“Yes, I call it a FOTTLE,” replies Moshe.
“And what’s your second invention?” she asks, smiling ever so slightly.
“I’ve invented a folding carton,” replies Moshe.
“And what do you call that?” she asks.
“I call it a FARTON,” replies Moshe.
At that, she can’t help laughing as she says, “If I may say so, Mr Levy, those are rather silly names for new products. And the name of your carton is a bit rude too.”
Moshe is not prepared to take any further ridicule from her and walks out of the office. He doesn’t even tell her about his third invention, his folding bucket.

Sarah and Benjy have been dating throughout their college years but at no time did Benjy talk once to Sarah about marriage. But now that they have graduated, Sarah’s mother, Kitty, has a quiet talk with her daughter.
“Darling,” says Kitty, “although Benjy is an absolutely smashing young man, I think you’ve been too patient with him. He’ll make a marvellous husband but he needs a bit of pushing. You must now use every opportunity to hint at marriage.”
The following weekend, Benjy takes Sarah to Minky’s Kosher Chinese Restaurant. As he reads the menu, he casually asks her, “Sarah darling, how do you want your rice? Boiled? Or fried?”
Without hesitating, Sarah looks up at him, smiles sexily and replies, “Thrown.”

Did you hear about Moishe, who was sexually inexperienced? One day, Moishe went into a bookshop and bought “How to Hug ”
Later on, when he started to read his latest purchase, Moishe realised it was Volume 7 of the Encyclopaedia Britannica.

Luigi and Paulo where fishing in the mediterranean sea one sunny day when a ww2 mine came floating along. On seeing this round, spikey object coming nearer and nearer, Luigi shouts at his friend ” Hey Paulo, it’s a mine, it’s a mine!” Paulo replies ” O.K. Luigi, you can-a have it! “

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