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Maurice and Becky are arguing over who should brew the coffee each morning.
Becky says, “As you get up first in the morning, Maurice, you should make it. Then we wont have to wait too long for our coffee.”
“But you’re in charge of all the cooking,” replies Maurice, “that’s your job, so you should make it. And if I have to wait for my coffee in the morning, well, I dont mind.”
“But it says in the bible that the man should make the coffee,” says Becky
“OK, responds Maurice, “if you can show me where it says that, I’ll never question you again.”
Next day, Becky borrows a bible from her neighbour and shows Maurice that on the top of several pages it indeed says ‘Hebrews’.

Joshua has been making his name as a designer of smart handbags, but even he is now finding times difficult, and his business is beginning to struggle. Then one day he gets some good news and immediately phones his wife Rebecca.
“Darling,” he shouts down the phone, “I’ve done a brilliant deal. Mervyn Levy, the Handbag King no less, has just told me that he loves our handbags so much that he will buy every handbag we can make for him. I’ve invited him to have dinner with us tonight so that we can close the deal. What do you think about that?”
“Mazeltov, Joshua,” replies Rebecca, “that’s fantastic news. But how can we have Mervyn here for dinner when we pawned our best dinner service last month? We dont have two matching plates to our name.”
“Don’t worry,” says Joshua, “I’m going to go to Abe the Pawnbroker right now. I know him well and he’ll let us have our dinner service back if I pay him immediately. Just give me the number of our ticket.”
“It’s 946,” replies Rebecca.
So Joshua goes to Abe’s shop and pays the bill for ticket 946. Abe gives him a receipt and goes into the storeroom to look for the item held against the ticket. He returns with a canteen of silver plated cutlery.
“Abe, this isnt my item,” says Joshua. “There’s been a mistake.”
Abe goes back into the storeroom and returns a few minutes later. “I’ve found out what the problem is, Joshua,” he says. “Rebecca had ticket 964 not 946. I gave ticket 946 to Mervyn Levy.”
“Oy Vay!” says Joshua, “and to think I was planning to get rich by relying on a knocker who has to pawn his property. And that shmuck thinks he’s coming to my house for dinner tonight.”

knocker (pronounced, k’noker): a big shot, a show off

One day, Jacob asks his wife Yetta, “You always carry a photo of me in your handbag. What on earth would you want with my photo?”
“Well,” replies Yetta, “whenever I encounter a problem, no matter how impossible it might seem at first, I look at your picture and the problem doesn’t seem a problem any longer – it just melts away.”
Jacob smiles with pride when he hears this. “It doesn’t really surprise me, Yetta,” he says. “Haven’t I always told you how miraculous and powerful I am for you?”
“Yes, I know you have,” replies Yetta, “but the way it works is like this – when I take your photo out of my handbag and look at your face, I say to myself, “What problem can there be that’s greater than this one?”

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he’d ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: “Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?” The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about. ” The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and says: “Ask him again!” The attorney signs to the underling: “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”
The bookkeeper signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!” The Godfather asks the attorney: “Well, what’d he say?”
The attorney replies: “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Lionel is out of work and, would you believe, goes to a nearby building site to see what jobs are going.
He goes up to the foreman and says, “Do you have any vacancies?”
The foreman replies, “What do you do?”
“I’m a handyman,” says Lionel.
“Can you do bricklaying?”
“Can you do plumbing?”
“Can you do carpentry?”
“So why are you calling yourself a handyman, then?” says the foreman.
“Because,” replies Lionel, “I live round the corner.”

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