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Little Henry is on the beach with his parents in Eastbourne when he says to his mother, “Mummy, can I go swimming in the sea?”
“No, bubbeleh,” she replies, “the water is too deep and too rough for you.”
“But daddy has just gone in,” says Henry.
“I know, darling, but your daddy’s insured.”

It’s 3am in the morning in Golders Green and Maurice and Golda are woken up by a loud banging on their front door. Maurice gets up and opens the door to a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain.
“Can I have a push?” says the drunk.
“No you can’t,” says Maurice, “it’s three o’clock in the morning. Please go away, you’ll wake the children.”
Maurice shuts the door and goes back to bed.
“Who was that?” asks Golda.
“Just some drunk, dear, asking for a push,” Maurice replies.
“So did you help him?” Golda asks.
“No I didn’t. It’s 3am and it’s pouring with rain,” replies Maurice.
Golda says, “Shame on you, Maurice. Have you already forgotten when our car broke down about six months ago in Bournemouth and those two men helped us? I think you should help the man outside.”
So Maurice reluctantly does as he is told. He gets dressed, goes out into the pouring rain and calls out, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” Maurice shouts.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“So where are you?” asks Maurice.
“Over here on the swing,” replies the drunk.

George W. Bush Jr was in an airport lobby and noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George Bush approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses.”
The man ignored George and stared at the ceiling.
George Bush positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses”.
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses”.
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am”.
George asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert”.

Lionel is a well-educated bachelor who feels ready to marry and settle down. But he’s shy and finds it difficult to meet women. So he’s developed a great love of classical music and spends much of his spare time going to concerts.
Meanwhile, Lionel’s parents have been searching for a suitable shiddach (arranged marriage partner) for him. Then one day, to their great relief, two potential candidates come onto the scene at the same time (just like London buses). After talking to the two young ladies, his father has a word with Lionel.
“Lionel, I think I may have found you a wife. I have been in touch with two very acceptable, but quite different girls for you to choose from and both say they are ready to marry. Let me show you their photos.”
The first photo is of a beautiful woman. “Rebecca,” says his father, “informs me that she has a talent for cooking great kosher food – her matzo-ball soup is supposed to be superb. She also keeps fit with aerobics and Israeli dancing. But she left school at 15 and admits to having no talent whatsoever for music.”
He then shows Lionel a photo of an ugly woman. She has what looks like a moustache on her top lip, her neck is as thick as a wrestler’s neck, she has cross-eyes, her nose is crooked and her lips are almost non-existent.
“Now Sadie,” says his father, “might not be great looking but she comes from a fine, noble family, has a first class degree from Oxford University and has a wonderful operatic voice. She’ll be famous one day – she showed me a Poster of a concert she’s giving soon at the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden.”
Lionel studies the two photos. Although Rebecca is gorgeous, his keen love of music wins him over and he chooses Sadie. Within weeks, they marry.
On the first morning of their honeymoon, Lionel awakes before Sadie. He takes one look at that face staring up at him from their pillow, shakes Sadie and cries out, “Sadie, for goodness sake, sing a little something.”

Shlomo was a miser and his friend Isaac knew this. One evening, Shlomo and Isaac went out for a meal with their girlfriends. At the end of the meal, Isaac overheard Shlomo say to his girl, “Marry me darling and I’ll buy you the sun, the moon and the stars.”
Shlomo immediately called over the waiter and said, “Separate bills please.”



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