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Sadie takes her 16-year-old daughter to see Doctor Myers. The doctor says, “Okay, what’s the problem?”
Sadie says, “It’s my daughter, Sarah. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Sarah a good examination, then turns to Sadie and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Sarah is pregnant – about 4 months would be my guess.”
Sadie says, “Pregnant? She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Sarah?”
“No mother. I’ve never even kissed a man.”
Doctor Myers walked over to the window and just stared out of it. 5 minutes pass and finally Sadie says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
Doctor Myers replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I certainly don’t want to miss it.”

The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English – now dubbed Hebonics – as a second language. Backers of the move say the citys School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture. According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, “In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question – plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus, How are you? may be answered, How should I be, with my feet?”
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with “sh” or “shm” at the beginning: “Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?”
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: “Its beautiful, that dress.”
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as: “Hes slow as a turtle,” could be: “Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline, he walks.”
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics:

* Question: “What time is it?” English answer: “Sorry, I dont know.” Hebonic answer: “What am I, a clock?”
* Remark: “I hope things turn out okay.” English response: “Thanks.” Hebonic response: “I should *be* so lucky!”
* Remark: “Hurry up! Dinners ready.” English response: “Be right there.” Hebonic response: “Alright already, Im coming. Whats with the hurry business? Is there a fire?”
* Remark: “I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time.” English response: “Glad you like it.” Hebonic response: “So whats the matter; you dont like the other ties I gave you?
* Remark: “Sarah and I are engaged.” English response: “Congratulations!” Hebonic response: “She could stand to lose a few pounds.”
* Question: “Would you like to go riding with us?” English answer: “Just say when!” Hebonic answer: “Riding, shmiding!? Do I look like a cowboy?”
* To guest of honor at his birthday party: English remark: “Happy birthday.” Hebonic remark: “A year smarter you should become.”
* Remark: “A beautiful day.” English response: “Sure is.” Hebonic response: “So the sun is out; what else is new?”
* Answering a phone call from son: English remark: “Its been a long time since you called.” Hebonic remark: “You didnt wonder if Im dead yet?”

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, “$5.00 – If I can’t tell you where you’re from, I’ll pay you $50.00″
The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, “Is the sign right?”
The Indian says, “yes.”
The cowboy hands him a five and says, “”you’re on”
The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, “you’re from Wyoming.”
The cowboy shakes his head and says, “I’ll be darned! You’re right” and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots.
The Indian says, “you’re from Montana”
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.

The young man decides he’s going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, “do
your stuff”
The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he’s gone one up on the Indian.
The Indian says, “You’re from Arkansas”
The young man gets really upset and can’t for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, “How in the world did you know I’m from Arkansas?”

The Indian replies, “by the wool on your zipper.”

A gentleman was driving through Arizona when he saw flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror. He promptly pulled to the side of the road, and noticing that his seatbelt was unbuckled, he quickly buckled it.

“Hello, officer,” said the man. “I know I was in a little bit of a hurry; I apologize for that.”

“I see you’re from out of state, and you’re following our state’s seatbelt law,” stated the officer.

“Yes sir, I always do.”

“Do you always wear your seatbelt through your stearing wheel?”

Sharon has reached the age of 18 and is regarded by many as, well, a stunner. One day, she goes to buy a new dress.
“Can I please try on that dress in the window?” she asks Benjamin, the boutique owner.
“Go ahead,” Benjamin replies with a shrug, “maybe it’ll attract some business.”



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