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Lionel and his wife Sharon have just done their weekly shopping at Marks & Spencer food hall and are now queuing to pay. Suddenly, remembering that she needs some money, Sharon leaves Lionel to pay while she goes outside to look for a cash dispenser.
Lionel pays for the food, but as he’s wheeling the trolley outside the store, he sees a gorgeous woman smiling at him. Then, to his surprise, she says to him, “Hello.”
He starts to think, ‘She looks a bit familiar but I just cant place where I might know her from.’ So Lionel replies, “Hello. Do I know you?”
“I’m not sure,” she replies, “I could be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children.”
Lionel is shocked and immediately starts thinking back to the time of his one and only indiscretion. So, blushing heavily, he says to her, “Oy Veh, are you the lady I met some year’s back at my shul’s Chanukah party when my wife was at home in bed with the flu? When you and I had too much Palwin wine to drink? Where we found a nice quiet room in the secretary’s office and made great love, with you scratching my back with your nails in your excitement?”
There is a short pause…
“No, you’ve got the wrong woman,” she replies with a smile, “Im your sons Science teacher!”

Rifka is a simple young housewife who enjoys many simple things in life. One day, as she is walking through the John Lewis department store, Rifka notices a pair of X-ray glasses on special sale. She is not convinced that such a thing can really work but the store assistant convinces her that they are indeed X-ray glasses. So she buys a pair.
As soon as she leaves the store, Rifka opens the package, puts on her new X-ray glasses and immediately sees everyone around her naked. She removes them and everyone has their clothes on. She puts them on and everyone is naked again.
“How cool,” she thinks, “I can’t wait to get home to show them to Gary.”
So she decides to cut her shopping and finish it the next day. She makes her way home and when she arrives, she finds Gary and the young lady from next door in bed together. She puts on the glasses and they are naked. She takes off the glasses and the two are still naked. She puts them back on and they are still naked.
Rifka then says, “Bother, I just paid fifty pounds for these glasses and they’ve broken already!”

* The cows are giving evaporated milk.

* The trees are whistlin’ for the dogs.

* A sad Texan once prayed, “I wish it would rain – not so much for me, cuz I’ve seen it – but for my 7-year-old.”

Stupid questions asked by cruise passengers

Moshe: How many feet are we above sea level?

Hetty: Do all the crew sleep onboard?

Judith: Do you use salt water or fresh water in the toilets?

Jacob: Does this ship generate its own electricity?

Issy: Which of the lifts will take us right to the front of the ship?

Sadie: What time does the ship’s midnight buffet start?

Hannah: Is this lovely tropical island completely surrounded by water?

Abbe Caponovitch, a Jewish gangster, was dining at a kosher restaurant on New York’s Lower East Side, when members of the mob burst in and shot him full of lead. Abbe managed to stagger out of the restaurant and stumbled up the street to the block where his mother lived. Clutching his bleeding stomach, he then crawled up the stairs and banged on the door of his mother’s apartment, screaming, “Mama, Mama! Help me, Mama!”
His mother opened the door, eyed him up and down and said: “Bubbeleh, come in. First you eat, then you talk!”

© 2015