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An elderly woman is sitting in the hospital waiting room, waiting while her daughter-in-law gives birth. A while later, a doctor comes out.
“Mrs. Goldburg, I have wonderful news! Your daughter-in-law just gave birth to twins! A boy in a girl, they are perfectly healthy! Oh, Mazel Tov!”
Mrs. Goldburg turns to Mrs. Rubenstein, who is seated next to her. “Isn’t it wonderful? And look at that, my daughter-in-law just gave birth to twins, and my son works at the Twin Towers!” said Mrs. Goldburg.
A while later, another doctor comes out and walks over to Mrs. Rubenstein, another woman waiting for her daughter-in-law to give birth.
“Mrs. Rubenstein, Mazel Tov! Your daughter-in-law just gave birth to triplets! They are beautiful and healthy, and your daughter-in-law is fine.”
Mrs. Rubenstein turns to Mrs. Cohen who is seated next to her.
Mrs. Rubenstein says, “Can you believe it? My daughter-in-law just had triplets, and my son works at Triple-A!”
Mrs. Cohen gets up and and begins to gather her things. “I have to get out of here! My son works at Seven-Up!”

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came
She replied, “So did my arthritis.”

NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the earth and attempted to include passengers of all races, colour and creed. One day, they realised they hadn’t invited anyone from the clergy so they invited a priest and a rabbi to orbit the earth.
Upon their return, they were asked to go straight to the Media room to give the world their impressions of the experience.
The priest came into the room with a smile on his face. His statement was full of joy. He said, “It was totally amazing. I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans. I’m truly in awe.”
But the rabbi came into the room completely dishevelled. His beard was tangled, his kippot was askew and his tallis was creased. The reporters asked him whether he enjoyed the experience.
He threw his hands in the air and said, “Enjoy? Oy vay, you must be joking. How could I find time to enjoy? Every few minutes the sun was rising and setting! So it was on with the tefillin, off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, mincha, maariv… . Oy Gevalt.”

Hyman recently had a full medical check up. When he returned 3 weeks later after the exhaustive lab tests were complete, his doctor said he was doing “fairly well” for his age.
Hyman was obviously a little concerned about that comment and so asked his doctor “Do you think I’ll live to be 80, doctor?”
He replied, “Well, do you smoke or drink beer?”
“Oh no”, Hyman replied, “I’ve never done either.”
Then the doctor asked, “Do you eat grilled steaks or barbequed ribs?
Hyman replied, “No, I’ve heard that red meat is very unhealthy.”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” asked the doctor.
“No I don’t,” Hyman replied.
Then the doctor asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or mess with women?”
“No,” said Hyman, “I’ve done none of those things.”
The doctor looked at Hyman and said, “Then why do you want to live to be 80?”

Rivkah awakens one night to find that her husband Howard is not in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
“Whats the matter, dear?” she asks tenderly, “why are you down here in the middle of the night?”
Howard looks up from his coffee. “Do you remember, Rivkah, how young we both were when we first started dating?”
“Yes, I remember,” Rivkah replies.
Howard’s voice is brimming with emotion. “Do you also remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”
“How could I forget?” says Rivkah.
“And do you remember he put a gun against my head and said, Either you marry my daughter or Ill see to it that you go to jail for 30 years?”
“I remember that well,” Rivkah softly replies, taking hold of his hand.
Howard wipes away a tear and says, “I would have got out today.”

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