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Two old Jews meet:
- I say, yesterday I have got acquainted with a telegraphistin. We
were in a restaurant, then I have invited her to my home. And
everything has clapped with us quite well, even three times.
Cannot believe me?
- Why not? You have gone to the restaurant, I believe this, you were
with her at home, I believe this too. And I belieive that it was three
times .
But that she was telegraphistin, I cannot believe this.
- Why not?
- Since when you had the last time hard-on, the telegraph had not
been invented yet!

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word. Those that weren’t were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft Israeli dance music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will go to synagogue with you every week to pray and I will try to modify my behaviour.”
David was astounded at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

Sam is hungry and stops off for a bite to eat at Minkys Kosher Salt Beef Bar. When the waiter asks him whether he’d like a drink to start, he orders a Maccabi beer. “A good choice sir, we have a special offer on this beer tonight – it’s only going to cost you 1p.”
“1p?” exclaims Sam, “that’s really cheap.”
Then Sam quickly looks through the menu and says, “I’d like a big plate of your best Salt Beef with latkes, haimisher cucumbers and English mustard.”
“Certainly,” replies the barman, “but that’s going to cost you real money.”
“So how much is real money?” asks Sam.
“5p,” replies the waiter.
“5p?” says Sam, “that’s ridiculous. You’ll loose money on this. I’d like to talk to the owner. Where is he?”
“He’s upstairs with my wife,” replies the waiter.
“Whats he doing upstairs with your wife?” asks Sam.
“The same thing as Im doing to his business,” replies the waiter.

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?”
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. “You are truly a wise rabbi,” they said.
“How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?”
The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Minsk.”

Abbe Caponovitch, a Jewish gangster, was dining at a kosher restaurant on New York’s Lower East Side, when members of the mob burst in and shot him full of lead. Abbe managed to stagger out of the restaurant and stumbled up the street to the block where his mother lived. Clutching his bleeding stomach, he then crawled up the stairs and banged on the door of his mother’s apartment, screaming, “Mama, Mama! Help me, Mama!”
His mother opened the door, eyed him up and down and said: “Bubbeleh, come in. First you eat, then you talk!”

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