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Abe goes into his local WHSmith bookshop and asks the saleswoman, “Excuse me, but where is the self-help section?”
She replies, “If I told you, sir, it would defeat the purpose.”

Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final year of teaching. She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the Bible. Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion, Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach some religion. She told her class that she would run a contest. She would give £50 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived.
Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand, but Angela ignored him in favour of those in her Sunday school class. As she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she got. Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals. Others said, “I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world.” and “I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb.”
Finally, she called on Moishe who still had his hand in the air.
“I think the greatest man who ever lived was Jesus Christ.” said Moishe. Angela was shocked but still gave him the £50 reward. As she did so, she said, “Well, Moishe, I’m very surprised that you should be the only one with the right answer. How come?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” Moishe replied as he pocketed the money, “I think it was Moses, but business is business.”

one day a travel merchant looks out his window and sees an old lady and old man schlepping bags of shopping in the rain.the merchant feels sorry for them and thinks “i’ll do my mitzvah of the day and give the couple some tickets to barbados”.
so he gives them their free tickets and they go on their cruise to barbados.
next week the old lady comes in and says to the merchant “thankyou for the free ticket,i really enjoyed myself.just one thing though.who’s the old man?”

Heaven is …

Where the police are British,
The cooks are Italian,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are French and
It’s all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is …

Where the police are German,
The cooks are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss and
It’s all organized by the Italians.

The time is the French Revolution.
Yossi lived in a small village and one day, his friend Roberto came to see him after returning from a trip to Paris.
Yossi asked Roberto what was happening in Paris as he had heard they were regularly using the Guillotine.
“Yes, you heard right”, said Roberto, “conditions there are as bad as can be. They are chopping off people’s heads in their thousands.”
“Oy vay”, moaned Yossi, “whatever will happen to my hat business?”

© 2015