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- The crawdad mounds in your front yard have over taken the grass.

- You greet people with “Howzyamomma’an’dem?” and hear back “Dey fine!”

- Every so often, you have waterfront property.

- When giving directions you use words like “uptown,” “downtown,” “backatown,” “riverside,” “lakeside,” “other side of the bayou” or “other side of the levee.”

- When you refer to a geographical location “way up North,” you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, “where it gets real cold.”

- You’ve ever had Community Coffee.

- You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can’t spell it. (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya)

- You don’t worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.

- You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used. (Amen!)

- The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy “dressed” is healthier than a Caesar salad.

- You know the definition of “dressed.”

- You can eat Popeye’s, Haydel’s and Zapp’s for lunch and wash it down with Barq’s and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.

- The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab, and King Cake.

- You “wrench” your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off.

- You’re not afraid when someone wants to “ax you something.”

- You don’t learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

- You don’t realize until high school what a “county” is.

- You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors).

- You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people would refer to as a windbreaker) and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras beads.

- Your last name isn’t pronounced the way it’s spelled.

- You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.

- You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs.

- You describe a color as “K&B Purple.”

- You like your rice and politics dirty.

- You pronounce the largest city in the state as “Nawlins.”

- A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was palmettos or those little ones that go after the French Fries that fell under the seat.

- You know those big roaches can fly, but you’re able to sleep at night anyway.

- You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard.

- You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana.

Jacob and Morris meet in Brent Cross Shopping Centre for their regular weekly schmooze and coffee. But this time, they just sit there staring at their cups of coffee without saying a word. Suddenly, Jacob says, “Do you know what I think, Morris?”
“No,” replies Morris, “what is it that you think, Jacob?”
“I think,” says Jacob, “that life is just like a cup of coffee.”
“Why do you think that?” asks Morris.
“How should I know,” replies Jacob. “Am I a philosopher?”

schmooze: chat

Maurice was a good, well-respected elderly Edgware man. He felt that death was close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem Maurice started to feel better and better and after a few weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life.
He called upon his sons and said: “Quickly, take me back to Edgware.”
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: “Father, how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!’
“Yes,” answered Maurice, to die it’s OK but to live here… .!?”

Q. Why is it that Italy is shaped like a boot?
A. Do you really think they could fit all that shit in a tennis shoe?

The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air. For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. In spite of the warm weather this always caused a shudder among the waiting mass.
The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses.
Moses set down his load and raised his hands. “Friends,” he said, “friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument, every trick I could think of–and I think I was successful. The good news is: I brought him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news is: Adultery is still in.”

© 2015