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Mrs Cohen is walking down the High Street when a shabby man shuffles up to her and exposes himself.
“You call that a lining?”

When we are young, it’s our parents who run our lives, but then, when we get old, it’s our children who run our lives.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I ‘d like to ride in that helicopter”.
Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars – and fifty dollars is fifty dollars”.
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”
Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars – and fifty dollars is fifty dollars”.
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know – fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.
“Is there some place ahead where we can get food?”
“Vell, I tink so,” the old man said, “but I wouldn’t go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you’d run into a big bacon tree.”
“A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.
“Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn’t go dere.”
The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said. “So why did he say not to go there?” a person asked.
Other pioneers said, “Oh, you know those Jews- they lie just for a joke.”
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew.
Near dead, the man shouts, “You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killled everyone but me.”
The old man holds up his hand and says, “Vait a minute.” He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it.
“Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn’t a bacon tree…
“It vuz a ham bush.”

Mrs Goldstein was playing a round of golf on a hot afternoon when she hit the ball right into the rough. She went to fetch it and where the ball had landed she found a frog in a trap.
“Please help me” the frog exclaimed, “If you let me out I’ll grant you three wishes!”
Without wasting any time Mrs Goldstein releases the frog and waits for him to speak again.
“What I failed to tell you”, the frog said, “is that whatever YOU wish for, Mr Goldstein will get 10 times better or more”
Mrs Goldstein is happy anyway and goes ahead with her first wish.
“I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world!” she demanded
“You do realise”, said the frog, “that Mr Goldstein will become the most handsome man in the world and all women will flock to him.”
However, Mrs Goldstein believes that if she is the most beautiful woman in the world, then he will only have eyes for her.
Next come her second wish:
“I wish I was the richest woman in the world!”
And so the frog tld her that Mr Goldstein will be 10 times richer than her. However Mrs Goldstein knew that as his wife whatever money belongs to him also belongs to her.
“And finally,” the frog said, “you’re last wish Mrs Goldstein?”
“I would like a mild heart attck!”



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