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Fact: The children of Israel roamed the desert for 40 years.
Conclusion: Even in those days, a man would never ask for directions.

What is the differance between an orthodox, reform and a conservative jewish wedding?
at an orthodox wedding the mother of the bride is pregnant.
at a conservative wedding the bride is pregnant.
and at a reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant.

Menachem needs his tallis dry-cleaned. He sends it to the best dry cleaner in town, Ho Chi Wung Cleaners.
They tell him to come back in a week.
When he comes back, they give him the bill, which says $50.00.
“Fifty dollars to clean my tallis?!”, Menachem reads, astonished.
“No, no, no!” replies the dry-cleaner. “Five dollars to clean tallis, forty-five dollars to take out all knots!

If you are Jewish, or an aspiring Jew, or married into a Jewish family, or work with Jews, or dating someone Jewish, there are certain things you must know to survive! Take this quiz to see if you’ve learned enough to function as a Jew: -

There are no Jews living in: -
a) sin;
b) Cornwall;
c) caravan parks;

In a Jewish household, the cleaning lady is expected to: -
a) do the windows;
b) make latkes;
c) attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings;

To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be: -
a) gentle;
b) housebroken;
c) stuffed;

Jews spend their holidays: -
a) sightseeing;
b) sunbathing;
c) discussing where they spent their last holiday & where they’ll go next;

If there’s a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are: -
a) up on the newest style;
b) entitled to free haircuts;
c) not Jewish;

Wilderness means: -
a) no running water;
b) no electricity;
c) no hot and sour soup;

The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is: -
a) jogging;
b) tennis;
c) plutzing over the neighbours swimming pool;

Jews never drive: -
a) unsafely;
b) on Saturdays;
c) eighteen wheel lorries;

A Jewish skydiver is: -
a) careful;
b) insured;
c) an apparition;

No Jewish person in history has ever been known to: -
a) become a prostitute;
b) deface a synagogue;
c) remove the back of a TV set;

Jews never sing: -
a) off-key;
b) “Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu”;
c) around a piano bar;

1 point for each “a)” answer,
2 for each “b)”
and 3 for each “c)”.

30-33 points: Mazeltov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you’ve studied your loved one’s family carefully out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or else you’re from Golders Green or Edgware.

Did you hear about the short sighted circumciser?
He got the sac!

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