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Shaggy buffalo story
A family of Schmohawk Indians were sitting around the fire one night. There was papa Geronowitz, mama Pocayenta and the beautiful daughter, Minihorowitz.
“So, nu,” says Minihorowitz, “You’ll never believe.”
“What?” says Pocayenta.
“Today, at high noon, someone proposed to me.”
“So what did you say?” says Pocayenta.”
“I said yes”
“That’s wonderful,” says Pocayenta. “She said yes! Did you hear that Geronowitz? Our little Minihorowitz is getting married.”
“I heard,” says Geronowitz, “I’m kvelling. So who’s the lucky boy?”
“Sittin’ Bialy.”
“Sittin’ Bialy?” says Pocayenta,” of the SoSiouxMe tribe?”
“That’s the one,” says Minihorowitz.
“Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe’s! There are so many of them. How can we feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?”
“We’ll think of something,” says Geronowitz.
“Geronowitz, get me a buffalo for the wedding. I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo.”
So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day and night goes by and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and half the night and Geronowitz comes home exhausted, staggering and empty-handed.
“Geronowitz I’ve been worried sick. Where have you been? Where’s my buffalo?”
“It’s like this,” he says. “On my first day out, I hunted high and I hunted low and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo was scrawny with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day.
The second day, I looked high and I looked low, from this way and that way and I finally found a buffalo. He was big with lots of meat and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. This, I thought to myself, is not the buffalo for my daughter’s wedding. So I carried on looking. I went up hills and I went down hills and I found a big buffalo. It was, as buffaloes go, a beautiful buffalo. If I say so myself, it was the perfect buffalo. This, I said to myself, is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz’s wedding.
So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk as I tip-toe over to the buffalo. I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo’s neck when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it.”
“See what?” says Pocayenta.
“I’ve brought the dairy tomahawk!”

Hyman is dying and his wife Faye is at his bedside in hospital. She’s holding his fragile hand and with tears running down her face starts to pray. But her praying awakens Hyman. He looks up at her and with pale lips hardly moving whispers, “Is that you, Faye?”
“Yes, darling, it’s me,” she replies, “but dont talk. You need to rest.”
But Hyman wants to get something off his chest. “Faye,” he whispers, “I have a confession to make.”
“It’s OK, darling,” she weeps, “theres nothing to confess, really. Everythings fine. Now go to sleep.”
“No, Faye, I must die in peace. I slept with your sister and I slept with your best friend. There, I’ve got it off my chest.”
“I know, darling,” says Faye, “now be quiet and let the poison work.”

Two old Jews meet:
- I say, yesterday I have got acquainted with a telegraphistin. We
were in a restaurant, then I have invited her to my home. And
everything has clapped with us quite well, even three times.
Cannot believe me?
- Why not? You have gone to the restaurant, I believe this, you were
with her at home, I believe this too. And I belieive that it was three
times .
But that she was telegraphistin, I cannot believe this.
- Why not?
- Since when you had the last time hard-on, the telegraph had not
been invented yet!

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word. Those that weren’t were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft Israeli dance music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will go to synagogue with you every week to pray and I will try to modify my behaviour.”
David was astounded at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”

Sam is hungry and stops off for a bite to eat at Minkys Kosher Salt Beef Bar. When the waiter asks him whether he’d like a drink to start, he orders a Maccabi beer. “A good choice sir, we have a special offer on this beer tonight – it’s only going to cost you 1p.”
“1p?” exclaims Sam, “that’s really cheap.”
Then Sam quickly looks through the menu and says, “I’d like a big plate of your best Salt Beef with latkes, haimisher cucumbers and English mustard.”
“Certainly,” replies the barman, “but that’s going to cost you real money.”
“So how much is real money?” asks Sam.
“5p,” replies the waiter.
“5p?” says Sam, “that’s ridiculous. You’ll loose money on this. I’d like to talk to the owner. Where is he?”
“He’s upstairs with my wife,” replies the waiter.
“Whats he doing upstairs with your wife?” asks Sam.
“The same thing as Im doing to his business,” replies the waiter.

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