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Jeremy orders a pair of trousers from LEVINE BROS, TAILORS. Frank takes the order and tells Jeremy that they will be ready in a week’s time.
But when Jeremy returns a week later, he’s disappointed to learn that the trousers are not yet ready and that he has to come back in another week’s time.
But when Jeremy returns again the following week, he’s disappointed to learn that the trousers are still not ready and that he has to come back in another week’s time
This goes on for two months until finally, on Jeremy’s ninth visit, the trousers are ready for him. Frank proudly displays them not only to Jeremy but also to everyone in his shop.
“Thanks for the trousers, Mr Levine,” says Jeremy, “but I need to ask you a question. How come God was able to create the world in only 6 days, yet it took you 60 days to make just one pair of trousers?”
“Ah, it’s simple,” replies Frank. “Just look at the condition of the world and then take a look at this gorgeous pair of trousers I’ve made for you.”

Rabbi Cohen was saying his goodbyes to his congregation after his Sabbath service, as he always does, when Esther Glickman came up to him in tears.
“What’s bothering you so, dear?” inquired Rabbi Cohen.
“Oh, Rabbi, I’ve got terrible news,” replied Esther.
“Well what is it, Esther?”
“Well, my husband, passed away last night, Rabbi.”
“Oh, Esther”, said the Rabbi, “That’s terrible. Tell me Esther, did he have any last requests?”
“Well, yes he did Rabbi,” replied Esther.
“What did he ask, Esther?”
Esther replied, “He said, ‘Please, please Esther, put down the gun… ‘

Leah walks into a pet shop in Golders Green and says to Hymie, the owner, “I want to buy a canary.”
“We have many types,” says Hymie, “is there any particular one you’re after?”
“Yes,” replies Leah, “its got to be a very good singer. Im prepared to pay good gelt (money) for a great singing bird.”
“Lady, I’ve got the very one,” says Hymie, “I’ve been in this business for a long time and this bird has the best singing voice I’ve ever heard. We don’t call it ‘Pavarotti’ for nothing. I’ll get it for you.”
As he begins to climb a ladder to reach a small cage on the top shelf, Leah says, “I hope you’re not wasting your time. Just because youre climbing a ladder like a monkey won’t make me feel obliged to buy this canary if it’s not a real singing canary.”
Hymie brings down the cage, places it on the shop counter and says to Leah, “Just you listen.”
With that, the bird begins singing one beautiful song after another. Pleasantly surprised, Leah murmurs, “What mazel (luck) – this canary really can sing.”
But then, a few seconds later, Leah shouts out, “Oy Vay, this canary’s only got one leg. Are you trying to cheat me, or what?”
Hymie calmly looks at Leah and replies, “Lady, do you want a singer or a dancer?”

David asks his wife Renee, “I was just wondering, darling, what part of me do you like the most? Is it my handsome, rugged face or my hard, muscular body, or what?”
Renee scans him from head to toe, then replies, “I like your sense of humour.”

You know your mother is Jewish when

* She cries at your bris – because you’re not engaged already.
* She shouts “Mazeltov.” – every time she hears some crockery break.
* She does all her Pesach shopping for next Pesach as soon as Passover ends – because she can buy the essential items at sale prices.
* She calls you many times a day before 10am – because she wants to ask you how your day is going.
* She takes an extra suitcase with her on holiday – because where else can she put the hotel’s face cloths, soaps, shampoos, bath oils, shower hats and shoe shiners?
* She cries at your Barmitzvah – because you’re not engaged already.
* She goes to her doctor for every minor ailment – so she can show your photo to the young single doctors.
* She won’t let you leave home without a coat and some advice on dating – because ‘mother knows best’.
* She takes restaurant leftovers home with her – “I should throw away?”
* She cries on your 21st birthday – because you’re not engaged already.
* She’s serves you chopped liver every week – because just once, when you were young, you told her you loved chopped liver.
* She makes an extra shabbos table setting – because you just might have met your beshert on the way over.
* She gets mad with you if you buy jewellery at full price – because she knows someone who could have got it cheaper in Tel Aviv.
* She encourages you to do whatever you want with your life – as long as it includes grandchildren.
* She’s regularly heard muttering – “Is one grandchild too much to ask for?”



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