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One day, as Isaac Levy is driving home, a lorry crashes into his car. He’s very lucky and suffers only moderate injuries. Nevertheless, he’s off work for two months. As a result, he contacts a Personal Injury lawyer who, after hearing the details, recommends that Isaac take the lorry driver to court for dangerous driving. Isaac agrees.
A few weeks later, Isaac arrives in Court and soon he’s in the witness box answering questions thrown at him by the lorry driver’s very aggressive defence lawyer.
“Mr Levy,” asks the lawyer, “did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”
“Vell, I’ll tell you exactly vot happened at the scene of the accident,” replies Isaac. “I had only just put my dog Cindy into the – ”
“Mr Levy,” interrupts the lawyer, “I didn’t ask you for any details. All I need from you is a simple answer to my question – did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine, thank you, I’m fine’?”
“Vell,” replies Isaac, “as I vas saying, I just got mine Cindy into my car and vas driving down the road ven – ”
“Mr Levy!” Once again the lawyer interrupts Isaac. This time, the lawyer turns to the judge and says, “Your
Honour, I’m trying to establish an important fact. This man told the Police Officer at the scene of the accident that he was just fine. Now he’s trying to sue my client. I believe, your Honour, that Mr Levy is a liar. Please tell him to simply answer my question.”
But the Judge is now interested in Isaac’s reply and says to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what Mr Levy has to say about his dog Cindy.”
On hearing this, Isaac continues, “Vell, like I vas saying, your Lordship, I put mine Cindy, mine vunderful, friendly Cindy, into the car and drove off. But within minutes, a large lorry vent across a red light and crashed into my car. I vas trapped by mine legs and vas in pain. Den I heard mine Cindy moaning and whimpering. Oy, it vas the vorst sound I haf ever heard and I knew she vas seriously hurt. Then the police arrived. Vun of them heard mine lovely Cindy whimpering so he vent over to her, saw vat terrible condition she vas in, took out his gun and shoots mine Cindy dead. Den the policeman walks over to me in my car and I see he’s still holding his gun. He looks at me and says, ‘How are you feeling?’ So nu, your Lordship, vat vould you haf said?”

Moshe is an inventor, or at least he thinks he is. After spending many months in his study working on his latest ideas, he rings the Patent Office and books an appointment. When he arrives, the receptionist greets him, “Good morning Mr. Levy. I see you’re booked to meet with one of our consultants to discuss your three new inventions. Before you do so, however, I have to fill in this form. I only need to ask you some basic questions. Is this OK with you?”
“Yes, it’s fine, thank you,” replies Moshe.
After asking Moshe the usual questions such as name, address, nationality and age, the receptionist goes on to ask, “And what is your first invention, Mr Levy?”
“I’ve invented a folding bottle,” replies Moshe, proudly.
“And do you have a name for it?” she asks.
“Yes, I call it a FOTTLE,” replies Moshe.
“And what’s your second invention?” she asks, smiling ever so slightly.
“I’ve invented a folding carton,” replies Moshe.
“And what do you call that?” she asks.
“I call it a FARTON,” replies Moshe.
At that, she can’t help laughing as she says, “If I may say so, Mr Levy, those are rather silly names for new products. And the name of your carton is a bit rude too.”
Moshe is not prepared to take any further ridicule from her and walks out of the office. He doesn’t even tell her about his third invention, his folding bucket.

Jacob and Morris meet in Brent Cross Shopping Centre for their regular weekly schmooze and coffee. But this time, they just sit there staring at their cups of coffee without saying a word. Suddenly, Jacob says, “Do you know what I think, Morris?”
“No,” replies Morris, “what is it that you think, Jacob?”
“I think,” says Jacob, “that life is just like a cup of coffee.”
“Why do you think that?” asks Morris.
“How should I know,” replies Jacob. “Am I a philosopher?”

schmooze: chat

Maurice was a good, well-respected elderly Edgware man. He felt that death was close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem Maurice started to feel better and better and after a few weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life.
He called upon his sons and said: “Quickly, take me back to Edgware.”
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: “Father, how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!’
“Yes,” answered Maurice, to die it’s OK but to live here… .!?”

The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air. For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. In spite of the warm weather this always caused a shudder among the waiting mass.
The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses.
Moses set down his load and raised his hands. “Friends,” he said, “friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument, every trick I could think of–and I think I was successful. The good news is: I brought him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news is: Adultery is still in.”



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