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Rachel and Sarah meet one day in Brent Cross shopping centre.
“Is it true, Rachel,” asks Sarah, “that your son Benjy has moved out of law?”
“Yes, it’s true,” replies Rachel, “he’s now a salesman in a tailor shop.”
“Mazeltov,” says Sarah, “but a salesman? Is he any good at it?”
Rachel replies, “Is he any good? Why he’s brilliant. Only yesterday a woman comes into his shop to buy a suit to bury her poor late husband in. And guess what my Benjy did? He talked her into buying an extra pair of trousers.”

Abe runs into his old friend Hymiein Miami and yells, “Lipshitz, how’ve you been.” Hymie whispers, “My name isn’t Hymie Lipshitz any more. I’ve changed it to C.R. Eldrich.” “”Where did you get such a fancy name from,” asks Abe. Hymie replies, “Do you remember when we lived on the East Side in new York? I lived on Eldrich Street and alwasys thougt it was a classy name so I took it for myself!” Abe says, “And from where did you get the CR?” Hymie replies, “From the Corner of Rivington!”

Abe went to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi,” he said, “I would be grateful if you could explain the Talmud to me.”
“Very well, Abe,” said the Rabbi, “First, I need to ask you a simple question.”
“If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean, which one washes himself?”
“The dirty one,” replied Abe.
“No, Abe. They look at each other. The dirty man thinks he is clean but the clean man thinks he is dirty and washes.”
“Now another question,” said the Rabbi.
“If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean, which one washes himself?”
Abe smiled, “You just told me that one, Rabbi. The clean man, because he thinks he is dirty.”
“No, Abe.” said the Rabbi. “They each look at themselves. The clean man knows he doesn’t have to wash and the dirty man washes himself.”
“Now one final question,” said the Rabbi.
“If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other one comes out clean, which one washes himself?”
This time Abe frowned, “I don’t know, Rabbi. It could be either one, depending on your point of view.”
“No Abe,” said the Rabbi. “If two men climb inside a chimney, how could either of them come out clean? They are obviously both dirty and so they both wash.”
Abe was now thoroughly confused, “Rabbi, you asked me exactly the same question three times, yet you gave me three different answers. Are you playing games with me?”
“No, Abe, I would never joke with you. This is Talmud.”

Rabbi Levy was running behind with his daily schedule because he had attended a number of unforeseen events. His next port of call was Mrs. Gold. As soon as he arrived at the nursing home, the matron said, “Rabbi, Mrs. Gold has been waiting to see you all day. She was afraid you had forgotten all about her.”
The Rabbi apologized, and went straight to Mrs. Gold’s room. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and after he had said a few words of encouragement to her, she began to talk about her day. Whilst he was listening, he noticed a small bowl of peanuts next to her, so he interrupted and asked her if she would mind if he took a few of the peanuts.
“No, of course not,” she replied and continued talking at length about her day.
A few minutes later, Rabbi Levy interrupted her again and said, “Mrs. Gold, I’m sorry but I’ve eaten almost all of your peanuts.”
Mrs. Gold smiled at him and said, “Don’t worry about it Rabbi, I can’t eat peanuts – I just like to nibble the chocolate off them.”

A Rabbi dies and is waiting in line to enter heaven. In front of him is a guy dressed in a loud shirt, leather jacket, jeans and sunglasses.
Gabriel addresses this guy, “I need to know who you are so that I can determine whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Moishe Levy, taxi driver, of London.”
Gabriel consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi driver, “OK. Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Now it’s the Rabbi’s turn. He stands upright and says, “I am Benjamin Himmelfarb and I had been Rabbi of Neasden for forty years.”
Gabriel looks at his list and says to the Rabbi, “OK. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Hold on a minute,” says Rabbi Himmelfarb, “that man before me was a taxi driver – why did he get a silken robe and golden staff?”
“Up here, we only work by results,” says Gabriel. “While you preached, people slept – but while he drove, people prayed.”

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