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Unfortunately, there has been a terrible accident at the Nuclear Energy plant and three leading nuclear physicists are very badly contaminated. After a specialist has seen them, he declares that they are all dying and none is likely to survive the night. Each is quickly asked for their dying wish.
“What would you like, Pierre?”
Pierre replies, “I would like to meet my President and be awarded the Legion of Honour for my contribution to new energy sources.”
“What would you like, John?”
John replies, “I would like to meet our Queen and be knighted for my services to cheap UK energy.”
“And what would you like, Moshe?”
Moshe replies, “I would like a second opinion.”

Mrs. Levy was talking to her neighbour. “Oy, my daughter-in-law is just so lazy! She sleeps until after ten o’clock every single morning! My poor son, Solomon, wakes up at the crack of dawn and has to make his own breakfast. The house she won’t clean; she made my Solomon get her a maid so she wouldn’t have to lift a finger. Then, when he comes home after a long, hard day at work, Solomon has to make dinner because she can’t be bothered even with that!”
The neighbour sighs and asks, “Nu… and how is your daughter?”
“Oh, now my daughter Rivka has an absolute gem of a husband. He insists my Rivka pamper herself by sleeping late in the morning; he hired help so she shouldn’t have to work so hard, and he even comes home from work and tells her to relax while he takes care of dinner!”

A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shop. An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, “May I help you, Sir?”
“Yes,” replied the customer, “I would like to buy a pound of lox.”
“No. No,” responded the dignified salesperson, “You mean smoked salmon.”
“Okay, a pound of smoked salmon.”
“Anything else?”
“Yes, a dozen blintzes.”
“No. No. You mean crepes.”
“Okay, a dozen crepes.”
“Anything else?”
“Yes. A pound of chopped liver.”
“No. No. You mean pate.”
“Okay,” said the Jewish patron, “A pound of pate. And,” he added, “I’d like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday.”
“Look,” retorted the indignant salesperson, “We don’t schlep on Shabbos.”

My 13 discoveries of old age

1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and bran flakes.
3. I finally got my head together. Unfortunately, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It’s easier to get older than to get wiser.
8. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
10. It’s not hard to meet expenses–they’re everywhere.
11. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
12. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m hereafter.
13. I am unable to remember if I emailed this to you before.

Manny approached the Rabbi of his Reform Synagogue and said “Rabbi, please make me a Cohen.”
The Rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible.
Manny offers the Rabbi £10,000, but the Rabbi won’t budge. He offers £50,000… then £75,000. Finally, the Rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches him Talmud. After 6 months of classes, the Rabbi tells Manny, “OK, now you can be a Cohen.”
The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his face, says the brachot and afterwards returns to his seat.
But the Rabbi is still troubled and a little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was so important to him to be a Cohen.
Manny answers, “Rabbi, my father was a Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen too!”

© 2015