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MEYER, a lonely widower, was walking home along Golders Green Road one day, wishing something wonderful would happen to his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:
“Quawwwwk… vus macht du… yeah, du… outside, standing like a putzel… eh?”
Meyer couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Suddenly, the proprietor came out of the shop and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. “Come in here and check out this parrot… ”
Meyer was soon standing in front of an African Grey. The parrot cocked his little head and said: “Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?”
Meyer turned excitedly to the owner. “He speaks Yiddish?”
“Vuh den? Chinese maybe?”
In a matter of moments, Meyer had written out a cheque for

Gary has had a tremendous year selling life assurance policies and is asked by one of his colleagues for the secret to his success. Gary replies, “After I outline the benefits of life assurance, I go into costs. And if the prospect then seems to be undecided, I say to him, ‘OK, I understand that you might need some time to think it over, so why don’t you sleep on it. Then let me know what you think tomorrow morning – if you wake up, that is.’”

Mahmoud Ahmedinijad, Iran’s latest President, called George W. Bush on the phone late one night.
“I’ve had a remarkable dream, Mr. Bush”, he said, “and it’s something you should know about.”
“Well Mr. Mindinajar, what was your dream all about?”, queried the President.
“I dreamed that the USA had gone through an enlightening reformation”, he said, “and in front of every house was a huge banner.”
“That’s intriguing, Mr. Mindinajar. Tell me, what did it say on these banners?”, asked Bush.
“They all said the same thing: Allah is God, Allah is great”, stated Mahmoud, as if he could taste victory.
“It’s quite odd that you should call me about a dream, as I had one the other night as well”, said Bush.
“And what was your dream about, Mr Bush?”
“I dreamed that Iran had gone through a reformation as well, and on every house was a flagpole.”
“So, what was on the flags?”, asked the Iranian.
“I have no idea”, said Bush, “I can’t read Hebrew.”

Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn’t even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:
“You, Moses, heed me! I have good news, and bad news.”
Moses was staggered. The voice continued:
“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs”
“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust.”
“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh’s army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land.”
Moses was stunned. He stammered, “That’s… that’s fantastic. I can’t believe it! – - But what’s the bad news?”
“You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement.”

A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The Hasidic Jew replied, “Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?”

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