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A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The Rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The Priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the Rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork.”
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The Priest replied, “Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, “A lot better than pork isn’t it?”

Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jew who is more than 8 days old?
A: A girl.

On his way to work one morning, Nathan arrives at Mill Hill station a bit early. While he’s waiting for his train, he notices a new machine on the platform – the sign on it says it’s a state-of-the-art talking weighing machine. So Nathan stands on it, puts in a $1 coin and the machine says, “You weigh 160 pounds and you are Jewish.”
Nathan can’t believe what he’s just heard. So he gets on it again and inserts another $1 coin. “You weigh 160 pounds, you are Jewish and you’re waiting for the 7.35am train to take you to your job at Rothschild’s Bank.”
He is totally shocked, but he’s determined to beat the machine. He goes into the Gents toilet, ruffles up his hair, puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, removes his tie, takes off his jacket and drapes it over his arm, and puts a first aid plaster on his chin. He then goes back outside, steps on the machine and puts in another $1 coin. The machine instantly says, “You’re still Jewish and weigh 160 pounds. You’re also a shmuck(*). While you’ve been testing me out, you’ve just missed your train.”

(*) shmuck – stupid ass

A jewish man and his wife were shipwrecked and stranded on a desert island.
After a few days, their strength was ebbing away and they were beginning to give up hope. Suddenly the man spotted a sail in the distance. “A sail, a sail!” he cried.
“Oh now,” replied his wife, “I forgot my cheque book!”

(for those who don’t get it, SALE)

An American Jew was shopping on Regent Street in London. He entered a posh gourmet food store. A sales representative, in a long morning coat
with tie and tails, approached.

“May I be of help to you, sir?”
“Yes. I’d like a pound of lox.”
“Sorry, sir – do you mean smoked salmon?”
“Okay, a pound of smoked salmon.”
“Anything else, sir?”
“Yes, a dozen blintzes.”
“I believe you mean crepes, sir.”
“Okay, a dozen crepes.”
“Anything else, sir?”
“Yes. A pound of chopped liver.”
“You are probably referring to pate, sir.”
“Okay, a pound of pate – and could you deliver all this on Saturday?”
“Sorry, sir – we don’t schlep that chazzerai on Shabbos.”

© 2015