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“Rabbi,” the man said, “Please explain the Talmud to me.”

“Very well,” he said. “First, I will ask you a question. If two men climb
up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean,
which one washes himself?”

“The dirty one,” answers the man.

“No. They look at each other and the dirty man thinks he is clean
and the clean man thinks he is dirty, therefore, the clean man washes
himself. Now, another question. If two men climb up a chimney and one
comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?”

The man smiles and says, “You just told me, Rabbi. The man who is clean
washes himself because he thinks he is dirty.”

“No,” says the Rabbi. “If they each look at themselves, the clean man knows
he doesn’t have to wash himself, so the dirty man washes himself.

Now, one more question. If two men climb up a chimney and one comes
out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?”

“I don’t know, Rabbi. Depending on your point of view, it could be either
one.”

Again the Rabbi says, “No. If two men climb up a chimney, how could
one man remain clean? They both are dirty, and they both wash themselves.”

The confused man said, “Rabbi, you asked me the same question
three times and you gave me three different answers.
Is this some kind of a joke?”
“This is not a joke, my son. This is Talmud.”

This blind Jew got a matza, held it in his hand and said:
- Who wrote this garbage!

There was a time when Pharaoh was repeatedly breaking his promise to release the children of Israel from bondage in Egypt.
So Aaron said to his wife, “You know Sarah, this Pharaoh is really turning out to be a first class momzer.”
“Aaron,” said Sarah, “You mustn’t say such things. We are all one family. Don’t forget we are all children of God, even Pharaoh.”
“I cannot deny that this is true,” replied Aaron, “but this Pharaoh, he must come from your side of the family!”

Rabbi Cohen was saying his goodbyes to his congregation after his Sabbath service, as he always does, when Esther Glickman came up to him in tears.
“What’s bothering you so, dear?” inquired Rabbi Cohen.
“Oh, Rabbi, I’ve got terrible news,” replied Esther.
“Well what is it, Esther?”
“Well, my husband, passed away last night, Rabbi.”
“Oh, Esther”, said the Rabbi, “That’s terrible. Tell me Esther, did he have any last requests?”
“Well, yes he did Rabbi,” replied Esther.
“What did he ask, Esther?”
Esther replied, “He said, ‘Please, please Esther, put down the gun… ‘

A Christian lady met a jewish lady in a restaurant and they got talking.
The Christian lady boasted that her son was training to become a priest. “We have big ambitions for him as he’s so talented”, she explained.
“What do you mean?” inquired the jewish lady.
“Well if he’s really good, he could become a bishop”
“Is that the best he can do?” retorted the jewish lady.
“Well if he excels he could become a cardinal or even the Pope!”
“Is that the best he can do?” inquired the jewish lady again.
“Well what do you him to become, G-d?” retorted the Christian lady.
“Why not,” replied the Jewish lady, “one of our boys managed it!”



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