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It’s a very hot August afternoon and Sarah is taking her daily walk. As she nears her local shul, she notices that the shrubbery outside the entrance is on fire. She bangs on the gabbais door and when he opens it, she tells him that he should call the fire brigade before the fire causes any damage.
The gabbai dials 999, identifies himself, gives his location and explains the situation.
“Do you mean to tell me,” says the emergency operator, “that theres a burning bush on the synagogue lawn and you want us to put it out?”

Gabbai: Synagogue warden

Jed and Solly, both in their 50s, have been working in the same office for many years and have become close friends. One Monday, despite his age, Jed boasts to Solly about his sexual endurance the night before.
“I did it three times with my wife last night Solly,” says Jed, matter-of-factly.
“Oy yoy yoy! Three times,” gasps Solly admiringly. “How on earth did you manage that?”
“It wasn’t too difficult,” replies Jed, modestly. “After my wife and I made love for the first time, I took a 10 minute nap. Then I made love to her again, followed by another 10 minute nap. And then we made love for the third time. I can’t describe how I feel, Solly. I woke up this morning feeling like a stallion.”
“What a good method,” says Solly, “I must try it. Mine Sadie wont believe what’s happening to her when I manage to shtup her 3 times in one night. It will be a mekheiyeh for both of us.”
So that night Solly surprises Sadie. He makes love to her, then takes a 10 minute nap, makes love to her again, takes another nap, this time for 15 minutes and then makes love to her for a third time. Then, with a smile on his face, he rolls over and falls fast asleep.
Solly wakes up feeling absolutely marvellous. He gets dressed and leaves for work. Rather than get on his usual bus, he takes a leisurely stroll to his office. This makes him 30 minutes late. When he arrives, his boss is waiting for him.
“Whats the matter Mr Jones?” he asks, “Ive been working for you for nearly 25 years and I’ve never once been late. Surely you’re not going to reprimand me for a measly thirty minutes?”
“What do you mean thirty minutes?” says Mr Jones, “where were you yesterday?”

shtup: vulgar for making love
mekheiyeh: a pleasure

The citizens of Chelm decided that it was inefficient for them all to be doing their own worrying. They had almost decided they would hire Chaim, pay him two rubles a week and he’d do all their worrying for them, but then Moishe asked: “But if we pay him two rubles a week, what will he have to worry about?”

Unfortunately, there has been a terrible accident at the Nuclear Energy plant and three leading nuclear physicists are very badly contaminated. After a specialist has seen them, he declares that they are all dying and none is likely to survive the night. Each is quickly asked for their dying wish.
“What would you like, Pierre?”
Pierre replies, “I would like to meet my President and be awarded the Legion of Honour for my contribution to new energy sources.”
“What would you like, John?”
John replies, “I would like to meet our Queen and be knighted for my services to cheap UK energy.”
“And what would you like, Moshe?”
Moshe replies, “I would like a second opinion.”

Mrs. Levy was talking to her neighbour. “Oy, my daughter-in-law is just so lazy! She sleeps until after ten o’clock every single morning! My poor son, Solomon, wakes up at the crack of dawn and has to make his own breakfast. The house she won’t clean; she made my Solomon get her a maid so she wouldn’t have to lift a finger. Then, when he comes home after a long, hard day at work, Solomon has to make dinner because she can’t be bothered even with that!”
The neighbour sighs and asks, “Nu… and how is your daughter?”
“Oh, now my daughter Rivka has an absolute gem of a husband. He insists my Rivka pamper herself by sleeping late in the morning; he hired help so she shouldn’t have to work so hard, and he even comes home from work and tells her to relax while he takes care of dinner!”

© 2015