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Moishe and Sadie were touring the Middle East. As part of the day’s itinerary, they took a trip to the local bazaar. The couple visited many of the shops there and spoke to numerous vendors who were dotted around the square. One of the stalls was selling sandals. But not any old sandals, said the owner. “My sandals will increase the sexual prowess of whoever wears them. I guarantee this.”
Moishe told the owner that he wasn’t interested, but Sadie looked at Moishe and insisted that he buy a pair. She said it might help him. Seeing that look in her eyes, he decided it was futile to argue.
Before paying for them, Moishe wanted to make sure that they fitted him, so he tried them on. Immediately, Moishe grabbed hold of the owner, threw him on the table, and started to rip his clothes off.
“Stop, stop”, yelled the owner. “You’ve put them on the wrong feet!”

A tourist in San Francisco is walking around in Chinatown and sees a sign that says “Moishe Plotnik’s Chinese Laundry”. Moishe Plotnik? Where the heck does that come from?
So he walks in and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. He asks, “How did a place like this get a name like “Moishe Plotnik’s Chinese Laundry?”
The old man answers, “Is name of owner.”
The tourist asks, “Well who and where is the owner?”
“Me right here,” replies the old man.
“You? How did YOU get a name like Moishe Plotnik?”
“Is simple… Many year ago when come to this country, standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, “What’s your name?” He say, “Moishe Plotnik.” Then she look at me and go, “What your name?” I say, “Sem Ting… “

Moishe telephoned his wife Sadie. “Sadie, darling, I’ve got some good news. You know that Lloyd Webber musical you’ve always wanted to see?”
“Well, I’ve just bought us two tickets to see it.”
“Oh Moishe, that’s marvellous. I’ll start dressing immediately.”
“Sadie, that’s just what I wanted to hear you say. The tickets are for tomorrow night’s performance.”

Hyman is a very rich and successful businessman. As it is coming up to his wife Rivka’s birthday, he decides to buy her a really special birthday present. So he tells his chauffeur to take him to the best art shops in New Bond Street in London. He soon finds what he’s looking for – a beautiful Rembrandt painting and he buys it without a moment’s hesitation.
As soon as Hyman gets back home, he opens his front door and shouts, “Rivka, Rivka, have I got a Rembrandt for you!”
To which Rivka replies, “Efsha it will make a skirt.”

Melvyn goes to his girlfriend’s house for the first time. Sharon shows him into the living room and then excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he’s standing there alone, he notices a colourful little vase on the mantelpiece and picks it up. As he’s looking at it, Sharon walks back in.
Melvyn says, “What’s this?”
Sharon says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
Melvyn is suddenly lost for words. He says, “Jeez… oooh… .I… ”
Sharon then says, “Yes, he’s too lazy to get up off the couch and go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

© 2015