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Did you hear about the Jewish Mother cash machine? When you take out some money, it says to you “Nu, what did you do with the last

Sarah and Max get married. On their wedding night, just when Max is highly aroused, Sarah surprises him by demanding $25 for their lovemaking. Max readily agrees.
Over the next 30 years, this scenario is repeated each time they make love – and lovemaking is very frequent because they are both passionate people. Max always regards the payment as a cunning way to let Sarah buy new clothes and go regularly to the hairdressers.
One day, Sarah arrives home just after lunch to find Max at home. He is stressed out and in tears. He tells her, “My company’s been taken over and I’ve been made redundant. What on earth will I do? I’m not young anymore and finding another job quickly will be difficult.”
Without saying a word, Sarah opens her bureau and hands Max her Nationwide Building Society passbook. When he opens it, he’s surprised to see it showing deposits plus interest over 30 years totalling nearly $1 million. Sarah then hands him share certificates worth nearly $2 million and says, “Darling Max. For the last 30 years, I’ve been carefully investing my ‘$25 lovemaking charges’ and what you see is the result of my investments. So we don’t need to worry about money.”
When he hears this, Max gets even more distraught and agitated than before, so Sarah asks him, “Why are you so upset at such good news, Max?”
Max replies, “Oy vay. If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business.”

Miriam had a problem with her young son Ben – he went into a total panic every time she served up the family’s favourite dish of kreplach. Every effort she and her husband made to explain to Ben how nice kreplach tasted failed miserably. So she took Ben to see doctor Lewis, an eminent psychiatrist.
Doctor Lewis listened to the problem, then said, “I think this situation is easy to resolve. All you have done so far is talk – you’ve told Ben how nice kreplach are but you haven’t yet shown him how nice they are. So take him home and let him watch you prepare the kreplach. First of all, let him see the ingredients that go inside a kreplach. Then show him how a kreplach is made. Once he sees there’s nothing to be scared of, he will grow to like them.”
When they returned home, Miriam followed doctor Lewis’s advice. She took Ben into her kitchen and sat him down to watch her prepare a kreplach. She put in front of him a small mound of dough and a plate of chopped meat she had prepared earlier. “See Ben,” she said, “is there anything here to be worried about?”
“No mum,” smiled Ben.
Miriam then put some minced meat in the centre of the dough and folded over one corner. She looked at Ben and saw he was still smiling. ‘Maybe this will actually work,’ she thought.
She folded over the second corner (Ben was still smiling) and then the third. All was going better than she had dared hope. Then she folded over the last corner – and immediately Ben started to get into a state and shouted, “Oy veh, kreplach.”

A rabbi, a baptist pastor and a cathloic priest all get together and buy new cars. The baptist pastor decides he wants to dedicate his car to god so he drives the car into the river. The priest decides then to dedicate his car also. He dumps a bucket of water onto his. The rabbi then says “Well if those christian schmucks are doing this i guess i need to also.” So he proceeds to saw off the tail pipe.

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when Bernie slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.
As Bernie unwound his scarf he said to the baker, “May I have two bagels to go, please?”
The baker said in astonishment, “Two bagels? Nothing more?”
“That’s right,” answered Bernie, “One for me and one for Bernice.”
“Bernice is your wife?” asked the baker.
“What do you think,” snapped Bernie, “my mother would send me out on a night like this?”

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