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Edgware Road synagogue wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management. Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Rabbi.
“What time does the course start, Rabbi?”
The Rabbi replied, “Oh… fivish, sixish… .”

During the Great Depression, two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they happen by a Baptist Church. They see a big sign posted that says, “join our church and you get fifty dollars.”
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”
“Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”
Abe says, “What are you, crazy?”
Murray thinks for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it. The kids need shoes and I have to put food on the table.” With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out an hour later with a wet forehead.
“So,” asks Abe, “did you get your fifty dollars?”
Murray looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think of?”

I’m a senior citizen

* I’m the life and soul of the party – even if it lasts until 8 pm.
* I’m very good at opening childproof caps – with a hammer.
* I’m usually interested in going home – before I get to where I was going.
* I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
* I’m smiling all the time – because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying.
* I’m very good at telling stories – over and over and over and over.
* I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as cute as mine are.
* I’m not grouchy – I just don’t like traffic, queuing, crowds, loud music, unruly kids, barking dogs, and a few other things I can’t remember.
* I’m sure that everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
* I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy – and that’s just my right leg.
* I’m having trouble remembering simple words like . . .like…

I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I’m having the time of my life. If I could remember who sent this to me, I would send it to others. Have I already sent this to you?

Esther makes an emergency appointment to see her doctor.
“Doctor,” says Esther, “just look at the mess I’m in. When I awoke this morning, I looked in the mirror and was shocked to see my hair all wiry, my skin wrinkled and blotchy, my eyes bloodshot and bulging out of their sockets and my face so white that I looked like a corpse. What on earth is wrong with me, doctor?”
The doctor looks at her and calmly says, “Well, for a start, there’s certainly nothing wrong with your eyesight… “

Yitzhak and Hyman are visiting London for the first time. One day, whilst out sightseeing in Golders Green, they come across two Jews with long beards and dreadlocks, wearing long black coats and wide brimmed hats.
Yitzhak, who’s a bit of a joker, points to them and says to Hyman, “What are they?”
Hyman replies, “Hassidim.”
“I see them too,” says Yitzhak smiling, “but what are they?”

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