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1. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don’t listen to critics – do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can’t fight or flee – float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat.

Jeremy asks his wife Naomi what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new diamond bracelet?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Naomi.
“Well how about a Lexus sports car?” says Jeremy.
“No,” she replies.
“What about a holiday home in the south of France?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what would you like for your anniversary?” Jeremy asks.
“I’d like a divorce, Jeremy,” answers Naomi.
“Oy, I wasn’t planning to spend that much!” says Jeremy.

Abe’s son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.
“Dad, you’ll be so proud of me,” he said, “I saved a pound by running behind the bus all the way home!”
“Oy Vey!” said Abe, “You could have run behind a taxi and saved £10.”

One morning, Hannah is on a bus on her way to Brent Cross shopping centre when she notices a man sitting opposite her. “Hello,” she says to him, “do you recognise me?”
“No I don’t,” he replies.
“Are you joking?” says Hannah, “Are you really saying you don’t remember me?”
“Madam,” he replies, “I’ve never seen you before.
“Oy veh, you’re going to be so embarrassed when I tell you who I am,” says Hannah.
“OK,” he says, “why do you think you know me?”
“Because I went to your barmitzvah, that’s why,” replies Hannah.
“You’ve made a mistake then,” he says, “because I’m not even Jewish.”
“You’re not Jewish?” says Hannah, “then please give me back my present.”

One day, Rabbi and Ucrinian are going in the same room in the train. The Ucrainian says: “Hey, let’s play cards.”. “But we don’t have cards” replays the Rabbi. “Don’t worry” says the Ucrainian, “I have Bacon and you I see also something”. “Yes, Matzah” says the Rabbi.
So they started to play, the Ucrainian throws bacon and says: “Bacon”, the Rabbi throws little bit of Matza and says: “Ace Matzah” taking the bacon and eating it.
The Ucranian is sorpriezed and cuts a bigger bacon and says: “Ace Bacon”. The Rabbi: “Takennnnn!”.

© 2015