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Rebecca’s husband has died and the funeral is almost over. Rabbi Bloom goes up to her and says, “I dont think youll ever find another man like your late husband Morris.”
Rebecca replies, “So whos looking for one?”

I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to black outs. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my
driver’s license.

Abe’s son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.
“Dad, you’ll be so proud of me,” he said, “I saved a pound by running behind the bus all the way home!”
“Oy Vey!” said Abe, “You could have run behind a taxi and saved £10.”

Lionel is getting quite bald and his elder daughter’s wedding is coming up. All his friends and family would be there so, well even men can be vain; he gets fitted with an expensive toupee.
On the wedding day, everything went well. Nevertheless, Lionel thought that everyone must have seen his toupee. Next day, his youngest daughter sees his worried look and says, “What’s the matter, daddy? Why are you so sad?”
“I’m not really sad, darling,” he replies, “it’s just that I’m sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig.”
“No they didn’t, daddy,” she says, “No one I told knew.”

Lionel tells his friend Sidney that he’s at last looking for a wife.
“So what kind of wife are you looking for?” asks Sidney.
“Well,” replies Lionel, “she needs to be ultra beautiful, she needs to be very kind to me, and she needs to have lots of money.”
“But you can’t marry three women at the same time,” says Sidney.

© 2015