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The following statements about the Bible were written by children.

o In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, G-d got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
o Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
o Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they ate unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
o The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
o Afterward, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten amendments.
o The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
o The seventh commandment is “Thou shalt not admit adultery.”
o The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
o David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
o Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines

Moishe was an elderly man and resided in a nursing home in Hendon. One day he went into the office and informed his nurse that his penis had died. Realizing that Moishe was old and forgetful, she decided to play along with him.
“It did? I’m sorry to hear that, Moishe,” she replied.
Two days later, Moishe was walking down the hall at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. His nurse saw him and said, “Moishe, I thought you told me your penis had died.”
“It has,” Moishe replied, “today is the viewing.”

God is talking to one of his angels. He says, “Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?”
The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?”
God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.”

They wanted it to be a very special occasion, one, which would never be forgotten. A safari Bar Mitzvah was being done too often, a neighbor’s son had had his ceremony at the Wailing Wall, and the South
Pole was just too cold.
So the father of the boy arranged to rent the shuttle from NASA and take the Rabbi, family, and all their friends into space. The scientists had returned from MIR and it was not being used at present. The excursion created a lot of worldwide attention, and all the press was there to find out how it went.
The first person off the shuttle was the grandmother, and the reporters asked her, “How was the service?”
Grandma answered, “OK”.
“How was the boy’s speech?”
“How was the food?”
“Everything was just OK? You don’t seem to have liked it? What was wrong?”
“There was no atmosphere!”

You know you grew up Jewish when…

* You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef brisket”.
* Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.
* Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.
* You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
* You never knew anyone who’s last name didn’t end in one of 5 standard suffixes.
* You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
* Your mother smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel badly for hurting her hand.
* You can understand Yiddish but you can’t speak it.
* You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don’t exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra.
* You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse’s ancestor.
* You grew up thinking it’s normal for someone to shout, “Are you okay? Are you okay?” through the bathroom door if you’re in there for longer than 3 minutes.
* You have at least six male relatives named David.
* You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Stephen Spielberg movie.
* You thought that speaking loud was normal.

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