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Victor and Rivkah have always wanted a son to join their two stunningly gorgeous teenage daughters and so attempt for ‘their’ boy one last time. After months of trying, Rivkah gets pregnant and 9 months later delivers a healthy baby boy.
Victor is at first ecstatic but as soon as he sees his son he is horrified – it’s the ugliest baby he’s ever seen. He turns to Rivkah and says, “This can’t be my son, Rivkah. Anyone can tell this just by looking at the two beautiful daughters I’ve fathered. Have you been unfaithful to me?”
Rivkah smiles sweetly and replies, “No, not this time.”

Isaac is 80 years old and goes to see doctor Myers for a full health check. After completing his tests, doctor Myers says to Isaac, “Well, for someone your age, everything seems very normal to me. But I’d like to ask you just one more question, Isaac. How is your sex life?”
“Well,” replies Isaac, “it’s not really too bad, doctor. My wife isn’t really interested in sex any more, so I just drive around the streets of London once or twice a week. I’m really quite successful at finding one-night stands. For example, last week I picked up and made love to two young women.”
“Oy, and at your age too,” says doctor Myers. “I do hope Isaac that you took some precautions.”
“Oh yes, doctor,” replies Isaac, “I may be old, but I’m not senile yet. I gave both of them a phoney name.”

Maurice and Hannah got married and were on their honeymoon. On their first night, they began getting undressed together for the first time.
As soon as Maurice removed his shoes and socks, Hanna quickly noticed how twisted and red looking his toes were.
“Whatever happened to your feet?” Hannah asked.
“I had a childhood disease called tolio,” replied Maurice.
“Don’t you mean polio?”
“No, tolio, it only affects the toes,” Maurice said.
Maurice then took off his trousers to reveal badly deformed, lumpy knees.
“What happened to your knees?” Hannah asked.
“Well, I also had kneasles,” replied Maurice.
“Don’t you mean measles?”
“No, kneasles, it only affects the knees,” Maurice said.
Finally Maurice removed his pants and stood there in all his glory.
Hannah gasped and said, “Don’t tell me, you also had smallcox!”

A classic example of chutzpa is someone who kills his father and mother, then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan.

A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday in Brent Cross for a coffee and a chat. They drink their coffee and then sit for hours discussing the world situation. Usually, their discussion is very negative.
One day, Moishe surprises his friends by announcing, loud and clear, “You know what? I’ve now become an optimist.”
Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation dries up.
But then Sam notices something isn’t quite right and he says to Moishe, “Hold on a minute, if you’re an optimist, why are you looking so worried?”
Moishe replies, “Do you think it’s easy being an optimist?”

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