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A young jewish boy walks into a bar with a giraffe, they both sit down and order almost everything off the menu. They eat the bar snacks and laugh jovially. When it comes time to pay and leave, the boy does and leaves. Before he can get out of the door, the bartender demands “Hey you cant just leave that lying there!” the boy then says “It’s not a lion its a giraffe.”

what is the difference between a jewish mother and a vulture?
a vulture waits till your dead before it eats your heart out.

Three sons left England and went to live in the USA, where they prospered. One day, they met and discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
David said, “I built a big house for mum.”
Henry said, “I sent her a Lexus – with a driver.”
Alan said, “You remember how mum enjoys reading the bible. Because she now can’t see very well, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse.”
Soon afterwards, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
“David, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Henry, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Lexus. And that driver has shpilkas–he’s a pain in the tuchas. But Alan, the chicken was delicious.”

Joshua is mega-rich and is always lavishing expensive presents on his wife, Naomi. But today, Joshua is in big trouble. He has forgotten that it’s their wedding anniversary. Oy Veh!
Naomi looks him in his eyes and says, in a very serious manner, “Tomorrow, Joshua, there had better be something for me outside our garage that goes from 0 to 200 in next to no time at all, or else… ..”
Naomi gets up early next morning, opens her front door and finds a small package outside the garage. She opens it and finds, of all things, brand new bathroom scales.
The levoyah is on Sunday and Naomi is sitting shivah for the whole week.

Levoyah: Funeral
Shivah: 7 days period of mourning

Ben was in a hospital ward with two non-Jews. On his first morning, Ben puts on his tefillin, but the non-Jews can’t figure out what he is doing. Finally, one says to the other, “Look how smart those Jews are! He’s taking his own blood pressure.

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