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Abe’s father is a widower and a multi-millionaire. He also has a terminal illness and is likely to pass away soon. Abe, a single man, decides he needs a woman with whom to enjoy his soon-to-be-received fortune and where better to find one than in a single’s bar.
With luck, on his first visit, Abe meets Rifka, a woman whose beauty literally takes his breath away.
“I’m just a standard kind of a nice guy,” he says to her, “but in a week or two’s time my dear father is expected to die and I’ll inherit over $20 million.”
Rifka goes home with Abe and the following day becomes his stepmother.

Abe was a poor tailor whose shop was next door a 2star Michelin restaurant. Every day for lunch, Abe would eat his black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He would always smell the wonderful odours emanating from the next door restaurant’s kitchen.
One day, the restaurant sent Abe an invoice. Abe went to see the manager to ask why.
The manager replied, “You’re enjoying my food, so you should pay for it.”
Abe refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the story.
They said, “Every day, this man comes and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food whilst eating his. We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed for it.”
The judge then asked Abe, “And what do you have to say about that?”
Abe said nothing but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, “What’s the meaning of that?”
Abe replied, “I am paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So – you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”
The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”
The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” He hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The rabbi replies, “No . . . I think I’ll wait for the police.”

Four men, a German, and Italian, a Mexican and a Jew are walking the desert.
The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty, I must have a beer.”
The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty, I must have some wine.”
The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty, I must have some tequila.”
The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes.”

Maurice, age 92, has just asked Sarah, age 89, to marry him and she has accepted. Mazeltov! They are both very excited and decide to go for a walk so that they can discuss the wedding arrangements. On their walk they pass a large chemist and decide to go in. Maurice asks to see the owner.
When a young man comes up to them, Maurice asks, “Are you the owner?”
“Yes I am,” says the man, “how can I help?”
“We’re about to get married,” says Maurice. “Do you sell heart medication?”
“Of course we do,” replies the owner.
“How about medicine for improving circulation?” asks Maurice.
“We stock all kinds, sir.”
“What about remedies for rheumatic conditions?” asks Sarah.
“Yes, no problem, madam.”
Maurice then asks, sheepishly, “Do you stock that Viagra, then?”
“Of course, sir.”
Sarah then asks, “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson’s, medicine for memory problems, arthritis and jaundice?”
“Yes, we stock a large variety of all of these. The works, madam.”
Maurice then asks, “Do you sell wheelchairs and Zimmer frames?”
“Our speciality. We have many sizes and all speeds.”
Maurice finally says to the owner, “OK. We’d like to set up our wedding gifts list here, please.”

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