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Jacob was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife, Golda, asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to Doctor Katz’s office. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her new boy friend, Bernie. After being informed of the problem, their Bernie said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought him out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful – isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”
The father replied, “From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!”

“Couch potato latke, in search of the right apple sauce. Let’s try it for eight days. Who knows? PO Box 43.”

“Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. PO Box 56.”

“Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. PO Box 123″

Moisha and Esther Rabinowitz move into a highly Orthodox community in Monsey, and want to join a local shul. They seem appropriate for the community, and the Rabbi comes to their house to make certain that everything in the house
meets requirements.
All of the mezuzahs are in place and have been certified. Good.
The kitchen has two stoves, two refrigerators, two dishwashers, two prep areas, two sinks, but has five sets of dishes and five sets of flatware.
The Rabbi says, “Four I can understand, Pesach meat and dairy, Non-Pesach meat and dairy. So, what do you need the fifth set for?”
Esher answers, “For Traif.”

During their business lives, Joel, Mordechai and Emanuel did so well that they became millionaires. Now, in retirement, they meet up in one of the most expensive hotels in the world, the ‘Mazuma Mit Mazel’ Hotel, no less. During their conversation, it soon becomes clear that they all have problems with deteriorating body parts.
“It’s unfair,” says Joel. “Now that I have money and I’m a widower, I could go with any of the beautiful women who come here looking for a husband. But because of my poor eyesight, I’m unable to see who’s beautiful and who’s not.”
“I know what you mean,” says Mordechai. “Now that I have money, I could order anything from the 7 star Michelin restaurant here – lobster, caviar, even the most expensive champagne they sell, Krugs ‘Clos du Mesnil’, but my doctor tells me that I must stick to things such as sardines, water biscuits, spinach and milk. With me it’s my bad stomach.”
“I too have a problem,” says Emanuel. “Take last night, for example. I’m in bed and feeling frisky so I ask mine Sarah to roll over onto her back. But she says to me, ‘Oh no, not again, you can’t be serious – we just made love for the third time only 10 minutes ago. So you see, guys, with me it’s my memory.”

A woman enters a kosher butcher shop and tells the kid behind the counter, “I would like a Long Island Duck!” The kid runs in the back and brings out a duck. She immediately sticks her index finger up the duck’s tuchas, and twirls it. She then looks at the kid and yells, “This is a New Jersey duck. I said a Long Island duck, Dummy!” The kid runs in the back and comes out with a second duck. After sticking her finger is the second duck she yells, “This is a Rhode Island duck. I said a Long Island duck. How dumb can you be?” The kid runs in the back again and comes out with a third duck and says, “I hope this is what yu want lady. It’s the last duck we have. After sitcking her finger up the behind of the third duck she says, “Ah! This is a Long Island duck. I’ll take it! Wrap it up!”
As the kid is wrapping the duck, she says “Your’e not too bright, are you! Your’e new around here. Where are you from, any way?” The kid bends down with his tuchas toward her and says, “Here lady! You tell me!”

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