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As a result of an earthquake an elderly jewish married couple were
buried in a cellar.
A rescue command of the Red Cross rakes out the ruins to release them.
Only a wall separates them.
A rescuer knocks with the hammer against the wall to give a signal to
the buried.
- Who is there? – there one hears from the cellar.
- The Red Cross.
- For the Red Cross we have already given.

Shlomo and Issy had been best friends for a long time, but for one reason or another had not seen each other for years. Then by chance they meet in Brent Cross Shopping Centre. They had so much to talk about that after 30 minutes of chatting, Shlomo invited Issy back to his flat to continue their reminiscences.
“Issy, I’ve a lovely wife and three kids and we would all love to have you come to us tonight for dinner.”
Issy replied, “That’s very kind of you, just tell me where you live.”
Shlomo wrote it down. “Here’s the address, Issy. It’s a block of flats. When you get to the main entrance, kick open the door with your foot, then go into the lobby and call the lift by pressing the button with your elbow. When the lift arrives, get in and press the 6th floor button with your elbow. When you reach the sixth floor, get out and go down the hall on the left until you find room number 607. That’s where we live. Press my bell with your elbow and I’ll let you in.”
“OK, Shlomo, but tell me… what’s all this kicking open of doors and pressing of buttons with my elbow?”
“Surely, Issy, you’re not coming empty-handed?”

Arnold and Estelle have been engaged for over 15 years. She won’t marry him while he is shicker and he won’t marry her while he is sober.

Yossel the Hassid is in London on business. It’s now one hour to shabbes and he’s all dressed up in his special shabbes clothes ready to go to a local shul. He takes the lift to the ground floor and walks towards the exit. As he reaches the reception area, he sees a stunning British Airways air hostess with blond hair and a face and figure he could die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel, she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him.
“Hello,” she says to him.
“Hello to you too,” he says.
“I have a confession to make,” she says.
“What is it?” he asks.
“I have a sexual fantasy,” she says.
“Nu, so go on,” he says.
“I’ve always wanted to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis and my fingers through his beard, play with his peyess, eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play with his shlong and then shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say?”
Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says, “And whats in it for me?”

Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?

1) Cain, because he wasn’t Abel.
2) Moses, because he went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.
3) King David, because he sat on the throne for forty years.
4) Solomon, because neither heaven nor Earth could move him.
5) Noah, because he was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.

© 2015