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Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn’t want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew’s bar mitzvah. Because he didn’t want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi’s sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.
When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football.
Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi’s sermon.
The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi’s pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines.
This was believed to be the first incidence in history of “artificial insermonation.”

Morris is passing by VOT-LOVELY MEN’S WEAR when he sees a sign in their window,
So he goes inside. Moshe, the assistant on duty, goes over to Morris and says, “Can I be of help, sir?”
“Yes you can,” replies Morris, “I’d like you to make me a Beatles jacket.”
“A Beatles jacket? I don’t know what that is exactly,” says Moshe. “Can you describe it to me?”
“Of course,” says Morris.
So Moshe takes out his note book and starts to make notes.
“It’s like an ordinary jacket,” says Morris “but this one has no collar. Neither does it have a lining… or buttons… or button holes. It doesn’t even have lapels.”
“Is that it?” asks Moshe.
“Yes,” replies Morris. “So nu? How much will such a jacket cost?”
“For you,” replies Moshe, “such a jacket will cost $350.”
“But your sign outside says, JACKETS – SPECIAL PRICE – $250,” says Morris.
“I know it does,” says Moshe, “but with all the extras you’ve asked for… ..”

When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realised he didn’t have his head covered… so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.
Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.
The father said, “This is important… put your hand back on his head!”
-to which Henry exclaimed, “What, am I my brother’s kipah?”

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated,
and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
“Bloomingdales?” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”
“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

Q: What do pensioners call a long lunch?
A: Normal.

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