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Shlomo goes to see his psychiatrist. “Doctor, my wife Fay is being unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Palwin’s Wine Bar and picks up a man. She sleeps with anybody who asks her to. Im going crazy with worry. What on earth should I do?”
Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a couple of deep breaths and try to calm down. Now, first of all tell me exactly where Palwin’s Wine Bar is.”

Moshe was one of those men who had very few girlfriends. When, on rare occasions, he was invited to parties, not only did people forget his name but also they did not take what he said seriously. Even when he tried to be funny, nobody laughed at his jokes! So naturally he was very depressed. When his counsellor suggested he should do something positive to impress his friends and neighbours, Moshe decided to rent a camel.
He put on his khaki shorts and pith helmet and got on the camel. He then rode up and down Edgware looking very proud. Everywhere he and the camel went, there was a buzz of surprise. Passers by stared, pointed, shouted and talked about him. Moshe repeated this activity every day for a week. But then someone stole his camel and Moshe had to go to the police to report the theft.
“I have come to report the theft of a camel,” said Moshe.
“A camel?” said the sergeant, “OK, let me have some details. How tall was it?”
“Maybe 6 or 7 feet tall,” replied Moshe.
“What colour was it?”
“Light brown/grey.”
“Was it male or female?” asked the sergeant.
“Male,” replied Moshe.
“Are you sure?” asked the sergeant.
“Definitely,” replied Moshe, “every time I rode it, I could hear passers by yelling, ‘look at that shmuck on the camel.’”

Rivkah is trying hard to get the tomato ketchup to come out of the bottle. As she is banging the bottom of the bottle the phone rings, so she asks her 4-year-old Faye to answer it.
“Mummy, its the rabbi,” shouts Faye. But before Rivkah can get to the phone, Faye says to the rabbi, “My mummy cant come to the phone to talk to you right now. Shes hitting the bottle.”

Q: What’s the first sentence you’ll find in a Jewish cook book?
A: “Before you start, please take a few deep breaths and CALM DOWN.”

Moishe and Sadie, hoping to get rid of their Rabbi, decided to trap him by exposing his hypocrisy when his wife went to Israel to visit her family. The Rabbi was working at home, as he usually did on Wednesday mornings, preparing his Shabbat sermon, when the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was Sadie standing outside. She opened her coat, revealing that she was nude, except for a small frilly white apron.
“Do you want to play games?” Sadie asked, “I’ll be Caron, the French maid.”
“Wonderful, wonderful,” the Rabbi said, “come right in and take off your coat.”
He looked Sadie over and said, “OK, let’s play. You’re the maid and I’m the housewife. I’m going out to have lunch with a couple of my friends, and while I’m gone, you’re going to start in the kitchen. Be careful with the crockery and don’t mix up the silverware. OK?”

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