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Benjamin rushes to his doctor.
“Doctor, you’ve got to give me something to make me young again. I’ve got a date with this beautiful young girl tonight.”
His doctor said, “Hold on a second, you’re 70 years old, there’s really not a lot I can do for you.”
Benjamin replies, “But doctor, my friend Tony is much older than I am and he says he has sex three times a week.”
“OK”, says the doctor, “so you say it too!”

Joe Goldberg, who lived in a Jewish old people’s home, reached the age of 100 and all his family were gathered around him, having a party and waiting for the Queen’s telemessage. Suddenly there was a knock at the door – it was the postman.
‘Anyone here by the name of Joe Goldberg?’ he asked. One of Joe’s rich grandsons stepped forward.
‘Listen,’ he said to the postman. ‘My grandfather sang in the synagogue choir for many years. It would mean a lot if you would sing the message to him.’
‘Sorry,’ said the postman, ‘it’s against regulations.’
The grandson took a

Grandpa David & Grandma Andrea were staying overnight at their grandson Paul’s house when Grandpa David saw a bottle of Viagra pills in the bathroom cabinet. He asked Paul whether he could use one of the pills.
Paul said, “I don’t think you should take one, Zeida, they’re very potent and expensive.”
“How much?” asked Grandpa David.
“$10 for each pill,” Paul replied.
“I don’t care,” said Grandpa David, “I’d like to try Viagra at least once before I die. But don’t worry, if I do take one, I’ll pay you for it.”
The next morning Paul found a cheque for $110 on the kitchen table. He said to Grandpa David, “Zeida, I told you each pill was $10, not $110.”
“I know,” said Grandpa David, “The extra hundred is from your Bubba.”

Isaac was out shopping in Golders Green when he sees a sign in a window saying, ‘JACOB’S CUSTOM MADE CLOTHING’. He’s not sure whether to go in – it looks an expensive shop. But Jacob, the owner, sees him hesitating and quickly invites him in.
“What are you looking for?”
“A suit.”
“Good,” said Jacob, “you’ve come to the right place. When we make a suit here, you’ll be surprised at how we go about it. First, digital cameras take pictures of your every muscle and we download the pictures to a special computer to build up your image. Then we cultivate sheep in Australia to get the very best cloth. For the silk lining, we contact Japan for their silkworms, and we ask Japanese deep-sea divers to get the pearl buttons.
“B-b-bbut,” said Isaac, “I need the suit for a Barmitzvah.”
“When?”
“Tomorrow.”
“… You’ll have it.”

Jacob from Russia had just completed a training course titled, ‘Improve your English’ and was taking an oral exam. The examiner asked him to spell “cultivate.”
Jacob spelled it correctly.
Then the examiner asked Jacob to use the word ‘cultivate’ in a sentence.
Jacob thought about it for a while, then replied, “Last vinter, on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for de bus but it vas too cultivate so I took an underground train home.”



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