Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100254 jokes and pictures!


Abie and Moishe ran a Judaica shop on Delancy Street on the Lower East Side of NY for 33 years. Their once thriving business was doing poorly because almost all the Jews moved away and the neighborhood was now Hispanic.
Abie came up with a novel idea. Why not sell Catholic goods so they could stay in business?
Moishe agreed. So, Abie called up a Catholic good supply house on Park Avenue and placed his order. He said:
“Catholic Supply House. I’d like 100 rosary beads, 50 autographed pictures, and 75 crucifixes”.
The supply house representative confirmed the order and then said:
“Do you vant the crucifixes mit Jesus or mitout Jesus? By the way, we don’t deliver on Saturdays. We’re closed for Shabbos.

One day, as Isaac Levy is driving home, a lorry crashes into his car. He’s very lucky and suffers only moderate injuries. Nevertheless, he’s off work for two months. As a result, he contacts a Personal Injury lawyer who, after hearing the details, recommends that Isaac take the lorry driver to court for dangerous driving. Isaac agrees.
A few weeks later, Isaac arrives in Court and soon he’s in the witness box answering questions thrown at him by the lorry driver’s very aggressive defence lawyer.
“Mr Levy,” asks the lawyer, “did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”
“Vell, I’ll tell you exactly vot happened at the scene of the accident,” replies Isaac. “I had only just put my dog Cindy into the – ”
“Mr Levy,” interrupts the lawyer, “I didn’t ask you for any details. All I need from you is a simple answer to my question – did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine, thank you, I’m fine’?”
“Vell,” replies Isaac, “as I vas saying, I just got mine Cindy into my car and vas driving down the road ven – ”
“Mr Levy!” Once again the lawyer interrupts Isaac. This time, the lawyer turns to the judge and says, “Your
Honour, I’m trying to establish an important fact. This man told the Police Officer at the scene of the accident that he was just fine. Now he’s trying to sue my client. I believe, your Honour, that Mr Levy is a liar. Please tell him to simply answer my question.”
But the Judge is now interested in Isaac’s reply and says to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what Mr Levy has to say about his dog Cindy.”
On hearing this, Isaac continues, “Vell, like I vas saying, your Lordship, I put mine Cindy, mine vunderful, friendly Cindy, into the car and drove off. But within minutes, a large lorry vent across a red light and crashed into my car. I vas trapped by mine legs and vas in pain. Den I heard mine Cindy moaning and whimpering. Oy, it vas the vorst sound I haf ever heard and I knew she vas seriously hurt. Then the police arrived. Vun of them heard mine lovely Cindy whimpering so he vent over to her, saw vat terrible condition she vas in, took out his gun and shoots mine Cindy dead. Den the policeman walks over to me in my car and I see he’s still holding his gun. He looks at me and says, ‘How are you feeling?’ So nu, your Lordship, vat vould you haf said?”

The Jewish Chronicle had heard that Benjy was coming up to his 108th birthday so they sent one of their reporters to interview him.
“How do you account for your longevity?” asked the reporter.
“You could say that I am a health nut,” Benjy answered. “I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed by ten o’clock, I’ve been going to Israeli dance classes since I was a teenager and I’ve always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow.”
“But,” said the reporter, “my uncle Shlomo followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 70. So how come it didn’t work for him?”
“All I can say,” replied Benjy, “is that he didn’t keep it up long enough.”

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany.
He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.
So Moisha explained: “We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth.”
The customs official shook his head and said, “Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?”
Moisha then said “Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.
The customs official slapped his head and then said, “You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?”
“Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich.”

Marcus Brutus Goldstein earned his living in the great market of ancient Rome. He was a tailor and made togas which he would sell from his market stall. His marketing ploy was to shout out his wares for sale, “Togas! Come buy your togas here – the finest togas in all of Rome!”
Unfortunately, business was not good.
His friend Moshe suggested that the problem was due to the cold weather. He should therefore line the garments with a fine quality wool lining.
Marcus Brutus Goldstein decided to use the finest quality Kashmir linings. From that day on, he could be heard plying his trade in the market, shouting to passers-by, “Kashmir in togas!”



© 2015 ijokedb.com