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A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, “I wish you long life”.

Shlomo is standing in his house near an open window. He is obviously wearing nothing but a tie around his neck.
Jacob is walking past the house, sees Shlomo and asks, “Why are you standing there all naked?”
“Why can’t I be naked?” replies Shlomo, “this is mine house. There is no one else here.”
“But why are you wearing a tie?” asks Jacob.
“Well,” replies Shlomo, “what if someone drops in to visit me?”

Hannah is out walking in the park with her young daughter Emma when she sees Emma pick something up from the ground and put it in her mouth. “Emma,” she shouts out loud, “spit that out at once.”
Emma does as she’s told, then asks, “Why can’t I put it in my mouth, mummy?”
“Because it will make you ill, darling,” replies Hannah. “As it’s been on the ground, it’s got dirty, so it’s full of germs which will make you very sick.”
Emma looks admiringly at her mother and asks, “You’re so, so clever, mummy. How do you know all these things?”
“All mummies know these things, darling,” replies Hannah. “It’s what we have to learn before we can take the MUMMY TEST. If you don’t pass this test, they don’t let you be a mummy.”
“Oh, so does this mean that if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the daddy instead?” asks Emma.
“That’s exactly right, darling,” Hannah replies with a big grin.

Rachel is walking down Edgware Road and meets her friend Naomi. Rachel is very surprised to see that Naomi is walking a dog.
“So what’s with the dog, Naomi?” asks Rachel. “I’ve never seen you with a dog before. Is it new?”
“Yes it is,” replies Naomi, “I got this dog for my husband. I wish I could make a trade like that everyday.”

Benjamin rushes to his doctor.
“Doctor, you’ve got to give me something to make me young again. I’ve got a date with this beautiful young girl tonight.”
His doctor said, “Hold on a second, you’re 70 years old, there’s really not a lot I can do for you.”
Benjamin replies, “But doctor, my friend Tony is much older than I am and he says he has sex three times a week.”
“OK”, says the doctor, “so you say it too!”

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