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Old Chaim is dying. His entire mishpocha is sitting around his bed, subdued and not knowing what else they can do.
They ask him, “Chaim, maybe we can fulfil your last wish?”
“Yes… I’d like… a cup of tea… with two teaspoons… of sugar.”
“Why?” they ask him.
“I’ve had a long life… and all of that time… when I drank tea in my own house… I used one spoon of sugar… When I had tea… in someone else’s house… I put three spoons of sugar in my cup… But really… really… all my life… I loved tea… with two spoonfuls of sugar.”

Abe asked his eldest son to say the motzi (blessing over bread). His son realized that he didn’t have his head covered, so he asked his little brother to put a hand on his head until he finished the blessing. But after a few minutes, the younger son grew impatient and took off his hand.
Abe said, “What are you doing? Put your hand back on your brother’s head.”
The younger son replied, “Am I my brother’s kippah?”

Avrahom is a 50 year-old single guy who owns a successful gift shop in Edgware. He is very rich. One day, he somehow gets confused about how to pay an invoice he’s just received, so he asks Sylvia, his secretary, to come into his office.
Avrahom sits her down next to him and says, “Sylvia, if I were to give you $22,000, minus 17.5%, how much would you take off?”
Sylvia pauses, looks him up and down and replies, “Everything but my jewellery.”

Isaac has been quietly perusing a document for some time and his wife Rose is getting curious. So she asks him, “Nu, so what are you reading, Isaac?”
“Our ketubah,” he replies.
“But you’ve been staring at it now for nearly an hour,” she says.
“I know,” Isaac replies. “I’m looking for something.”
“So what are you looking for, Isaac?” asks Rose.
“An expiry date,” he replies.

ketubah: Jewish marriage certificate

“So where on this menu is the bacon?”
“I thought they said not to wear hats in the synagoge”
They’re reading and pernounce the word synaogue like it’s spelled… and they’re 30!
They keep pointing out how much they love that Star of Christ.
They name their child (or they are named) Christian
Don’t know what a bar-mitzvah is…

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