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Avrahom is a 12year old known for his total lack of religious study, so when his barmitzvah day arrives, Rabbi Bloom is not about to let this go without comment. Avrahom performs his barmitzvah as best he can with his minimal preparation and when it comes time to receive his presents, Avrahom gets what most barmitzvah boys are given – a daily prayer book; a set of Jewish Festivals prayer books; a kiddush cup from the congregation’s ladies guild; an encyclopaedia – “The History of the Jewish People from Bible Times to the Present”; and a bible (old testament).
Rabbi Bloom then addresses the barmitzvah boy, “My dear Avrahom. You have received today a number of treasures of Judaism in book form that will surely enrich your life and make it holy in the eyes of God. I also have a gift for you.”
With that, Rabbi Bloom pulls out an umbrella from behind the lectern and says to Avrahom, “I present you with this umbrella because I want to give you something that at least I know for certain you will open.”

Two Chelmites went for a walk. The first one said, “Look! Bear tracks!”
The second one disagreed, “No, those are deer tracks!” They were still arguing about it when they were hit by a train.

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just
like Moishe.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “C. There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my
coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to
Moishe every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the
pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him
play the piano.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something, huh?”

Cabbie: “He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s
birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat
them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the
whole neighborhood blacks out.”

Passenger. “Wow, some guy ehh?

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams, not like me.

Passenger: “Mmm, not many like that around”

Cabbie: “And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and
never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing
was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Moishe.”

Passenger: “Then how do you know so much about him?”

Cabbie: “I married his widow.”

how many jewish mothers does it take to run a household?

one to go “oi”
one to go “oi vey”
one to go “oi gevalt”

Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel and Shmerel are talking about moving to the USA.
Berel says, “When I emigrate to New York, Im going to have to change my name. They wont call me Berel anymore, theyll call me Buck.”
Cherel says, “When I emigrate to New York, Ill also have to change my name. Theyll call me Chuck.”
Then Shmerel says, “Well Im not going anywhere.”

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