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Maurice, a motivational consultant, was just getting into his car when a lovely woman walks up to him and says, “Can you give me a lift please?”
Maurice replies, “Of course I can. You’re beautiful, intelligent and there’s nothing in the world you can’t do. Go for it.”

Sadie is a beautiful girl. She could have been an actress but instead she decides to get married young and raise a large family. In no time at all she has ten children. Then suddenly her husband passes away – and Sadie is still only 42.
But it doesn’t take our Sadie long to find a new husband. She quickly remarries and finds happiness once more. She could have decided that ten children was enough, but instead has eight more by her new husband. He dies when Sadie is still only 64 years old.
Maybe having so many children took it out on Sadie’s poor body because only a few months later, Sadie herself passes away. At her funeral, the Rabbi looks skyward and says, “At last they’re finally together.”
Sadie’s eldest son says, “Rabbi, do you mean mum and my father, or mum and my stepfather?”
The Rabbi replies, “Neither. I mean her legs.”

Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
It’s called “Cheeses of Nazareth”.

Issy and Jacob, both in their eighties, are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre when Issy turns to Jacob and says, “Jacob, please excuse me for my poor memory, but who died yesterday, was it Shlomo or you?”

Becky, an elderly Jewish lady from London, goes to her travel agent and says, “I want to go to India.”
“Why India? It’s filthy, very hot, and it’s filled to the brim with Indians. It’s a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You can’t drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You’ll get sick – hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, God only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?”
“I want to go to India.”
The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. Becky arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never- ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru.
“That’s okay.”
Eventually Becky reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words. She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holies, Becky is once again reminded, “Remember, just three words.”
Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: “Sidney, come home.”

© 2015