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Joshua is out shopping in Brent Cross shopping centre when he bumps into his friend Sam outside Pavins the jewellers. Sam has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. “Hi Sam,” says Joshua, “what have you been buying, may I ask?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” replies Sam, “its my Miriam’s birthday tomorrow and when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she said, Oh, I’ll leave it up to you, darling, but how about something with lots of diamonds in it.”
“So tell me already, what did you buy her?” asks Joshua.
“I bought her two packs of Bridge cards,” replies Sam.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car crash. It is a horrible wreck and both cars are totaled.
The rabbi gets out and says the priest “I think God wanted us to meet together and talk”
Priest “It would appear that way”
The rabbi says “just one minuet” and goes to the back of his car. After pulling a bottle of wine miraculously in pristine condition out of his trunk, he hands the bottle to the priest saying “I think God wanted us to come and have a drink together”
After the priest takes a heavy drink he tries to hand the bottle back to the rabbi, but the rabbi says “No, I think I’ll just wait in my car for the cops.”

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moshe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a “silent” debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue.”
Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moshe. “How did you win the debate?” they asked.
“I havent a clue,” said Moshe. “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, ‘up yours!’ Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, were staying right here.”
“And then what,” asked a woman.
“Who knows?” said Moshe, “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”

David from England is visiting his friend Stan in America. One of the first things Stan does is to invite David to a baseball game. Soon after the game starts, the first player hits a single and runs to first base. The next batter is a dangerous batter, so they decide to walk him.
David is very confused to see this and says to Stan, “I dont understand what’s happening, Stan. Why did the first player run to first base, whereas this last one just walked to first base?”
“It’s really simple, David,” replies Stan. “That’s because he got a walk – he had four balls.”
“Oh now I understand,” says David. “Having that is enough to slow any man down!”

A young man was going to evening classes in philosophy to improve his education and when he came home his father always asked him what he’d learned.
“This evening we talked about Einstein and the Theory of Relativity”
“Voos is doos der Theory of Relativity?”
“Well it shows that everything is relative. If you were sitting on a hot stove for five minutes it would seem like an hour, but if you were making love to a beasutiful woman for an hour it would seem like five minutes.”
The oild man thought for a minute. “And from this Einstein makes a living””



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