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Young Morris asked his father, “Dad, was Adam Jewish?”
His father put down his newspaper and thought for a moment. He was an expert at Talmudic reasoning and in the art of making a point by an unanswerable question.
He replied, “If we can determine that Eve was Jewish, my son, we would at once see that Adam was Jewish, for who but a Jew could bring himself to marry a Jewish girl?” (Here he turned his head a bit nervously to make sure his wife wasn’t listening.)
“Therefore, we can drop the Adam problem and instead ask ourselves, “Was Eve Jewish?”
“To answer that, we have only to ask the question, “Would anyone but a Jewish girl say, ‘Here, have a piece of fruit’?”

All we ever hear are “Jewish” jokes and sometimes they grow tiresome. So here are some Gentile jokes.

1. Sean goes into a men’s clothes shop and says, “This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?”
The salesman says, “It’s $900.”
Sean says, “OK, I’ll take it.”

2. Patrick meets Jed on the street. Patrick says, “You own your own business, don’t you? How’s it going?”
Jed replies, “Just great! Thanks for asking!”

3. Mary meets Jane on the street and they start talking about their children.
Mary says (with pride), “My son is a construction worker!”
Jane then says (with more pride), “My son is a truck driver!”

4. Thomas calls his mother and says, “Mum, I know you’re expecting me for dinner tonight, but something important has come up and I can’t make it.”
His mother says, “OK.”

5. Ewan and his wife go to a nice restaurant. Ewan says to the waiter, “I’ll have the steak and a baked potato and my wife will have the Julienne salad with house dressing. And we’ll both have coffee.”
The waiter says, “How would you like your steak and salad prepared?”
Ewan replies, “I’d like the steak medium. The salad is fine as is.”
The waiter says, “Thank you.”

6. Nigel calls his elderly mother and asks, ” Mum, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?”
She says, “I feel fine, and I don’t need anything. Thanks for calling.”

7. Jemima and Dorothy, two old friends, meet for the first time in many years. Dorothy asks, “How is your son getting along?”
Jemima replies, “He’s fine. He just turned 35.”
“And where does he live?” asks Dorothy.
“He lives at home with me. I don’t think he’ll ever get married.”
Dorothy says, “How nice.”

“Mr Issy Levy,” says the divorce court judge, “I have reviewed this case very carefully indeed, and as a result of the facts, I’ve decided to award your wife Rifka $350 a week.”
“That’s very fair of you, your honour,” says Issy, “and every now and then, I’ll try to send her some money too.”

Hette and her baby get on a bus at Golders Green. The bus driver takes one look and says to her, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
Hette is extremely angry. She sits down and says to the man next to her, “I don’t believe it – the bus driver just insulted me.”
The man replies, “You mustn’t let him get away with it. You should tell him off. Go ahead and do it now – I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Benny from Haifa passed away and was sent ‘below’. He was amazed, however, to discover lush vegetation, running streams, waterfalls and beautiful lakes everywhere. Everyone seemed happy.
“You look surprised,” said a resident.
“Yes, I am,” replied Benny, “I expected hell to be very dry and exceedingly hot. Like a desert. But all I can see are trees full of all kinds of fruit, beautiful flowers, lots of vegetables, lush grass and water everywhere. This is not hell”
“Well,” said the resident, “it used to be like you thought, but then the Israelis started to arrive and they irrigated the hell out of the place!”

© 2015