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One Sunday morning, Rabbi Rabbinovitz goes to visit Samuel Lyons.
“Shalom, Sam. I’ll come straight to the point. I’ve come here because our synagogue needs your help. You’ve been a member for over 20 years and I realise that you’re always quick to pay your membership fees in full. But as you are aware, we are in a financial crisis. I’ve come here to ask you for a little extra for the new school building fund.”
“How much are you looking to get from me – how big is little?” asks Sam.
“I’ll be honest. $10,000 would be a tremendous help to us,” replies the Rabbi.”
Sam responds, “Rabbi, my daughter Rebecca is soon getting married and she has asked me for $25,000 to help her buy that house she saw in Hampstead. And my son David is just starting at Manchester University and he wants $25,000 to see him through the difficult first year there. My wife Sadie wants a hysterectomy and she has asked for $30,000 for the doctors’ fees and in-patient facilities. And that’s not all. You know from your own experience that to keep my mother in a nursing home, they are asking $35,000. So Rabbi, if I can say ‘no’ to them, I can say ‘no’ to you.”

Shlomo and Issy were queuing to buy train tickets to London. Behind them were Mick and Pete. You can imagine Mick and Pete’s surprise when not only did Shlomo and Issy buy just one ticket, but also that both of them got on the train.
The train was 15 minutes into its journey when a ticket inspector came into their carriage. Mick and Pete waited for Shlomo and Issy to get caught, but before the inspector saw them, Shlomo and Issy ran into one of the toilets. When the inspector came to the occupied toilet and knocked on the door shouting, ‘ticket please’, a ticket immediately appeared under the door. The inspector clipped it and passed it back.
Mick and Pete were astounded by the trick – and mad because they had bought two tickets. They vowed to do likewise next time.
A few days later, Shlomo and Issy were in the queue to buy their ticket back home. But when they saw Mick and Pete buy just one ticket, they immediately left the queue without buying any ticket.
15 minutes into the train journey, when the ticket inspector entered their carriage, Mick and Pete ran into one of the toilets. Shlomo and Issy followed them and knocked on the toilet door. As soon as the ticket was passed underneath the door, Shlomo and Issy grabbed it and dashed into another toilet. (You can guess what then happened!).

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, “Today I am going to create a land called Israel. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It will have rolling hills and mountains full of goats and eagles, a beautiful, sparkling, clear ocean full of sea life and high cliffs overlooking white sandy beaches.”
God continued, “And I shall make the land rich in oil to allow the
inhabitants to prosper. I shall call these inhabitants ‘Jews’ and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.”
“But,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you’re being too generous to these Jews?”
“Not really,” replied God, “just wait and see the neighbours I am going to
give them.”

Lionel is out of work and, would you believe, goes to a nearby building site to see what jobs are going.
He goes up to the foreman and says, “Do you have any vacancies?”
The foreman replies, “What do you do?”
“I’m a handyman,” says Lionel.
“Can you do bricklaying?”
“Can you do plumbing?”
“Can you do carpentry?”
“So why are you calling yourself a handyman, then?” says the foreman.
“Because,” replies Lionel, “I live round the corner.”

Sam’s daughter says to him one day, “Dad, as you’re coming up to 80, why don’t you go see doctor Seigal and get him to give you a full medical? You haven’t been yourself ever since Mum died.”
“OK,” says Sam. And sure enough, a week later, he has a full health check.
Three days afterwards, doctor Seigal is surprised to see Sam walking towards him in Edgware High Street with a beautiful, sexy looking lady on his arm. She looks no more than 30. When they meet, doctor Seigal says, “It’s nice to see you Sam. When you have a moment, why don’t you call me? I have something I need to discuss with you.”
“OK doctor,” says Sam, “I’ll call you this afternoon.”
When Sam rings later that day, doctor Seigal says to him, “I see that you’ve decided to start seeing other women, Sam.”
“Yes doctor,” replies Sam, “I’m doing what you suggested when you said ‘get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”
“But that’s not what I said, Sam,” says doctor Seigal, “I told you that ‘youve got a heart murmur… be careful.’”

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