Joke's Database
Have fun searching 100254 jokes and pictures!

One evening, just outside Golders Green, a fire starts inside Shmatta Ltd, the leading clothing factory in north London and within minutes becomes a fierce fire.
As soon as the first fire engine arrives on the scene, Jacob goes over to the firemen and says, “Please. I’m the chief executive of this factory. All our next season’s designs are in my office in the centre of the building. They must be saved. I’ll give you $25,000 if you can save them.”
Even though the thought of the money encourages the men to take risks, the strong, hot flames keep them from going inside. When two more fire engines arrive, Jacob shouts out that the offer is now $50,000 to the team who saves the design files.
Then, from the bottom of Golders Green Road, a single siren is heard and a fourth fire engine comes rushing up the hill towards the fire. From the initials on the front, HJVFC, everyone knows it’s from the Hendon Jewish Volunteer Fire Company, whose members are all over 65. But how can they possibly help? To everyone’s amazement, the old-fashioned HJVFC fire engine doesn’t stop outside the building but drives straight into the middle of the fire.
As everyone watches, the elderly Jewish firemen jump down from their engine and begin fighting the fire with unbelievable energy and commitment. Five minutes later, the men from HJVFC have extinguished the fire and save the
secret designs. Jacob keeps to his bargain and writes out a cheque to HJVFC for $50,000. He then personally thanks each one of the elderly fire fighters and in particular, Moshe, the 75year old head of the team.
Jacob asks him, “What are you going to do with all that money?”
“Vell,” says Moshe, “the first thing ve are going to do is fix the brakes on our run down fire engine.”

Max Levy goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.
“Max, you’re in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I’m not a magician – I can’t make you any younger”, says the doctor.
“Who asked you to make me younger?” says Max. ” Just make sure I get older!”

I don’t know if you know this but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel) called DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price that I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday.

If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

The cursor moves from right to left.

It comes with two hard drives – one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.

Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, my PC now gets “Ferklempt.”

The Chanukah screen savers include “Flying Dreidels”

The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

The “Start” button has been replaced with “Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!” button.

When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to “Remove the cable from the PC’s tuchus”.

The multimedia player has been renamed to “Nu, so play my music already!”.

Internet Explorer has a spinning “Star of David” in the upper right corner.

I hear “Hava Nagila” during startup. Microsoft Office now includes “A little byte of this, and a little byte of that.”

When running “scandisk”, it prompts with a “You want I should fix this?” message.

When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud “Oy Gevalt”

There is a “monitor cleaning solution” from Manischewitz that Advertises that it gets rid of the “schmutz und drek” on your monitor.

After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes “Schloffen.”

Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.

The Y2K problem has been replaced by “Year 5761-5762″ issues.

If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

When Spellcheck finds an error it prompts “Is this the best you can do?

A guy is driving around suburban Jerusalem and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
“So, you talk?” he asks.
“Yap,” the dog replies.
“So, what’s your story?” asks the man.
The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help out. So I told the Mossad about my gift, and in no time at all they had me working flat strap, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders and suspected terrorists, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years running. But it was exhausting work and really tired me out. I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a less stressful job at Ben Gurion airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible stuff and was awarded a batch of medals. During that time I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired. And pretty much, that’s it.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars.” The guy says,
“This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He never worked for Mossad!”

Peter, a tourist wondering through the Sinai desert, gets lost and very soon is very tired and desperate for some water. Then, just when he had given up hope, he sees in the distance a tiny oasis, consisting of a few palm trees. When he arrives, he sees a sign saying MOSHE’S TIE WAREHOUSE and there, sitting under one of the trees in the shade is Moshe himself.
Moshe is reading the Jerusalem Post. Next to him is a table displaying dozens of different kinds of patterned coloured ties. So Peter goes over to Moshe and asks for some water.
Moshe says, “Im sorry, but I dont have any water. However, since youre here, would you like to buy a tie?”
Peter is angry. “What good is a tie to me in my condition? Cant you see that all I need is some water? You know where you can stuff your fancy ties.”
Moshe says, “It’s no good being rude to me. If you don’t want a tie, then don’t buy a tie. Whether you do or not is up to you. But the fact of the matter is that I still don’t have any water for you.”
As Peter begins to walk away, Moshe calls him back and pointing, says, “OK, Ill tell you where you can get some water. If you walk in that direction for about 30 minutes, you’ll come to a restaurant. Its owned by my brother Max and there youll be able to get plenty of food and water. So Peter starts walking and soon disappears over the sand dunes. Moshe just continues to read his paper.
Two hours later Peter returns to Moshe’s Tie Warehouse, crawling on his hands and knees. He is now extremely desperate for water and practically on his last breath. Moshe asks, “So what happened? Didnt you find Max’s restaurant? ”
“Oh, I found the restaurant alright,” gasped Peter, “but Max wouldnt let me in without a tie.”

© 2015