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Lionel is out of work and, would you believe, goes to a nearby building site to see what jobs are going.
He goes up to the foreman and says, “Do you have any vacancies?”
The foreman replies, “What do you do?”
“I’m a handyman,” says Lionel.
“Can you do bricklaying?”
“Can you do plumbing?”
“Can you do carpentry?”
“So why are you calling yourself a handyman, then?” says the foreman.
“Because,” replies Lionel, “I live round the corner.”

A Rabbi, a minister and a priest, played cards every Wednesday for small stakes, but their problem was that they lived in a ‘no gambling allowed’ town. One day, the sheriff raided their game and took them before the judge.
After hearing the sheriff’s story, the judge asked the priest, “Were you gambling, Father?”
The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, “Oh, Lord, forgive me,” and then replied aloud, “No, your honour, I was not gambling.”
“Were you gambling, Reverend?” the judge then asked the minister.
The minister replied, “No, your honour, I was not.”
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked, “Were you gambling, Rabbi?”
The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied “With whom?”

The teacher says to her class, “OK, children, I want you all to write an essay on what you would do if you won $1million on the lottery.”
At the end of the lesson, Isaac hands in a blank piece of paper.
“Isaac,” says the teacher, “why haven’t you written anything?”
“Because if I had a million pounds, Miss, that’s exactly what I would do – nothing.”

Bernie awakes and, as he’s been doing now for over 35 years, he immediately goes into the bathroom to get ready to go to work. But 15 minutes later, he’s still in the bathroom and it’s no surprise that his wife Renee finally hammers on the door and shouts out, “What on earth are you doing in there, Bernie? Why are you taking so long?”
“It’s simple, Renee,” Bernie shouts back. “As I get balder and balder, it’s taking me longer and longer to wash my face.”

“I just love Jewish food. But do you know the one thing that’s wrong with it? 72 hours after you eat it, you’re hungry again.”

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