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Q: How can you tell a Jewish baby boy in a nursery?
A: He’s the one with the heartburn.

Old Emanuel dies. All of his life he’d been dealing in second-hand cuff links and never got rich as a result. But one month after Emanuel’s death, his widow Leah gets a shock, and surprise, when 3 cheques arrive in the morning’s post – one cheque for each of the 3 life assurance policies Emanuel had taken out without her knowing. She adds up the 3 cheques and, Oy Veh, she’s rich – they total more than $175,000. She immediately phones her daughter.
“Suzy,” she says, “your dear father, God bless his soul, worked long and hard all his life to provide for us. We lived poor but contented. But now, just when we get some real money, Emanuel is not around to enjoy any of it.”

Shlomo and Moshe were talking one day about holidays. Shlomo says, “I think I am just about ready to book my winter holidays again, but I’m going to do it differently this time. In the past, I have always taken your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Eilat. I went to Eilat and my wife Ruth got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to Bermuda and Ruth got pregnant again. Last year you suggested the Canary Isles and as you know, Ruth got pregnant yet again.”
Moishe asks, “So what are you going to do different this year, Shlomo?”
“This year,” replies Shlomo, “I’m taking Ruth with me.”

David reaches 60 years of age and is now entitled to a Freedom Pass (for free travel on London buses and tubes). So he goes to the Post Office to pick up his pass. After queuing for nearly 20mins, he finally gets to the counter and says to the lady clerk, “Could I please have a Freedom Pass.”
“OK,” says the clerk, “but first I need to see either your passport or your drivers license so that I can verify your age.”
After fumbling in his pockets for a while, David says to the clerk, “I’m very sorry, but I’ve left my documents at home. They’re still sitting on my sideboard.”
But before David can leave, the clerk says to him, “Don’t go. Maybe I can check your age another way. Please open your shirt.”
David does what he’s asked and opens his shirt, revealing a large mass of silver curly hair.
“That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” says the clerk with a smile and promptly processes his application.
When David gets home, he can’t wait to tell his wife Andrea about his experience with the lady clerk at the Post Office. Andrea listens to his story then says, “You should also have pulled down your trousers and pants. She would then have given you a disability pension as well.”

Howard is one of the laziest men around and refuses to look for a job. One day, as he is lying flat out on the couch, his wife Becky says to him, “Im so ashamed of the way we live, Howard.”
“What do you mean by that?” Howard asks.
“Surely I don’t have to remind you,” she replies, “that we are so poor, my mother buys our kosher food, my father pays our mortgage and your sister buys our clothes. Why, even your aunt has just bought us a car. Aren’t you just a little bit ashamed?”
Howard sits up on the couch and replies, “You should be ashamed too. Benjy and Jacob, your two worthless brothers, have never given us a penny.”



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