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More Yiddish Proverbs

* If they give you, take; if they take from you, yell
* Charge nothing and youll get a lot of customers
* Cancer, shmancer – just as long as youre healthy
* Don’t worry about tomorrow, you don’t even know what may happen to you today
* You cant chew with somebody elses teeth
* If you spit upwards, youre bound to get it back in the face
* You cant dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind
* Had you gotten up early, you wouldnt have needed to stay up late
* For dying, you always have time

Hette had just got back home after a trip to Brent Cross shopping center when she was shocked to find her husband Bernie lying in their bed with a beautiful young woman at his side.
Hette was speechless and ran from the room crying. Bernie went after her and caught her just as she was opening the front door to escape.
Bernie said, “Before you leave me, Hette, please let me explain. I was driving home this afternoon when I saw this woman sitting on a wall at the bottom of our road. Her clothes were in tatters and she looked so tired and sad that I just had to stop and ask whether she needed any help.”
“She told me she was hungry so I brought her back home and gave her the piece of last night’s roast chicken you said you didn’t want. Her shoes were so worn out that I gave her a pair of your shoes that you don’t wear any more. She was so cold that I gave her that sweater you said was no longer in fashion that you were going to give to the charity shop. Her skirt was also worn out so I gave her a new skirt from your wardrobe – one that you said didn’t fit you anymore.”
“Then just as she was about to leave the house, she asked me, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ And so, here we are!”

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m ‘older’ (but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…
Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause… kids.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter… I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.

Moshe from Edgware builds one of the most advanced talking robots ever invented. This robot can answer just about any question asked of it, whatever the subject. Moshe announces his achievement in the Jewish Chronicle and invites scientists to the launch at the Golders Green Theatre. When the guests arrive, there stood the robot with a sign around its neck: -

ASK ME ANY QUESTION AND I’LL GIVE YOU THE CORRECT ANSWER

For the first 30 minutes, dozens of questions are asked and the robot always gives the correct answer. Everyone is amazed. Then Hymie goes up to the robot and asks, “Where, at this very moment, is my father?”
The robot immediately replies, “Your father is at present lying on the beach in front of the Dan Hotel in Tel Aviv accompanied by a gorgeous woman.”
“Well you’re totally wrong,” says Hymie. “My father is Aaron Minkoffsky and just before I arrived, I spoke to him on the phone. He’s at home with my mother in Edgware.”
“Yes, it’s true that Aaron Minkoffsky is at home with your mother in Edgware,” says the robot, “but your father is at present lying on the beach in front of the Dan Hotel in Tel Aviv accompanied by a gorgeous woman.”

Rivkah wakes up one morning and utters a loud “Oy Vay.” She has a nagging pain in her left shoulder. She immediately goes to see her doctor.
After examining her, her doctor says, “Do you own a full length mink coat?”
“Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one for our silver wedding.”
“Good,” he says, “you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again.”
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, “Well doctor, my shoulder has cleared, but I now have a pain in my left index finger.”
After examining her, he says, “Do you own a 3 or 4 carat diamond ring?”
“Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me a 4 carat ring to celebrate the birth of Moshe, our first grandson.”
“Good,” he says, “you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again.”
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, “Well doctor, my finger is OK but Im now getting terrible headaches behind my eyes.”
After examining her, he says, “Do you own a platinum and diamond tiara?”
“Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one to wear under the chuppah at our Sarahs wedding.”
“Good,” he says, “you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again.”
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, “Well doctor, it’s a miracle. My shoulder feels great, my finger feels great and Im not getting any further headaches. Thank you very, very much. But I have one question to ask you.”
“What is it Rivkah?” asks her doctor.
“Doctor, how do you treat your non Jewish patients?”



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