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One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems okay, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies, “except they won’t let you fart.”

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a mobile phone on a bench starts to ring. Sidney picks it up, engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
“Hello,” says Sidney.
“Honey, it’s me,” says a woman, “are you at the club?”
“Yes,” replies Sidney.
“Well I’m at the shopping centre,” she says, “and I’ve found a beautiful leather coat. It’s $450. Can I buy it?”
“OK, ” says Sidney, “go ahead and buy it if you like it that much.”
“Thanks,” she replies. “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and had a close look at the 2003 models. I saw one that I really liked.”
“How much was it?” asks Sidney.
“$37,000,” she replied.
“For that price,” says Sidney, “I want it with all the options.”
“Great,” she says. “Just one more thing. That house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re only asking $750,000 for it now.”
Sidney says, “Well then, go ahead and buy it, but don’t offer more than $720,000.”
“OK,” she says, “I’ll see you later. I love you.”
“Bye, I love you too.” says Sidney and then hangs up.
The other men in the locker room who heard all of this conversation are looking at Sidney in astonishment.
Then Sidney shouts out aloud, “Does anyone know who this mobile phone belongs to?”

My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They have two daughters, with a son on the way. The wife has been taking the daughters to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the older daughter whispers in her mother’s ear, “Can we go home now?”
“Not yet”, replies her mother, “the Mass is only half over.”
“We can go now, Mommy. I’m half-Jewish.”

Freda and Ethel, both in their eighties, are sitting on a bench outside Edgware town hall where they had just visited the annual flower show. Freda turns to Ethel and says, “Don’t you agree that life is getting more and more boring? We don’t seem to be able to have the fun we used to.”
“I agree with you there,” says Ethel.
“Do you know,” continues Freda, “I’d love to take off all my clothes and run naked through the flower show. That would liven things up.”
“I bet you $5 you wouldn’t dare,” says Ethel.
“Youre on!” says Freda and 2 minutes later, completely naked, she ‘streaks’ through the front door of the flower show.
As Ethel waits outside, she hears a commotion going on inside the town hall. Then Freda, still naked, runs back out, followed by a smiling, cheering crowd.
“What happened, Freda?” asks Ethel.
“I just won 1st prize for Best Dried Arrangement.”

Hetty and Hannah hadn’t seen each other for some time when they bumped into each other in Brent Cross shopping centre.
“So Hetty, how is your grandson, the proctologist, doing?”
“My grandson is no longer a proctologist, Hannah. He decided to become a dentist instead.”
“A dentist! Why the change in career?”
“Business is business, Hannah,” replied Hetty, “Let’s face it, everyone starts off with thirty-two teeth but have you ever heard of anybody who has more than one tuchas?”

© 2015