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On the 8th day of Haunaka my true love gave to me:
8 kvetching yentas,
7 kosher pickles,
6 stars of david
5 gefilte fish
4 bowls of chicken soup
3 briskets
2 matzah balls
and one Jewish mother in law

**sung to “The 12 Days of Christmas”

Jewish Chronicle advertisement


To which 5,000 replies were received “You can have mine.”

One summer, Abe Cohen went swimming in the sea at Margate and almost drowned. Luckily, when he cried out for help, some swimmers came to his aid. As he was helped out of the water, he took a solemn oath:
“I swear I shall never to go into the water again until I learn how to swim!”

And Adam said, “Oh Lord, you do not visit me anymore in the garden. I am lonely here and it’s getting hard for me to remember how much you love me.”
And God said, “OK, I will create you a companion who will be a reflection of my love for you and you will then know that I love you at all times. Regardless of how childish, selfish and unlovable you are, your companion will always accept and love you.”
And God created a new animal for Adam and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and wagged his tail.
And Adam said, “Oh Lord, I can’t think of a name for this new animal. All the good names in the animal kingdom have already been assigned.”
And God said, “OK, because I created this animal, his name will be a reflection of mine and you will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and was a good companion and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
Later, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Oh Lord, Adam now struts around like a peacock and believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught Adam humility.”
And the Lord said, “OK, I will create another companion for Adam who will see him as he is. And this companion will remind him of his limitations and he will soon know that he is not worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT. And Cat would not obey Adam. When Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.

1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish

2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one’s lines at one’s Bar or Bat mitzvah.

3. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

4. BUBBEGUM n. Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

5. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 400 AM so she can change the baby’s diaper.

6. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

7. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

8. KISHKA n. Smooching at a Bar Mitzvah and getting the telltale smell of Stuffed Derma.

9. MEINSTEIN slang. “My son, the genius.”

10. MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.

11 RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from New Jersey to Florida and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

12. ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock ‘n roll band from Brooklyn.

13. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

14. DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and
Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv’s son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

15. KINDERSCHLEP n. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

16. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one’s wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

17. OYVAYSMEAR What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.

18. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one’s way out of a tight spot.

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