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Rifka is out shopping in the West End of London one very hot and humid Sunday afternoon when suddenly a man faints at the junction between Oxford Street and Bond Street. Traffic quickly piles up in all directions.
Rifka sees the man collapse and rushes over to help him. But as she kneels down to loosen his collar, a man emerges from the crowd, pushes her aside and says, “Its all right, darling, Ive taken a course in first aid.”
Rifka stands up and watches as he takes the mans pulse and prepares to give artificial respiration. At this point Rifka taps him on the shoulder and says, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, Im already here.”

Melvyn goes to his girlfriend’s house for the first time. Sharon shows him into the living room and then excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he’s standing there alone, he notices a colourful little vase on the mantelpiece and picks it up. As he’s looking at it, Sharon walks back in.
Melvyn says, “What’s this?”
Sharon says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
Melvyn is suddenly lost for words. He says, “Jeez… oooh… .I… ”
Sharon then says, “Yes, he’s too lazy to get up off the couch and go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

Doctor Simon is known throughout London as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Hetty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.
15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face. A woman in the waiting room says to Hetty, “Its unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?”
“Miracle, shmiracle,” says Hetty, “he just gave me a longer walking stick.”

Bernie and Shlomo, both in their 80s, are taking their weekly ZFT (zimmer frame totter) in Hendon Park.
“So, Shlomo, how are you?” asks Bernie.
“Oy veh I’m getting worse and worse,” replies Shlomo. “All of a sudden, my memorys decided to play me tricks. I cant even remember whether it was you or my brother who died last month.”

Golda and Ruth were shmoozing at the beauty shop and Ruth commented, “I hear the girl your nephew Sheldon is marrying has Herpes”
Golda replied, “That’s what I heard too! I didn’t know what Herpes is, so I looked it up in the medical dictionary. Not to worry, It said it’s “a disease affecting the gentiles”!

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