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The Top Jewish Country & Western Songs

* Ever Since My Circumcision, My Babys Been Short With Me
* Four Thousand Years of Sufferin and I Had to Marry You
* Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights
* I Balanced Your Books, but Youre Breaking My Heart
* I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt (I Went and Cut Another Notch in My Belt)
* I Lost My Goil to a Mohel (And Now Im All Cut Up)
* I Was One of the Chosen People (Til She Chose Somebody Else)
* Im Dancin the Hora Alone
* Ive Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?
* Ive Starved and Ive Suffered and Ive Parted the Sea, Just to Find That Your Bush Wasnt Burnin For Me
* Mamas Dont Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Gentiles
* Mamas Dont Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweat Over for Years Which Apparently Doesnt Mean Anything Now That Youre Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)
* My Darlins a Schmendrick and Im All Verklempt
* My Rowdy Friend Elijahs Comin Over Tonight
* My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Aint Kosher
* New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament
* Stand by Your Mensch
* That Shiksa Done Made Off with My Heart Like a Goniff
* The Second Time She Said Shalom, I Knew She Meant Goodbye
* The Shiksas Gonna Hit the Fan
* This Bris! This Bris!! Unchoppable!
* Why Dont We Get Drunk? – Were Jews
* Youre the Lox My Bagels Been Missin
* Youve Been Talkin Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town
* Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes

A meshulach comes knocking on a very wealthy person’s door and when the owner of the house answers, the meshulach greets him, “Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein. I’m collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshivah, and I’m wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn’t want to make a little contribution.”
The homeowner replies, “The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish.”
“Are you sure?”, asks the Meshulach.
“Sir, I’m positive”, replies the homeowner.
“But”, says the meshulach, “It says here that you’re Jewish, and my records are never wrong.”
“I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish”, replies the homeowner, getting more impatient.
“Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be kidding me. Are you sure you aren’t Jewish?” demands the Meshulach.
“For the last time sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alav hashalom, wasn’t Jewish either!”

Did you hear about Rivkah who divorced her bagel maker husband and re-married a poet?
She went from batter to verse.

Rabbi Schulmann was crossing the street and got hit right in front of the cathedral. the priest thinking he was dead, started his last rites…
about the time Rabbi Schulmann came too, he had reached ” yet not 3 Gods but one, the son the father and holy ghost, yet not 3 but one… ”
Rabbi Schulmann broke in, ” enough already with the riddles, call an ambulance already… and take that ridiculous looking shirt off ..young man.”

“Who Needs Food?”
It’s breakfast time. Sadie asks her husband Moishe, “Would you like some scrambled eggs, perhaps a piece of toast and grapefruit and coffee to follow?”
Moishe replies, “No thanks, it’s this Viagra, it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunchtime, Sadie asks Moishe if he would like something to eat. “How about a bowl of your favourite home made vegetable soup, followed by a cheese and tomato sandwich on rye?” she inquires.
Moishe again declines. “It’s this Viagra, it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
Come dinnertime, Sadie asks Moishe if he wants anything to eat. She’ll go to the delicatessen and buy him some food. Would he like a nice juicy lamb chop with a tasty stir-fry followed by apple pie and cream?
Again, Moishe says, “No thanks, it’s this Viagra, it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
“Well,” Sadie says, “Would you mind getting off me and letting me up? I’m starving.”

© 2015