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“Hello Cyril,” says Fred, “I hear you know Hebrew?”
“Yes I do,” replies Cyril.
“I was wondering what the Hebrew for ‘he is?” says Fred.
“Hu,” says Cyril.
“No one in particular,” says Fred, “I just wanted to know what is he?”
“Hee is she,” says Cyril.
“Who?” says Fred.
“No, Hu is he,” says Cyril.
“I thought you said he is she?” says Fred.
“Yes, that’s correct,” says Cyril.
“What is correct?” says Fred.
“Hee is she,” says Cyril.
“I have no idea what you said. Who is she?” says Fred.
“No, Hu is he,” says Cyril.
“I don’t want to know who he is, now I want to know what she is in Hebrew?” says Fred.
“Hee,” says Cyril.
“He who?” says Fred.
Yes that’s correct, but Hee is she,” says Cyril.
“Who is she?” says Fred.
“No, Hu is he,” says Cyril.
“Why do you keep asking me who is he?” says Fred.
“I thought you were asking me what he is in Hebrew?” says Cyril.
“Me?” says Fred.
“That’s Hu,” says Cyril.
“Who is me?” says Fred.
“No, Hu is he, Mee is who,” says Cyril.
“I dont want to know who you are, I want to know who is he?” says Fred.
“That’s correct,” says Cyril.
“But I’ve no idea what I’m saying,” says Fred.
“But you say it so well,” says Cyril.
“Who me?” says Fred.
“Why are you asking me who he is?” says Cyril.
“No, I’m asking you what is he?” says Fred.
“Hee is she,” says Cyril.
“Who is she?” says Fred.
“No, Hu is he,” says Cyril.
“I’m very lost. Me is who? Who is he? He is she?” says Fred.
“Very good, you said that very well,” says Cyril.
“What did I say?” says Fred.
“Mee is who, Hu is he and Hee is she,” says Cyril.
“Well if you must know, you’re crazy. I dont know who he is and if she is a he, I’m sure I dont want to know her,” says Fred.

Joseph had just passed his driving test, so he asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, “Joseph, I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your school grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.”
After about a month Joseph came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Joseph, I’ve been real proud of you. You have raised your school grades, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!” Joseph waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair… .”
To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, and they walked every where they went!”

A Brooklynite tourist was strolling through Hong Kong when he spied a synagogue. He entered and, sure enough, he found a Chinese Rabbi and a Chinese congregation.
Even though he spoke no Chinese, he was touched by the service.
The rabbi stood by the door greeting his congregants, When the Brooklynite shook the rabbi’s hand, the rabbi asked, “You Jew?”
The man answered “Yes”
The rabbi replied, “Funny, you don’t look Jewish”!

80-year-old Rachel is very upset indeed when she calls the police on her mobile phone. She cries, “Help me please. I’m in Golders Green and my car’s been broken into. The thief has stolen the CD player, the steering wheel, the gearshift lever and the pedals. Oy vay, what will I do?”
The dispatcher says to her, “Stay calm, madam, I’ll ask a police officer to get to you as quickly as possible.”
Ten minutes later, the police control centre gets the following message from the police officer, “Please disregard the distress call. The lady got in the back-seat of her car by mistake.”

It was several weeks before Pesach. I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar that my wife instructed me to empty. She said, “Empty each and every bottle down the sink,” so I proceeded with the task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink, poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and put the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I’m not under the affluence of incohol, but thinke peep I am. I’m not half so thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

© 2015