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Hannah is talking to her husband Howard. As usual, she’s telling him all the latest gossip she’s heard about their family and about their friends and about their neighbours. And as usual, she goes on and on and on, non stop. Suddenly, Howard can’t take any more of this and shouts out, “Enough already Hannah. You’re killing me with all this gossip. I can clearly see what will be on my headstone when I’m buried.”
“So what do you see?” asks Hannah.
“Howard replies, “HERE LIES HOWARD LEVY, A GREAT LISTENER WHO WAS YENTA’D TO DEATH.”

As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 gates as quickly as possible. Surprisingly, one year Israel had Avrahom, the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and had great expectations for a Winter Olympics gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 58 seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 58.7 seconds, the German at 61.8 seconds, and the Italian at 61.1 seconds.
Then came the turn of Avrahom. The crowd waited, and waited… and then Avrahom crossed the line in… ..three minutes!
“What happened to you?” asked the team coach when Avrahom finally got back.
Avrahom replied, “Which one of those bastards fixed a mezuzah to each gate?”

Two Chinamen are leaving Blooms restaurant and one says to the other: “The problem with Jewish food is that two days later, you’re hungry again”

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned
to the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them
back to the
candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way “What

about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?” “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with
an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the
manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo
balls.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the
circumcisions you perform?” “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered
the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to
the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

One day, Jacob, a Russian Jew slipped on the wet riverbank and fell into the water. Unfortunately, Jacob could not swim and was in serious danger of drowning. Two Tsarist policemen heard cries for help and rushed over. But when they saw that it was a Jew, they laughed and just stood their watching him drown.
“Help, I can’t swim,” shouted Jacob.
“Then you will just have to drown,” they replied.
Suddenly Jacob shouts with his last breath: “Down with the Tsar!”
The policemen immediately rushed into the river, pulled Jacob out, and arrested him for trouble making.



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