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Issy and Hetty, a young orthodox married couple, were expecting their first baby. Unfortunately, Hetty’s water broke on Shabbos and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital’s maternity ward. Because Issy wanted to try and minimise the Shabbos violation, he told the controller that he must send them only a non-Jewish driver.
The taxi quickly arrived, but when Issy and Hetty were getting in, they overheard the controller on the two-way radio ask the driver, “Have you picked up the anti-semites yet?”

As the midwinter flight completes is descent into Tel Aviv, the flight crew announces, “Ladies and Gentelmen, we ask that you remain seated until the plane has come to a complete stop, and the pilot turns off the seatbelt sign.
And to those of you who are still seated, Merry Christmas.”

Q. What is the plural for yenta?
A. Hadassah

This man is kicking back in Mexico, its’s a beautiful day, and he’s having lunch in a nice little cafe. Relaxed, he starts to think about home, family and things Jewish. Realizing he hadn’t seen any synagogues since he had gotten off the plane, he decided to ask the waiter about it. So he calls him over and asks, “Do you have Mexican Jews here? The waiter is taken aback just a little and says, “I dont’t know, I’ll go and find out for you”. A couple minutes later he returns and says ” I’m very sorry sir, All we have is orange juz and tomato juz”.

Shlomo, driving a Yugo in Tel Aviv, pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce, rolls down his window, and smiles at the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. Have you got a phone in it? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”
David, the driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes, I have a phone.”
“Cool!” continues Shlomo. “Have you got a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”
David, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”
Shlomo goes on, “That’s great! Listen, have you got a TV in there? I got a one right next to me.”
David, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”
“Say,” persists Shlomo, “Have you got a bed in your car? I got one in the back of my Yugo!”
Upset that he hadn’t, David immediately drove off straight to his dealer and demanded that a bed be installed in the back of the car. The next morning David picked up his car, with a superb bed in it, a bed fit for a Rolls Royce…
David immediately went searching for the Yugo, and only late in the afternoon he found it parked, with all its windows fogged up from the inside.
He knocked on the Yugo, and finally Shlomo stuck his head out, soaking wet.
“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” David stated arrogantly.
“Jesus!” complained Shlomo, “You got me out of the shower to tell me this?”

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