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As Morris nears his 60th birthday, he decides to prepare his will and goes to see Patrick, his solicitor. They spend a couple of hours putting together the details. Just before Morris leaves, he says to Patrick, “I have two final requests to make. Firstly, I want to be cremated and secondly, I want my ashes scattered over Brent Cross shopping centre.”
“Why Brent Cross?” asks Patrick.
“Because then Ill be sure my wife will visit me twice a week,” replies Morris.

Peter, John and Shlomo were in the clubhouse talking about the amount of control they each have over their wives. Peter and John are doing all the talking whilst Shlomo remains silent.
After a while, Peter turns to Shlomo and says, “Well what about you, Shlomo, are Jewish men any different? What sort of control do you have over your wife?”
“Well, just the other night, my wife Hette came to me on her hands and knees.”
Peter and John were amazed! “What happened then?”
“Well,” replied Shlomo, “Hette then said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man.’”

Nathan meets his friend Harry in the Edgware Bagel Factory. “I hear that your mother-in-law has sold her house and moved in with you. Is this true Harry?”
“Yes it’s true,” replies Harry.
“And I also hear that she’s recently become quite ill,” says Nathan.
“Yes it’s true,” replies Harry.
“In fact, I hear that she’s so ill that she’s been taken into hospital,” says Nathan.
“Yes its true,” replies Harry.
“So how long has she been in hospital?” asks Nathan.
“In two days time, please God, it will be 2 weeks,” replies Harry.

Moshe from Edgware builds one of the most advanced talking robots ever invented. This robot can answer just about any question asked of it, whatever the subject. Moshe announces his achievement in the Jewish Chronicle and invites scientists to the launch at the Golders Green Theatre. When the guests arrive, there stood the robot with a sign around its neck: -

ASK ME ANY QUESTION AND I’LL GIVE YOU THE CORRECT ANSWER

For the first 30 minutes, dozens of questions are asked and the robot always gives the correct answer. Everyone is amazed. Then Hymie goes up to the robot and asks, “Where, at this very moment, is my father?”
The robot immediately replies, “Your father is at present lying on the beach in front of the Dan Hotel in Tel Aviv accompanied by a gorgeous woman.”
“Well you’re totally wrong,” says Hymie. “My father is Aaron Minkoffsky and just before I arrived, I spoke to him on the phone. He’s at home with my mother in Edgware.”
“Yes, it’s true that Aaron Minkoffsky is at home with your mother in Edgware,” says the robot, “but your father is at present lying on the beach in front of the Dan Hotel in Tel Aviv accompanied by a gorgeous woman.”

Joel and Sarah are soon getting married but are so ‘innocent’ that neither knows what to do on their wedding night. So they agree to see the wise Rabbi Levy for advice. After they explain their predicament, Rabbi Levy takes them up to his bedroom and says, “It’s easier to show you what to do than to explain. Sarah, could you please get undressed and lie down on my bed. I’ll then show you what to do.”
Sarah does what she’s told and Rabbi Levy then begins to show them, personally and in great detail, all the steps involved in making love on their first night. When he finishes, he gets off the bed and says to Joel, “Now take Sarah home and practice what I have just shown you.”
But Sarah interrupts. With her face all flushed, she says, “Wait a minute Rabbi, please show Joel again what to do… . he’s a little forgetful.”



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