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An Israeli and an Arab tank collide. The Arabs run out shouting: “I surrender, I surrender!” The Israelis run out shouting: “Whiplash, whiplash!”

Abe and Sarah have been married for over fifty years. Sarah is preparing dinner for the two of them, as she has hundreds of times before.
Sarah asks Abe whether he wants chicken soup or matzo soup for dinner. Abe replies, “I would like matzo soup tonight, thank you”. Sarah begins crying loudly. Abe, very concerned, asks Sarah why she is crying so much. Sarah, with tears rolling down her cheeks, replies in question, “don’t you like my chicken soup”.

A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning.
Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “shmuck”
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced: “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter.”

Benny from Haifa passed away and was sent ‘below’. He was amazed, however, to discover lush vegetation, running streams, waterfalls and beautiful lakes everywhere. Everyone seemed happy.
“You look surprised,” said a resident.
“Yes, I am,” replied Benny, “I expected hell to be very dry and exceedingly hot. Like a desert. But all I can see are trees full of all kinds of fruit, beautiful flowers, lots of vegetables, lush grass and water everywhere. This is not hell”
“Well,” said the resident, “it used to be like you thought, but then the Israelis started to arrive and they irrigated the hell out of the place!”

Issy had never been on a train in his life. One day, he decided that as it was a lovely sunny day, he would try a train ride. Off he went with his yarmulke on his head, a shtick of vusht under one arm and a blackbread & some herrings in a jar in the other. He sits down in a plush compartment and gets settled down to fress. Suddenly, a porter pops his head in and says. “Sir, you will have to leave this compartment. It’s reserved for the Archbishop of Canterbury.”
Issy replies “Vell, how do you know I’m not de Archbishop of Canterbury?”

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