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Abbe Caponovitch, a Jewish gangster, was dining at a kosher restaurant on New York’s Lower East Side, when members of the mob burst in and shot him full of lead. Abbe managed to stagger out of the restaurant and stumbled up the street to the block where his mother lived. Clutching his bleeding stomach, he then crawled up the stairs and banged on the door of his mother’s apartment, screaming, “Mama, Mama! Help me, Mama!”
His mother opened the door, eyed him up and down and said: “Bubbeleh, come in. First you eat, then you talk!”

Sadie takes her 16-year-old daughter to see Doctor Myers. The doctor says, “Okay, what’s the problem?”
Sadie says, “It’s my daughter, Sarah. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Sarah a good examination, then turns to Sadie and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Sarah is pregnant – about 4 months would be my guess.”
Sadie says, “Pregnant? She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Sarah?”
“No mother. I’ve never even kissed a man.”
Doctor Myers walked over to the window and just stared out of it. 5 minutes pass and finally Sadie says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
Doctor Myers replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I certainly don’t want to miss it.”

Sharon has reached the age of 18 and is regarded by many as, well, a stunner. One day, she goes to buy a new dress.
“Can I please try on that dress in the window?” she asks Benjamin, the boutique owner.
“Go ahead,” Benjamin replies with a shrug, “maybe it’ll attract some business.”

It’s nearly four o’clock in the morning and Sadie wakes up to see her husband pacing up and down the bedroom floor.
“Moishe, come back to bed, it’s not yet morning” she tells him.
Moishe replies, “I can’t go to sleep. You know the $10,000 I borrowed from our next door neighbour, Bernie. Well, it’s due to be repaid tomorrow and I don’t have the money. I just don’t know what I’m going to do.”
So Sadie gets out of bed and opens the bedroom window. “Bernie,” she shouts on top of her voice, “Bernie, Bernie.”
Finally a very tired looking Bernie opens his window and shouts, “You’re crazy, Sadie. Don’t you know it’s nearly 4 o’clock in the morning? What the hell do you want?”
Sadie shouts back, “Bernie, you know the $10,000 my husband owes you? Well, he doesn’t have it.”
Then she slams the window shut, turns to Moishe and says, now you can go to sleep and let Bernie pace the floor.”

Victor, Cyril and Abe met up in Brent Cross shopping centre for a chat and a coffee. Victor says, “Do you two know that last night I made love to mine Leah three times and this morning, as soon as I awoke, she told me how much she loved me.”
“Mazeltov,” says Cyril, “but last night I made love to mine Sarah four times and this morning, as soon as I awoke, she told me I must be the world’s greatest lover.”
Abe doesn’t say a word and just takes another sip of his coffee. So his two friends ask him how many times he had made love last night.
“Vell if you must know,” replies Abe, “I made love to mine Becky vonce.”
“Only once?” says Cyril, “And what did Becky say to you this morning?”
“She said, ‘Don’t stop!’”

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