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Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.
“Is there some place ahead where we can get food?”
“Vell, I tink so,” the old man said, “but I wouldn’t go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you’d run into a big bacon tree.”
“A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.
“Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn’t go dere.”
The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said. “So why did he say not to go there?” a person asked.
Other pioneers said, “Oh, you know those Jews- they lie just for a joke.”
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew.
Near dead, the man shouts, “You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killled everyone but me.”
The old man holds up his hand and says, “Vait a minute.” He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it.
“Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn’t a bacon tree…
“It vuz a ham bush.”

Mrs Goldstein was playing a round of golf on a hot afternoon when she hit the ball right into the rough. She went to fetch it and where the ball had landed she found a frog in a trap.
“Please help me” the frog exclaimed, “If you let me out I’ll grant you three wishes!”
Without wasting any time Mrs Goldstein releases the frog and waits for him to speak again.
“What I failed to tell you”, the frog said, “is that whatever YOU wish for, Mr Goldstein will get 10 times better or more”
Mrs Goldstein is happy anyway and goes ahead with her first wish.
“I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world!” she demanded
“You do realise”, said the frog, “that Mr Goldstein will become the most handsome man in the world and all women will flock to him.”
However, Mrs Goldstein believes that if she is the most beautiful woman in the world, then he will only have eyes for her.
Next come her second wish:
“I wish I was the richest woman in the world!”
And so the frog tld her that Mr Goldstein will be 10 times richer than her. However Mrs Goldstein knew that as his wife whatever money belongs to him also belongs to her.
“And finally,” the frog said, “you’re last wish Mrs Goldstein?”
“I would like a mild heart attck!”

Someone, somewhere said these

* Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I cant even get into my own pants.
* Marriage changes passion. Suddenly youre in bed with a relative.
* I saw a woman wearing a T-shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.
* I dont do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
* I live in my own little world. But its OK, they know me here.
* If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
* I love being married. Its great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
* I’m a nobody and nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
* Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days Ive stayed alive.
* Isnt having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
* Why is it that most nudists are people you dont want to see naked?
* Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

It’s 3am in the morning in Golders Green and Maurice and Golda are woken up by a loud banging on their front door. Maurice gets up and opens the door to a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain.
“Can I have a push?” says the drunk.
“No you can’t,” says Maurice, “it’s three o’clock in the morning. Please go away, you’ll wake the children.”
Maurice shuts the door and goes back to bed.
“Who was that?” asks Golda.
“Just some drunk, dear, asking for a push,” Maurice replies.
“So did you help him?” Golda asks.
“No I didn’t. It’s 3am and it’s pouring with rain,” replies Maurice.
Golda says, “Shame on you, Maurice. Have you already forgotten when our car broke down about six months ago in Bournemouth and those two men helped us? I think you should help the man outside.”
So Maurice reluctantly does as he is told. He gets dressed, goes out into the pouring rain and calls out, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” Maurice shouts.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“So where are you?” asks Maurice.
“Over here on the swing,” replies the drunk.

Rabbi Landau has always been secretly sad that he’s never been able to eat pork. So one day, he flies to a remote tropical Island and books into a hotel. “No one will find me here,” he said to himself. On the first evening, he goes to the best restaurant and orders the ‘roast pork special’. While he’s waiting, he hears someone call his name. Rabbi Landau looks up and sees one of his congregants walking towards his table. What unbelievably bad luck – the same time to visit the same restaurant on the same island!
Just at that moment, the waiter puts on his table a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth and says, “Your special, sir.” Rabbi Landau looks up sheepishly at his congregant and says, “Would you believe it – you order an apple in this restaurant and look how they serve it!”



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