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Three Jewish men arrive in New York from Europe, and decide to meet again in 20 years to see how they all made out in America.

20 years pass…

The first man asks the second, “So, nu? How’d you do?” He replies: Vell, you know… ven I came to this country I had no idea vhat to do with myself to make a livink. So I looked at my last name. Goldstein. So I vent into the gold business. And oy, did I make a FORTUNE!”
He turns to the next man and asks, “So nu, how ’bout you?”
He says “Vell, like you I had no idea vhat I vas going to do in this vast country to make a livink, so I too, looked to my last name. Silverberg. So I vent into silver. And oy, did I make a fortune!”
So they both turn to the last man and say, “And you? Vat happened to you?”
So the third man said, “Vell, I too had no idea how I vas to make a living here in America, so I looked at my last name. Taylor. I said, das no good. I never make money as a tailor.
So I went to shul and prayed. I said “God, if you make me a wealthy man, I promise to make You my partner.”
So the first man said, “So, vat happened?” The man replied, “Vas the matter? You never heard of Lord and Taylor?”

Lionel was a ventriloquist, and not a good one at that. In fact business was so bad that he was trying his luck as a medium. One day, a widow came into his office and said that she wanted to contact her dear departed husband and asked Lionel what he charged.
“If you only want to hear him speak,” said Lionel, “I charge $30. If you want to have a conversation with him, I charge $50. But I charge $70 if you want a conversation with him while I’m drinking a glass of water.”

After a judge signs the final divorce papoers of a Jewish couple, the woman says, “Thank you, Your Honor, now I have to arrange for a GET” The judge asks, “What’s a Get” The woman explains, ” A GET is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.” The Judge asks, “A religious ceremony like a bris?” “Yes, she replies, “very similar only in this case you get rid of the whole schmuck!”

Two Jews who work for Chevra Kadisha preparing bodies for burial receive a new corpse.
One of them opens his eyes wide and pointing to the mans penis exclaims in amazement
“Nu Yossle, have you ever seen something like this?”
To which Yossl replies,
“Abraham my friend, mine is exactly the same.”
Abraham, greatly surprised, inquires,
“So large?”
Yossl replies, “No, so dead!!!!!”

A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, “Father, you’re a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn’t charge you anything, it’s on the house.” The priest is most grateful and says, “Thank you, my son” and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for a shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, “You don’t have to give me any money, you’re a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I just couldn’t charge you anything, it’s on the house.” The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 rubies on his doorstep.
The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a haircut and a beard trim. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, “No, Rabbi, I couldn’t ask you to pay anything, it’s on the house, you are a learned and wise man, go in peace.” The Rabbi blesses him and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.



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