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If Elian Gonzales Were Jewish
Published: 10 months ago     submited by
Related: Jewish (+6994)     

A six-year old boy was found floating in the Atlantic Ocean today after being set adrift from Israel on a giant matzoh. (Matzoh: Passover cracker, i.e., unleavened bread).

The boy, Eliat Ginsburg, and his mother, set out from Israel in an attempt to reach the Jewish Homeland, Miami. They started out in a small boat, the S.S. Shanapunim, (Shanapunim: “pretty face”) which capsized when the American captain forgot that ocean waves near Israel go from right to left. (Note: ALL Hebrew is written and read from right to left).

Eliat’s heroic mother quickly pieced together the matzoh-raft and put him on it, then drowned under the weight of her gold jewelry. Her last words to her son were reported to be “Don’t marry a Shiksa.” (Shiksa: “gentile girl”..considered very bad form “She’ll eat your HEART out. (glug) (glug).”

Eliat was soon picked up by a passing Gefilte (“gefilte fish are delicious fish-balls eaten with horseradish that makes your nose run, or: “Jewish Dristan” as it is commonly referred to) fishing boat, and taken to Miami, after a quick nosh, (Nosh: a snack) a nice
piece cake, whatever.

There, he was turned over to the custody of his closest relatives, his great uncle, L’Chaim Ginsburg, and his 21-year old female cousin, M’shugena (M’shugena: CRAZY!!!) Ginsburg. He moved into their
home in a Retirement Community on a golf course.

Shortly thereafter, his father, Jacob Moses Ginsburg, who was still in Israel, was notified. He almost plotzed, (“plotzed: collapsed) and was taken to the Plotz Unit of a nearby hospital, where he was given a
chicken soup capsule and released. He then demanded to come to the U.S. to bring his son back.

Since it was Friday night, he walked to Miami. (Note: religious Jews do NOT ride on the Sabbath…); However, Eliat’s Miami relatives opposed the way he was being raised in Israel. They claimed that in
Israel, he had no freedom, no rights, no tennis lessons. Neighbors gathered around the Miami relatives’ house to prevent the authorities from taking him away.

They held up signs that read “Stay away! Every one of our sons are lawyers and they’re single, too, if you happen to know a nice Jewish girl.”

Meanwhile, they plied the boy with gifts to show him how wonderful it was in America. He was given a Video game which was promptly taken away because it could take an eye out.

He was then given a dreydl (Dreydl: Spinning top given to children for Chanukah) and played “Find the Afikomen” (Afikomen: a slab of matzos that is wrapped in a white napkin, then hidden; the children are turned loose (like insane cattle]…and the child who finds the hidden treasure, is rewarded with a 3-day all-expense paid cruise to nowhere) with his little cousins.

When the father arrived in Miami, he was greeted by federal officials who warned him not to go to the Miami house, because it was dangerous. He responded, “What danger? There’s no danger in Miami!” The Jewish media pounced on this story with all it’s power. Headlines read “LITTLE BOY PLAYS OUTSIDE WITHOUT A SWEATER.” Talk shows posed
questions like: “What’s more important, parenthood or politics?” and “What if an American boy was held in Israel?” and “Where can you get a nice sandwich in Miami?” and “Guess how much I paid for this?” It was ugly.

The boy’s cousin, M’Shugena, became his
primary caretaker, because she had no job, no kids, no husband and no skills. The situation took a toll on her. Neiman Marcus and Loehmans’s called to see why she hadn’t been in. Unbeknownst to her, the federal government was planning a secret rescue operation, known as “Operation Circumcise” to remove the boy from the house and cut him off from his family.

Just then, it happened. To get into the area unnoticed, they arrived in a van cleverly disguised to look like a Chinese food delivery truck, and stormed the house. Neighbors came running like a “vantz” (vantz: bed-bugs) when they heard the code word “traife” (traife: meaning “NOT Kosher”). Hundreds
of neighbors poured into the house in an attempt to prevent the boy from being taken, but they were slowed down by their need to kiss the mezuzah (“Mezuzah” is a small engraved holy scroll nailed to the doorway of every good Jewish home; the Orthodox kiss the scroll each time they enter or exit) each time they entered.

But a trap was set for the agents. To slow them down, M’Shugena had poured slippery chicken fat all over the floor. But the neighbors, armed only with menorahs (Menorahs: the holy 8-candelabra that are lit on
Chanukah:one candle is lit for each of the 8 days), were no match for the agents and their weapons.

The boy was taken to the waiting van, which would speed off to re-unite him with his waiting father, after making a few more deliveries.

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