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Judith got back from a holiday skiing trip with this story: –
Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. But I was in distress and told my husband Phil that I was in dire need of a rest room. He told me not to worry because he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers. But he was wrong, of course, and my pain did not go away.
Those in the know understand that a temperature of 12 below doesnt help matters. With time running out, I was weighing my options when Phil at last picked up on the intensity of my pain and suggested that since I was wearing an all-white ski outfit, I should go off into the woods. He assured me that the white would provide more than adequate camouflage and no-one would notice. So I headed for the trees, began lowering my ski pants and proceeded to ‘do my thing’.
If youve ever stopped on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you dont move. Yup, you got it!!! I had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during the most embarrassing moments. Suddenly, I started skiing backwards, out-of-control, racing through the trees (somehow missing all of them) and onto another slope. My toches and the reverse side were still bare, my pants were down around my knees and I was picking up speed. I continued skiing backwards, totally out-of-control, no doubt creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. I skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon, breaking my arm and leaving me unable to pull up my ski pants. After 10 minutes of intense embarrassment, Phil arrived and put an end to my nudie show. He then summoned the ski patrol who transported me to a hospital.
While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to mine. “So, how did you break your leg?” I asked, making small talk.
“It was the stupidest thing you ever saw,” he replied. “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldnt believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift. So, howd you break your arm?”

An American Jew was shopping on Regent Street in London. He entered a posh gourmet food store. A sales representative, in a long morning coat
with tie and tails, approached.

“May I be of help to you, sir?”
“Yes. I’d like a pound of lox.”
“Sorry, sir – do you mean smoked salmon?”
“Okay, a pound of smoked salmon.”
“Anything else, sir?”
“Yes, a dozen blintzes.”
“I believe you mean crepes, sir.”
“Okay, a dozen crepes.”
“Anything else, sir?”
“Yes. A pound of chopped liver.”
“You are probably referring to pate, sir.”
“Okay, a pound of pate – and could you deliver all this on Saturday?”
“Sorry, sir – we don’t schlep that chazzerai on Shabbos.”

It was during the cold war. The fate of the Western world hung in the balance. A secret agent had to find a spy named Epstein in New York and give him a secret code.
So, the agent entered the lobby of the apartment building on the lower east side of Manhattan where he lived and browsed the directory. He noticed there were 2 Epsteins listed; one on the 1st floor, the other on the 2nd.
He knocks on the door of the Epstein on the first floor. When Epstein opens the door, the agent tells him, “The sky above, the mud below”.
Mr. Epstein replies, “Oh! You want Epstein the spy. Second floor”.

Howard is one of the laziest men around and refuses to look for a job. One day, as he is lying flat out on the couch, his wife Becky says to him, “Im so ashamed of the way we live, Howard.”
“What do you mean by that?” Howard asks.
“Surely I don’t have to remind you,” she replies, “that we are so poor, my mother buys our kosher food, my father pays our mortgage and your sister buys our clothes. Why, even your aunt has just bought us a car. Aren’t you just a little bit ashamed?”
Howard sits up on the couch and replies, “You should be ashamed too. Benjy and Jacob, your two worthless brothers, have never given us a penny.”

It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
“What are my choices?” Moishe asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.

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