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Yentl, a good woman, knew her son was having an affair with a ditzy shikse who was his roommate, but her son, Morris, refused to confess. She devised a plan. A week later, she got a letter from Morris:

Dear Mama,
I am not sleeping with that WASP and I know you stole the ladle. Where is it?

She wrote back:

Dear Morris,
If that shikse was sleeping where she was supposed to, she would have found it already.
Your Mama

Morris works in a local Care Home looking after the elderly. He’s very good at his job. For example, during the admission procedures he always asks new arrivals if they’re allergic to anything and if they are, he prints it on an allergy band which he places on their wrist.
One day, he asks a new arrival, “OK, Becky, I have just one more thing to ask you. Are you allergic to anything?”
“Yes I am,” replies Becky. “I’m allergic to bananas.”
Later that morning, Becky’s son comes storming angrily into the office and shouts, “OK, whos responsible for labelling my mother bananas?”

One day, Chaim was walking down the street when who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? Moishe. Moishe pulled up to him with a wide

“Moishe, where did you get that car?” Chaim asked.
“Rochel gave it to me.”
“She gave it to you? I knew she was sweet on you, but this?”
“Well, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on county road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Rochel pulled off the road into the woods. She parked, got out of the car, threw off all her clothes and said, ‘Moishe take whatever you want.’ So I took the car.”

“Moishe, you’re a smart man, them clothes never would have fit you.”

Hyman is dying and his wife Faye is at his bedside in hospital. She’s holding his fragile hand and with tears running down her face starts to pray. But her praying awakens Hyman. He looks up at her and with pale lips hardly moving whispers, “Is that you, Faye?”
“Yes, darling, it’s me,” she replies, “but dont talk. You need to rest.”
But Hyman wants to get something off his chest. “Faye,” he whispers, “I have a confession to make.”
“It’s OK, darling,” she weeps, “theres nothing to confess, really. Everythings fine. Now go to sleep.”
“No, Faye, I must die in peace. I slept with your sister and I slept with your best friend. There, I’ve got it off my chest.”
“I know, darling,” says Faye, “now be quiet and let the poison work.”

Mary is woken from her sleep. There’s a bat in her room, which must have got in through the open window. The bat swoops around the room and Mary watches in horror as it transforms itself into… . a vampire.
“Oh my God,” she says, as she grips her pillow tightly.
As the vampire slowly approaches her, Mary remembers the cross around her neck. She grabs it, points it towards the vampire and with a trembling cry says, “You cant come any closer. Look, I have a cross.”
The vampire looks Mary in the eye and says, “Lady, Es vet dir gornisht helfen! (it won’t help you)”

© 2015