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Yossel the Hassid is in London on business. It’s now one hour to shabbes and he’s all dressed up in his special shabbes clothes ready to go to a local shul. He takes the lift to the ground floor and walks towards the exit. As he reaches the reception area, he sees a stunning British Airways air hostess with blond hair and a face and figure he could die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel, she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him.
“Hello,” she says to him.
“Hello to you too,” he says.
“I have a confession to make,” she says.
“What is it?” he asks.
“I have a sexual fantasy,” she says.
“Nu, so go on,” he says.
“I’ve always wanted to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis and my fingers through his beard, play with his peyess, eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play with his shlong and then shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say?”
Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says, “And whats in it for me?”

Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, “Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!”
To which David replies, “Of course he does, you tell him everything.”

Solly, an orthodox Jew, goes to a job interview with a gentile employer.
In the course of the interview, which was going well, the employer asks Solly what kind of salary he is looking for.
Thinking of his large family and the many bills that have to be paid, Solly quickly replies that he’d needs around £50k per annum.
The employer replies that in today’s market and with Solly’s limited skill set, he is only prepared to pay £40k per annum.
Upon hearing this, Solly tells him “… listen even though I am an orthodox Jew and keep kosher, I still have to bring home the bacon!!”

Morris was talking to his friend Sydney. “Do you know,” he said, “some mornings I wake up grouchy… and some mornings I just let her sleep.”

According to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5766. According to the
Chinese calendar, the year is 4702. This means that the Jews went without Chinese food for 1,064 years. This period was known as the Dark Ages.

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