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On his wedding day, Shlomo’s father-in-law Louis came up to him and said, “I’m a wealthy man, as you know, and for your wedding present I’ve decided to make you a partner in my business. All I need to know from you now is what department you would like to start work in. What about Accounts?”
“Me, in Accounts?” said Shlomo, “why I can’t even add 2 figures together.”
“All right then, what about IT?”
“What do I know about IT?” said Shlomo, “for years I thought PC stood for police constable.”
Louis was confused. OK, what about joining the sales team?”
“Look dad, I have a much better idea. How about you buying me out?”

A mother was telling a freind about her kids…
my doughter married such a nice boy,
he lets her stay in bed all day, she doesn’t get up untill late she eats breakfast in bed dosn’t do any housewrk, oh, what a life…

but my son…
oh my god did he mary a bitch!
she stays in bed all day, she doesn’t get up untill late she eats breakfast in bed dosn’t do any housewrk
is that a wife?

Faye and Monty have been married for over 30 years when all of a sudden they decide to separate. It shocks friends and family alike.
Monty decides to become more ‘orthodox’ and starts to spend much time in the synagogue with Rabbi Bloom. Then, two years after they split, Monty and Faye decide to get back together.
Monty now wants Faye to join him in becoming more orthodox and asks that she does out the kitchen and make it ‘glatt kosher’. But Faye is not at all interested. Monty is very upset with her attitude and goes to see Rabbi Bloom.
“Rabbi,” he asks, “what can I do? How can I get Faye to become more orthodox? For example, how can I get her to run a kosher kitchen?”
Rabbi Bloom strokes his beard and nods sympathetically. “Tell me, Monty, how many Jewish commandments are there in existence?”
Monty has recently learned this and quickly gives the correct answer, “613.”
Rabbi Bloom replies, “so why don’t you start with ones that dont annoy her?”

A Rabbi visiting Rome had the good fortune to have an audience with the Pope. While talking about things, the Rabbi noticed a red phone on the Pope’s desk.
The Rabbi asks what the phone was for. The Pope informs him that it’s a direct line to G-d.
The Rabbi askes if he can use it and the pope says of course but that he should leave $100 for the call. The Rabbi thank him and uses the phone.
A few months later, the Pope was visiting the US and makes sure to make a stop to visit his new Rabbi friend. While talking, the Pope notices a red phone on the Rabbi’s desk.
The Pope asks if the phone is what he thinks it is and the Rabbi says of course. The Pope askes if he can use the phone and the Rabbi said that he may bt that he needed to leave $0.50 for the call.
The Pope was surpised and asked, “You use my phone and I ask you to leave $100 and, yet, when I use your phone I am to leave only $0.50. Why is that?”
The Rabbi smiled and replied, “Because here it is a local call.”

The Israeli police are looking for a man who calls himself Joseph. He’s wanted for looting offences in Haifa. The suspect is described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He’s a former flutist and works occasionally on a farm.
In short, he’s “A Haifa-lootin, flutin Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe.”

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