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Moisha and Esther Rabinowitz move into a highly Orthodox community in Monsey, and want to join a local shul. They seem appropriate for the community, and the Rabbi comes to their house to make certain that everything in the house
meets requirements.
All of the mezuzahs are in place and have been certified. Good.
The kitchen has two stoves, two refrigerators, two dishwashers, two prep areas, two sinks, but has five sets of dishes and five sets of flatware.
The Rabbi says, “Four I can understand, Pesach meat and dairy, Non-Pesach meat and dairy. So, what do you need the fifth set for?”
Esher answers, “For Traif.”

Moshe and his friend Issy were half way through a round of golf when a golf ball arrives out of nowhere and strikes Moshe on the back of his head. “Gevalt.” Moshe cries out, rubbing the back of his head.
Almost immediately, Hymie arrives to apologise. But Moshe is having none of it.
“You call yourself a golfer?” yells Moshe. “If I had my way, I’d ban you from every North London golf club. Do you see what you’ve done to me? My head is bleeding. I’m going to call my solicitor as soon as I get to the clubhouse. I’ll sue you for $5,000.”
“But… but,” says Hymie, “didn’t you hear me? I shouted FORE.”
“OK,” says Moshe, “I’ll take it.”

After months of negotiation, Avraham, a Jewish scholar from Odessa, was granted permission to visit Moscow.
He boarded the train and sat down. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. Avraham looked at the young man and thought,

This fellow doesn’t look like a peasant, and if he isn’t a peasant he probably comes from this area. If he comes from this area, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish area. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?
I’m the only one from our area to be allowed to travel to Moscow.
Wait – just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don’t need special permission to go there.
But why would he be going to Samvet? He’s probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two – the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.
But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he’s their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?
Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah’s husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I’m not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What’s the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status.
What could it be? A doctorate from the University.

At this point Avraham turns to the young man and said, “How do you do, Dr Kovacs?”
“Very well, thank you, sir” answered the startled passenger. “But how is it that you know my name?”
“Oh,” replied Avraham, “it was obvious”.

Quasimodo Levy – 1
Quasimodo Levy had finally decided to retire and the Abbott placed an advert in the Church gazette for a new bell ringer. One day a man with no arms came to the church to apply for the bell ringer’s position. The Abbott, being an equal opportunity employer, said he would consider the armless man for the position if he could prove he could do the job. The armless man was led to the bell tower and when Quasimodo Levy asked him to do his stuff, the man got a running start and charged face-first into the bell. A beautiful melodious tone sang through the valley. So beautiful that all the townspeople came out of their houses crying, “who rang that bell – such a sound – hire him, hire him!”
Quasimodo Levy promptly asked him to ring the bell again. The man again took a running start but unfortunately slipped and plunged over the parapet to his death.
The townspeople were aghast and one called out, “who was that man?”
Quasimodo Levy replied, “I don’t know but his face rings a bell.”

Quasimodo Levy – 2
Unfortunately, this still left the church without a bell ringer. So the Abbott re-advertised the job. Another armless man showed up to apply for the position, claiming he was the dead man’s brother and, having learned all he knew about bell ringing from his brother, declared that it was only right that he take over the bell ringer’s position and succeed where his brother could not (due to his untimely death, naturally). The Abbott gave the brother the same chance to prove his ability. The brother charged at the bell smacking it with his face and eliciting a lovely mellow tone which was heard all throughout the valley. The townspeople came running into the square calling out “who rang that bell? Such tone, such vibrato – hire him, hire him!!”
Noting that it was nearing 3pm and time to ring the bell for real, Quasimodo Levy instructed the man to do the same. The man backed up to start his run and misjudged how close he was to the edge of the bell tower. He stepped backward and fell to his death.
The Abbott turned to Quasimodo Levy and asked, “who was that man?”
Replied Quasimodo Levy, “I don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

Kitty and Anna, two elderly ladies, are having a bite to eat in Brent Cross shopping centre one day when Anna notices something odd and takes a long hard look at Kitty’s right ear. “Kitty,” she says, “do you know that youve got a suppository sticking out of your right ear?”
“You say I have a suppository in my ear?” replies Kitty, “so let me see already.”
Kitty pulls it out, stares at it for a while, then says, “Anna, Im so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

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