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It’s shabbes and Yitzhak and his young son Aaron are on their way to shul. Yitzhak is watching Aaron pick his nose. “Why are you breaking the commandment ‘thou shall not work on shabbes’, Aaron?” asks Yitzhak.
“I’m not, dad,” says Aaron, “what work do you think I’m doing?”
“Digging,” replies Yitzhak.

Kosher celebration cards that had to be withdrawn from sale

* Congratulations on your wedding day – Sorry to hear that no one likes your wife
* Congratulations on your new bundle of joy – It’s surprising that 2 beautiful people like you can have such an ugly baby
* I’ve always wanted someone to love – But after meeting you, I’ve changed my mind
* You brought religion into my life – I never believed in hell until I met you
* Looking back over the years we’ve been together – I can’t help but wonder – What the hell was I thinking?
* As the days pass by – I think how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me
* If I get only one thing for Chanukah – I hope it’s your sister
* As you grow older Mummy – I think of all the gifts you’ve given me – like the need for therapy
* Congratulations on your promotion – Before you go, take your knife out of my back – you’ll need it again
* One day I hope to get married – But not to you
* Sorry things didn’t work out between us – I can’t handle men with bigger breasts than mine
* Happy Birthday. You look great for your age – Almost lifelike
* You always said you’d die for me. So now we’ve broken up – I think it’s time for you to keep your promise
* We’ve been friends for a long time – What say we call it quits?
* I’m so miserable without you – It’s almost like you’re here with me
* Congratulations on your new bundle of joy – Did you ever find out who the father was?
* You’re a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship with only one life jacket – I’d miss you heaps and think of you often
* Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday – So we’re having you put to sleep

Doctor Jacobs finished his examination and informed Herman that he was in perfect health. “But what about my headaches?” Herman moaned.
“I’m not at all worried about your headaches,” Dr. Jacobs replied.
“If you had my headaches, doctor, I wouldn’t worry about them either,” said Herman.

One day, Moshe is walking past the wooden fence at the side of the local Mental Care Home for Jewish People when he hears the residents inside chanting, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!”
Moshe is quite a curious kind of man and wonders, “Is there a barmitzvah or batmitzvah going on inside?” So he searches for a suitable hole in the fence and then he looks in. Immediately, someone inside the fence pokes him in the eye with their finger.
Then the chanting begins again, “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”

Two old Jewish men are pushing their trollies around the supermarket when they collide.
The first guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The second old guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The first old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The second old guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts.
What does your wife look like?”
The first old guy says, “Doesn’t matter – - let’s look for yours…!



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