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On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 3 pounds of corned beef 2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
8 Alka- Seltzer
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

PS: For the Israeli version, substitute:
1 Falafel ball, 2 spoons of Hummos, 3 liters of Tehina, 4 plates of salads, 5 glasses of eshkoliot(grapefruit juice), 6 bags of pita, 7 mouthfuls of ful and 8 grapes

As Moses is leading the tribes out of Egypt, they come to the Red Sea and they need to be able to cross it to get to the Promised Land on the other side. Moses lifts up his staff and prays to God. The Red Sea immediately parts, leaving enough space for all of them to cross.
Moses goes over to the first tribe and says, “Please cross now.”
But their leader replies, “No, we don’t want to cross.”
“Be reasonable,” says Moses, “I’ve just performed the miracle of the parting of the Red Sea. You must cross.”
“Why must we cross?” asks the leader.
“Because over there, on the other side,” replies Moses, “we’ll find a land overflowing with milk and honey. In any case, you must cross because I’ve just paid for a full page in the Bible.”

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurance in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
“I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about both the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”
“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”

A young conservative Jew left his office during Passover to have lunch in the park. He sat down on a bench beneath a tree and removed several pieces of matzoh, as well as several plastic containers filled with charoset, and various fishes in spread form. As he was eating, a blind man walked along and sat down on the bench next to him.
In the spirit of the holiday, the young Jew turned to the blind man and asked, “Would you like to share my lunch with me?”
The blind man replied, “That’s very kind of you. I would be honored.”
Gently, the young Jew took the blind man’s hands and placed a piece of matzoh. A few moments later, he asked the blind man, “So… how does it taste?”
The blind man paused a moment then said, “Taste?! I’m still trying to figure out what it says!”

Sidney was never known to help out with any of the household chores, but after a serious argument with his wife Hannah on this subject, he agrees to try to get more involved. The next day, Hannah is shocked – Sidney has decided to wash his favourite sweatshirt!
She watches him put his sweatshirt into the washing machine and then just stand there with a puzzled look on his face. After a few minutes, he turns to Hannah and says, “OK, I give in. So what setting do I use for washing a red, long sleeved, 90% cotton, 10% polyester sweatshirt?”
“It all depends,” replies Hannah. “What does it say on your sweatshirt?”
“Yeshiva University,” he replies.



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