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Q: What is Jewish Alzheimer’s Disease?
A: It’s when you forget everything but the guilt.

Abe had done very well in business and had amassed a small fortune. Now he was looking to create the most unique and spectacular barmitzvah ever for his son David. But what should it be? He dismissed the Barmitzvah Safari – too many families had already done it. But then, after much investigation, Abe was sure he had cracked it – he would rent a spaceship and David would be the first barmitzvah space boy. He started on the plans immediately.
In due course, the spaceship took off with his family and friends (and his Rabbi, of course) on board. When they returned, the media was there to find out how the journey had gone.
The first person off the shuttle was the bubbeh.
“How was the service, grandma?” asked the Jewish Chronicle reporter.
“OK,” she replied.
“And how was David’s speech?”
“OK.”
“So how was the food?”
“OK.”
“Everything was just OK? Why aren’t you more enthusiastic? What went wrong?”
“There was no atmosphere.”

Ruth is Naomi’s only child. Unfortunately Ruth is a rather plain girl and as a result is still single at 30 – she doesn’t even have a boyfriend. So naturally, Naomi is getting worried and sees her chance of becoming a bubbeh fading fast. So one day Naomi decides to have a heart-to-heart talk with Ruth.
“Darling,” she says, “I’m your mother and I love you, so please don’t get angry with me when you hear what I have to say. I’m getting worried about you because you won’t find a nice man by staying at home, night after night, doing nothing but looking sad and watching TV. Believe me, darling, the best thing to do is to advertise yourself in the Jewish Dating Times.”
“Oh mum,” says Ruth, embarrassed, “I just couldn’t do that.”
“But you could, darling,” says Naomi. “You don’t give your name, you just put in a box number where suitors send their details about themselves. And we won’t tell a soul we’re doing it, not even your dad.”
After ten further minutes of serious discussion, Naomi gets her way and next day they place the following advert in the paper

CHARMING JEWISH GIRL WITH GSOH, SLIM BUT SHAPELY, POLITE, EXCELLENT EDUCATION, COOKS GREAT MEALS, LOOKING TO MEET KIND, EDUCATED, INTELLIGENT JEWISH MAN WITH VIEW TO MARRIAGE.
WRITE TO BOX 13

Then the waiting starts. One week later, a reply drops through the letter box. Ruth picks it up and shouts, “Mum, I’ve got a reply.”
Ruth opens the letter, starts to read then suddenly gasps and bursts out crying.
“What’s the matter, darling?” asks Naomi.
“It’s from dad,” replies Ruth.

A Martian runs into some turbulence over Earth and makes a rough landing in Golders Green. After he pulls himself out of his space ship and dusts himself off, he sees that one of his wheels is broken. Not far away are some shops, so he starts to walk towards them to see if he can find a replacement.
By good luck, he comes across a store with a sign showing a wheel, and a bunch of wheels in the window. He enters the store, gets the attention of Moishe behind the counter, and says, “Excuse me, I’d like to buy a wheel.”
“Wheel?” says Moishe. “We don’t have wheels here.”
“Then what are those things in the window?”
“Oh, those aren’t wheels. They’re bagels.”
“Gee, they look just like wheels. What do you use them for?”
“We eat them,” says Moishe and he hands a bagel to the Martian.
The Martian takes a taste, chews thoughtfully, and lights up. “Hey,” he says, “I bet these would go great with cream cheese and lox!”

The Lake District has flooded and little Sam is walking home after shul one shabbes. As he gets to the crossroads, he meets a little girl.
“Hello,” says Sam, “what’s your name?”
“I’m Naomi,” replies the little girl.
“Where you going, Naomi?” asks Sam.
“Ive just been to shul and Im on my way home,” she replies.
“Me too,” says Sam. “What shul do you go to?”
“The Reform shul back down the road,” replies Naomi. “What about you?”
“Mines the Orthodox shul at the top of the hill,” replies Sam.
They soon discover that they both go home the same way so they decide to walk back together. But they come to a halt at a low point in the road where the rain has partially flooded the road and they can’t find a way to get across without getting wet.
“If I get my new shabbes dress wet, my mummys going to really tell me off,” says Naomi.
Sam says, “My mummy might even stop my pocket money if I get my new shabbes suit wet.”
“Tell you what I think Ill do,” says Naomi, “Im going to take off all my clothes, hold them over my head and walk across.”
“Thats a good idea,” says Sam. “Ill do the same thing.”
So they both undress and wade across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. As they are waiting to dry before putting their clothes back on, Sam says to Naomi, “You know, I never knew how much difference there is between a Reform and Orthodox Jew.”

Shul: synagogue



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