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A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning.
Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “shmuck”
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced: “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter.”

Benny from Haifa passed away and was sent ‘below’. He was amazed, however, to discover lush vegetation, running streams, waterfalls and beautiful lakes everywhere. Everyone seemed happy.
“You look surprised,” said a resident.
“Yes, I am,” replied Benny, “I expected hell to be very dry and exceedingly hot. Like a desert. But all I can see are trees full of all kinds of fruit, beautiful flowers, lots of vegetables, lush grass and water everywhere. This is not hell”
“Well,” said the resident, “it used to be like you thought, but then the Israelis started to arrive and they irrigated the hell out of the place!”

Issy had never been on a train in his life. One day, he decided that as it was a lovely sunny day, he would try a train ride. Off he went with his yarmulke on his head, a shtick of vusht under one arm and a blackbread & some herrings in a jar in the other. He sits down in a plush compartment and gets settled down to fress. Suddenly, a porter pops his head in and says. “Sir, you will have to leave this compartment. It’s reserved for the Archbishop of Canterbury.”
Issy replies “Vell, how do you know I’m not de Archbishop of Canterbury?”

Religious Quickies

* A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending – and they should be as close together as possible.
* Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
* Photons have mass? I didnt even know they were Catholic.
* Im convinced that God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, Im so far behind, I don’t think Ill ever die.
* Adam said to Eve, “Ill wear the plants in this family.”
* Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
* On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, “Lets see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.”
* And on the seventh day, God said, “Let there be Danish.”

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go
by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a ‘Star of David’ in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.”

The beggar behind the ‘Star of David’ listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.”

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