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Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said, “Ya know Mahtha, I’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane,” and every year Martha would say, “I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs…. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”

So Stumpy says, “By Jeebers Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old. If I don’t go this time I may nevah go.”

Martha replies, “Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs… and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”

So the pilot overhears them and says, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal: I’ll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won’t charge you, but just one word and it’s ten dollars.”

They agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing… so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn’t.”

And Stumpy replies, “Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out… but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!

It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa. The University’s response was “Why do we need another phone company?”

Two Auburn Engineering students were tasked to measure the height of a flag pole as a class assignment. They decided to measure the flag pole outside of Legion Field at the south end of the stadium.

While attempting this task, one student would hold the tape while the other climbed the flag pole with the other end of the tape. Much to their disappointment the student climbing the pole kept sliding down and could not get to the top.

An astute Alabama graduate was observing from a distance and suggested that the Auburn students disconnect the flag pole and measure the pole while on the ground.

The Auburn students, enraged by the suggestion yelled out, ” We want to know how tall it is not how long it is you idiot!”

Q: Do Alaskans Tan?

A: No we just thaw.

Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a certain area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed.

They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.

After a long pause, he grunted and said, “That’s good. I couldn’t take another one of these Maine winters.”

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