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* You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

* You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

* You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

* You can make instant sun tea.

* You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

* The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

* You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

* You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

* You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

* Hot water now comes out of both taps.

* It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

* You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

* You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

* No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

EAST DUBLIN, Georgia – All around the country this summer, state and local fairs will provide entertainment for thousands. But not just any gathering sponsors a watermelon-seed spitting contest, hubcap hurling, pigs’-feet bobbing, and the ever popular mudpit belly flop. For those events and more, you would have to travel to Georgia for the 7th Annual Redneck Games.

The Redneck Games attract more and more people every year, and last year over 12,000 attended the festivities. International film crews have even captured the redneck spirit for the news.

In addition to the mud pits, excruciatingly hot weather, and juicy watermelon, another bonus is the loose dress policy: at the Redneck Games, shirt and shoes AREN’T required.

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn’t gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper.

He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.

Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the biketook off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed, “…and you’re not going to believe this, there is a guy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass…”

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it.

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.”

The man thought for a minute and said, “I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.”

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they emperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?”

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”

I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, “You come no more,
We send cash right to your door.”
Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, American dummy.
Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them ‘come fast as you can.’

They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.
They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbor’s patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,

“Find more aliens for house to rent.”
And in the yard I put a tent.
Send for family they just trash,
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!

Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighborhood.
We have hobby — it’s called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
American crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.

We think America darn good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan.



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