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Two Alabamans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?” “Jus’ some chickens.” “If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?” “Shoot, ya guesses right and I’ll give you both of them.” “OK. Ummmmm . . . five?”

After Bear Bryant dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bear a little two-bedroom house with a faded Alabama banner hanging from the front porch.

“This is your house, coach,” God says happily.”Most people don’t get their own houses up here.”

Bear looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It’s a huge, beautiful two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Auburn flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Auburn banner hangs between the marble columns.

“Thanks for the house, God,” Bear says. “But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Shug gets a mansion with Auburn banners and AU flags flying all over the place. Why is that?”

God looks at him seriously for a moment, then says, “Bear, that’s not Shug’s house. That’s mine.”

The Alabamian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. “Want to go in the back seat?” she asked.

“No,” he replied.

A few minutes later she asked, “Now do you want to get in the back seat?”

“No,” he said again, “I wanna stay here in the front seat with you.”

A man went camping in Northern Arizona, as he had many times before. But he noticed something different this time when he began fishing. There were no bites on his line at all. He headed over to the local market to get some new bait, and the shopkeeper gave him some advice.

“Don’t even bother buying any bait,” said the shopkeeper

“Why’s that?” questioned the man.

“There ain’t no fish ’round here no more. We had a freak flood come through and wipe them all out.”

“But how would a flood wipe out the fish?” wondered the man.

“There ain’t never been no water ’round Arizona

The State of Arizona comprises the extreme south-western portion of the United States. It is bounded on the north by Utah, on the east by New Mexico, on the south by Mexico, and on the west by California and Nevada, so the fish never learned to swim.”

* The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

* The trees are whistling for the dogs.

* The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

* Hot water now comes out of both taps. You can make sun tea instantly.

* You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

* The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

* You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

* You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

* You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

* You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a. m.

* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

* The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

* Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

* The cows are giving evaporated milk.

* You no longer associate bridges with water.

* You can say “115 degrees” without fainting.

* You have made instant sun tea.

* You have learned that a seat belt makes a good branding iron.

* The temperature drops below 85, and you feel a bit chilled.

* You have never seen a snow shovel and don’t know anyone who owns one.

* You have learned that, in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

* You have discovered you can get sunburn through your car window.

* You notice the best parking place is determined by shade, not distance.

* It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is on the streets.

* Hot water comes out of both taps.

* You do not own an umbrella and would not know where to go to get one.

* You are comfortable at 102 degrees.

* You have spent the entire day trying to find a store that carries snow chains for your car.

* You actually burned your hand opening the car door.

* No one you know would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

* If the local weather service records 0.02 inches they call it rain.

* You don’t know anyone who owns a raincoat.

* You have cooked a dozen eggs in the trunk of your car between the grocery store and your home.

* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

* Half of your neighbors are from California and the other half are from New York.

* You think snow on the ground is an abstract concept.

* You have forgotten how to drive on wet roads.

* The local cows have been known to give powdered milk.

* The trees are whistling for the dogs.

* You pray, “I wish it would rain; not so much for me, because I’ve seen it, but for my 7-year-old.”

* You can say, “but it’s dry heat” without laughing.

* The water in your pool has been too hot to swim in and you don’t even have a pool heater.

* You have cooked outside without lighting the grill.

* Your power bill in the summer is more than your mortgage payment.

* You have had to take out a loan to pay your water bill.

* You have ever golfed when it was 117 degrees.

* The song “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas” has no real meaning.

* You think it is autumn when the temperature drops to 99 degrees.

* You’ve golfed in December in a short-sleeved shirt.

* You’ve tried to work on your car in the summertime and burned your hand



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