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Two Auburn fans have been walking in the woods for eight hours when they stop and one turns to the other and says, “I’m cutting the next Christmas tree we find – lights or no lights.”

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m lookin’ for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon,” he said to the bartender.

“We got her,” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.”

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers . He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon.”

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “You found her!”

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. “How do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner.

“I don’t,” replied the hooker. “But I thought you might want to open those beers first.”

* You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

What’s the difference between the Nebraska Cornhuskers and the Taliban?
The Taliban has a running game.

What do the Nebraska Cornhuskers and Billy Graham have in common?
They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ.”

How do you keep a Nebraska Cornhusker player out of your yard?
Put up goal posts.

Where do you go in Lincoln in case of a tornado?
Memorial Stadium – they never get a touchdown there.

Why doesn’t Omaha have a Div 1A football team?
Because then Lincoln would want one.

Why was Frank Solich upset when the Cornhusker playbook was stolen?
Because he hadn’t finished coloring it.

What’s the difference between the Nebraska Cornhuskers and a dollar bill?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the College Championships?
The Nebraska Cornhuskers.

What do the Nebraska Cornhuskers and possums have in common?
Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

How can you tell when the Nebraska Cornhuskers are going to run the football?
Diedrich leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She yells, “What the hell do you guys think you are doing?”

One of the Japanese men explains, “Can’t you see? We are all berry hungry.”

The waitress begs the question, “So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?”

One of the other Japanese men replies, “The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!”

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