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Israel’s economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says “Quiet everyone, I’ve got it, I’ve got the solution to all our problems. We’ll declare war on the United States.”
Everyone starts shouting at once. “You’re nuts! That’s crazy!”
“Hear me out!” says Yitzhak. “We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over.
“Sure,” says Benny, another minister, “that’s if we lose. But what if we win?”

Hymie enters a Catholic church and confronts the priest. “I am 93 years old. My wife is 91. We have been happily married for 64 years. Last week I had crazy, joyous sex with a 27-year-old super-model.”
The priest is aghast. “Why don’t you go to confession, old man?”
Hymie replies, “Why should a Jewish man such as myself go to confession?”
The priest is confused. “If you’re Jewish, why then are you telling me this story?”
Hymie replies, “I’m telling everyone!”

A young man was going to evening classes in philosophy to improve his education and when he came home his father always asked him what he’d learned.
“This evening we talked about Einstein and the Theory of Relativity”
“Voos is doos der Theory of Relativity?”
“Well it shows that everything is relative. If you were sitting on a hot stove for five minutes it would seem like an hour, but if you were making love to a beasutiful woman for an hour it would seem like five minutes.”
The oild man thought for a minute. “And from this Einstein makes a living””

Q. How did they advertise surplus W. W. II Italian rifles for sale?
A. “Never fired, and only dropped once.”

There were four people who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. One was Christian, one was Catholic, one was a Buddhist and the fourth was Bernie. The Company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that the following day, he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant, the Christian, was called in. The president posed the question, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”
He thought for a moment and replied, “That would have to be a thought.”
“Why do you say that?” asked the president.
“Well, a thought takes no time at all… it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again.” “Ahh, very good. Thank you,” replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the Catholic woman.
“What is the fastest thing in the world?”
She paused and replied, “That would have to be a blink.”
“Why?” asked the president.
“Because you don’t even think about a blink, it’s just a reflex. You do it in an instant.” The president thanked her, then called in the next person.
The Buddhist was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, “I would have to say electricity.”
“Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on.” “I see, very good,” replied the president.
Then, Bernie was called in. He, too, was asked, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”
“That’s easy… ” he replied, “that would have to be diarrhoea!”
Rather stunned, the president asked, “Why do you say that?”
“Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps… .. and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS… … ”

(Bernie got the job… .)

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