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* A man is not honest simply because he never had a chance to steal.
* Dont judge a man by the words of his mother. Listen instead to the comments of his neighbours.
* If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
* The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
* Ask about your neighbours. Only then buy the house.
* What you dont see with your eyes, dont invent with your mouth.
* A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
* One old friend is better than two new ones.
* When a thief kisses you, count your teeth.
* One of lifes greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasnt good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
* Old friends, like old wines, dont lose their flavour.
* A wise man hears one word and understands two.

70 year old Sidney opens his eyes and sees a lovely lady in white staring at him. “Where am I?” he says.
“You’re in the Middlesex hospital, Mr Green,” she replies. “You had a nasty car crash 4 days ago and you’ve been unconscious ever since you were brought in. But don’t worry about anything – you’re in a great hospital and we’ve got the best doctor looking after you.”
“4 days, eh?” says Sidney, “it’s no wonder I’m so hungry. So bring me a hot salt beef sandwich on rye with mustard and a new green cucumber and some latkes on the side.”
“I’m sorry, your doctor has instructed me not to feed you with any solids,” says the nurse. “You’re being fed rectally. Do you see that large tube down there? If you follow it, you’ll find it is stuck up your back passage.”
“Well then,” says Sidney, “If this really is the best hospital with the best equipment, please bring me two more tubes tomorrow. Then I would very much like to invite you and my doctor to join me for lunch.”

It started when Faye and Naomi were friends at school. Faye seemed to spend her entire time trying to get one over on Naomi and never missed an opportunity to belittle her. Whatever Naomi had or did, Faye would better it.
Then they left school to go their own ways. 30 years later, by chance, Faye and Naomi meet again at Brent Cross shopping centre. And guess what? Nothing has changed. Within minutes, Faye is boasting about her life and whenever Naomi says something, Faye dismisses it with contempt. After fifteen minutes of this, Faye looks at her watch and says, “I must go pick up my diamonds. My husband Lou is so wealthy that once a month he sends them to Hatton Garden for cleaning. We’re going to the Royal Opera tonight, it’s Madama Butterfly, and we have the best seats. So I need my diamonds.”
“Oh,” replies Naomi with a smile on her face, “do you clean your diamonds? My husband David is so rich that he throws my diamonds away when they get dirty and buys me new ones.”

All we ever hear are “Jewish” jokes and sometimes they grow tiresome. So here are some Gentile jokes.

1. Sean goes into a men’s clothes shop and says, “This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?”
The salesman says, “It’s $900.”
Sean says, “OK, I’ll take it.”

2. Patrick meets Jed on the street. Patrick says, “You own your own business, don’t you? How’s it going?”
Jed replies, “Just great! Thanks for asking!”

3. Mary meets Jane on the street and they start talking about their children.
Mary says (with pride), “My son is a construction worker!”
Jane then says (with more pride), “My son is a truck driver!”

4. Thomas calls his mother and says, “Mum, I know you’re expecting me for dinner tonight, but something important has come up and I can’t make it.”
His mother says, “OK.”

5. Ewan and his wife go to a nice restaurant. Ewan says to the waiter, “I’ll have the steak and a baked potato and my wife will have the Julienne salad with house dressing. And we’ll both have coffee.”
The waiter says, “How would you like your steak and salad prepared?”
Ewan replies, “I’d like the steak medium. The salad is fine as is.”
The waiter says, “Thank you.”

6. Nigel calls his elderly mother and asks, ” Mum, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?”
She says, “I feel fine, and I don’t need anything. Thanks for calling.”

7. Jemima and Dorothy, two old friends, meet for the first time in many years. Dorothy asks, “How is your son getting along?”
Jemima replies, “He’s fine. He just turned 35.”
“And where does he live?” asks Dorothy.
“He lives at home with me. I don’t think he’ll ever get married.”
Dorothy says, “How nice.”

Sam was ready to tee off this gorgeous Sunday morning and looked up to the sky and said, “Please G-d, tell me there’s a golf course in Heaven.
The skies opened up and a deep vice proclimed, “Sam, I ahve some good news and some bad news”.
“So, what’s the good news?”, asked Sammy.
“Sam, we have the most magnificent golf course in Heaven. Plush, green fairways. Greens as smooth as silk. Never a wait on the first tee. Never a rainy day.”
Sammy replies, “That’s fantastic! What could possibly be so bad?”
“You tee off tomorrow morning at 9:00 AM”

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