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Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a certain area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed.

They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.

After a long pause, he grunted and said, “That’s good. I couldn’t take another one of these Maine winters.”

Judith picks a firm of solicitors from the Yellow Pages and makes an appointment to see someone from their Family department.
“How can I help you, madam?” asks the solicitor.
“Is it true,” asks Judith, “that if I get divorced, Im entitled to 50% of all of my husbands possessions?”
“Well,” the solicitor replies, “the law firm would get their fee, of course, but even after this payment, it is usually the case that the woman ends up receiving at least 50%, maybe a bit more, of her husband’s entire assets. So tell me, are you ready for a divorce at this moment?”
“Oh no,” replies Judith, “I need to find a husband first.”

Chaim, a New York Jew, has a thriving business as a producer of notions for the local garment industry. He seeks to expand his business by getting an order from a huge nationally-known company in the mid-west, which happens to be owned and managed entirely by gentiles.
After months of writing letters and making telephone calls, Chaim finally gets an appointment with company’s head buyer. The meeting takes place, and the head buyer quickly gets down to business. He says to Chaim: “Here is my order. I want a piece of lace trimming that is as long as the distance between the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis”. Chaim responds unabashedly: “Yes, Sir. I’ll take care of this immediately”. Chaim then turns and exits, while the buyer feels satisfied that he has gotten rid of Chaim for good.
Several weeks later, the head buyer receives an urgent phone call from the warehouse manager, who reports: I’ve just received two carloads of lace trimming, and I don’t know where I’m going to put the stuff”. The buyer gets Chaim on the phone yelling: “How dare you send me two carloads of lace trimming. I don’t want it. I never ordered it”. Chaim responds: “My dear sir! You gave me an order, and I filled it stictly in accordance with your specifications. You said you wanted a piece of lace trimming that is as long as the distance between the tip of my nose to the tip of my penis. Well, the tip of my nose is here at the telephone, and the tip of my penis is in Poland, where I left it 75 years ago”.

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and did’nt want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and did’nt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn’t work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said “I’m afraid of needles, the electric chair won’t work so you’re going to have to hang me”.

Q. Which of our five senses diminishes as we get older?
A. Our sense of decency.

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