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Three cheers for Dennis Miller…

When commenting on the celebrities who are parading against war, he said: “I say we create a new airline called the ACLA, the American Civil Liberties Airline, where you don’t check anybody, you don’t ask any questions, and let those morons fly on that one.”

Yitzhak and Fay are travelling by car to Scotland. It is now quite late in the evening and after many hours on the road they are too tired to continue. So they decide to find somewhere to sleep for six hours and then get back on the road. They find a nice hotel and book a room.
Later, when they check out, the receptionist hands them a bill for $250. Yitzhak is angry because the charge is so high. He tells the receptionist that the rooms aren’t worth anywhere near $250 and asks to speak the Manager.
The Manager listens to Yitzhak and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a conference centre that were available for Yitzhak and Fay to use.
“But we didn’t use them,” Yitzhak complains.
“Well, they are here and you could have,” explains the Manager.
The Manager then explains they could have taken in the variety show for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers in the UK perform here,” he says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains Yitzhak again.
“Well, we have them and you could have,” the Manager replies.
Yitzhak gives up, writes out a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
“But sir,” the Manager says, “this cheque is only made out for $75.”
“That’s right,” says Yitzhak. “I charged you $175 for sleeping with my wife Fay.”
“But I didn’t,” exclaims the Manager.
“Well,” Yitzhak replies, “she was here and you could have.”

Joshua worked for “Levine’s Tailors” and was a successful salesman. He was always polite to his customers and as a result was nearly always able to sell a suit to anyone who walked into the shop. So it was a surprise when, after 10 successful years, he resigned to join the police force.
His father couldn’t understand why his son should give up a good job to become a policeman. So at the end of Joshua’s first week, he rang Joshua to ask how he liked his new job.
“Well dad,” Joshua replied, “It’s nice of you to ask. The salary is just about OK, the hours arent as bad as I thought they would be and my colleagues are a great bunch. But what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.”

A farmer in Northern Arizona plowed his fields using only one hourse. Yet as he plowed, he yelled to the horse, “Giddyup, Jack!” “Giddyup, Mick!” “Giddyup, Casey!”

A stranger passing by stopped the farmer. “I couldn’t help overhearing you shout to your horse,” he said, “and I’m curious. How many names does your horse have?”

The farmer laughed good-naturedly and replied, “Oh, his name is Jack.”

Then the farmer’s voice dropped to a conspirational whisper. “But he doesn’t know his own strength. So I put blinders on him and yell all those other names. This way he thinks he has other horses helping him.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You’re bad at holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”

© 2015