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Someone, somewhere said these

* Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I cant even get into my own pants.
* Marriage changes passion. Suddenly youre in bed with a relative.
* I saw a woman wearing a T-shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.
* I dont do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
* I live in my own little world. But its OK, they know me here.
* If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
* I love being married. Its great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
* I’m a nobody and nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
* Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days Ive stayed alive.
* Isnt having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
* Why is it that most nudists are people you dont want to see naked?
* Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Billy Bob and his family moved from Alabama to Maine to so his Paw could find better work picking potatoes. The next day Billy Bob started his first day of kindergarten. When he got home he rushed to tell his Paw, “Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to ree-cite the alpherbet today en Ah wuz the onliest one that could!”

His Paw replied “That’s cuz you’s from Bama, son!”

The next day he came home and told his Paw “Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to count as high as we could en Ah counted the highest!”

His Paw replied, “That’s cuz you’s from Bama, son!”

The next day, he came home and told his Paw “Paw, Paw, today, when we wuz all in a line, Ah noticed Ah wuz the biggest of all! Ah bet that’s cuz Ah’m from Bama, huh Paw?”

His Paw replied, “No son, that’s cuz yer 17 years old.”

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, “I’ll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness’s in 10 minutes.”
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar.
A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, “Is that bet still on?”
“Sure.”
So the bartender lines 10 Guinness’s up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
As the American hands over the money he asks, “Where did you go when you just left?”
The Irishman answers, “I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it.”

A man goes into his favourite Italian restaurant and orders a meal.He says to the waiter,, “by the way, how do you prepare your chicken?”
The waiter replies, “we don’t,we just tell them straight that they are going to be killed.”

It’s 3am in the morning in Golders Green and Maurice and Golda are woken up by a loud banging on their front door. Maurice gets up and opens the door to a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain.
“Can I have a push?” says the drunk.
“No you can’t,” says Maurice, “it’s three o’clock in the morning. Please go away, you’ll wake the children.”
Maurice shuts the door and goes back to bed.
“Who was that?” asks Golda.
“Just some drunk, dear, asking for a push,” Maurice replies.
“So did you help him?” Golda asks.
“No I didn’t. It’s 3am and it’s pouring with rain,” replies Maurice.
Golda says, “Shame on you, Maurice. Have you already forgotten when our car broke down about six months ago in Bournemouth and those two men helped us? I think you should help the man outside.”
So Maurice reluctantly does as he is told. He gets dressed, goes out into the pouring rain and calls out, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” Maurice shouts.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“So where are you?” asks Maurice.
“Over here on the swing,” replies the drunk.



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