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Avrahom and Betty were very worried. They had just received an invitation to a very high-class wedding but couldn’t figure out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP.
“If only our son, the graduate, was here, he’d know,” sighed Betty, as she kissed Avrahom good-bye as he left for work.
She pondered the problem all day and finally in a moment of triumph called Avrahom at the shop.
“Darling, I’ve figured it out,” she said, “RSVP means Remember Send Vedding Present.”

Ruth, Hetty and Naomi, all three in their 80s, are sitting together in their retirement home reminiscing about the good old days. Ruth says, “I remember when I used to be able to buy lovely big cucumbers at the greengrocers for no more than 1p each. They were giants (she demonstrates their length and thickness with her hands as she talks), not like the little cucumbers on sale today.”
Hetty then says, “Well I remember the giant onions I used to be able to buy for 1/2 p each. Every week, I always bought two of them (and she demonstrates the size of the two onions with her hands as she talks) for my chicken soup.”
Naomi, who has been sitting quietly listening to Ruth and Hetty, then says, “I couldn’t hear a word either of you were saying, but I remember the guy you were talking about.”

The dentist told Melvyn that he needed a tooth removed right away. The dentist asked, “Do you want a local anesthetic?”
Melvyn shook his head and said, “Let’s not pinch pennies, doctor. Get the best–use imported.”

Two Alabamians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?”

“Jus’ some chickens.

“If I guess how many there are, can I have one?”

“I’ll give you both of them.”

“OK. Ummmmm……, five?”

Jewish haikus

* After the warm rain, the sweet smell of camellias: Did you wipe your feet?
* Her lips near my ear, bubbeh whispers the name of her friends disease.
* Looking for pink buds to prune, the old mohel wanders among his flowers.
* Scrabble discord: Someone has placed ‘putzhead’ on a triple word score.
* Testing the warm milk on her wrist, she sighs softly. But her son is forty.
* Tea ceremony: fragrant steam perfumes the air. Try the cheese Danish.
* Lacking fins or tail, the gefilte fish swims with great difficulty.
* My nature journal: Today I saw some trees and birds. I should know the names?
* Like a bonsai tree, your terrible posture at my dinner table.
* The same kimono the top geishas are wearing, got it at John Lewis.
* The sparrow brings too many worms for her young. “Force yourself,” she chirps.
* Jewish triathlon: gin rummy, then contract bridge, followed by a nap.
* Umbilical cord: “Cant you just leave it?” the new Jewish mother asks.
* The shivah visit: So sorry about your loss. Now back to my problems.
* Our youngest daughter, our most precious jewel. Hence the name, Tiffany.
* Concert of car horns as we debate the question of when to change lanes.
* Sorry Im not home to take your call. At the tone please state your bad news.
* Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child after all Ive done?
* Today, mild shvitzing. Tomorrow, so hot youll plotz. Five-day forecast: feh.
* Left the door open for the Prophet Elijah. Now our cat is gone.
* Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt. Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Tochis. Oy! To be fluent!
* A lovely nose ring – excuse me while I put my head in the oven.
* Hard to tell under the lights – white Yarmulke or male-pattern baldness?

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