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A Tucsonian was visiting New York for his first time. After site-seeing for quite some time, he was on his way home. While checking out of his hotel at the front desk, the clerk asked him, “So, what did you think of New York?”

“Well, the Statue Of Liberty was great, I rode on the subway for the first time, and I saw an exhilirating show on Broadway. But…”

“But what?,” said the clerk.

“Well, I didn’t get a good look at the Hudson River. It was always full of water.

When Shlomo and Moshe, two Chassids, meet in Golders Green one Monday morning, Moshe is very surprised to see that Shlomo is all dressed up in his special shabbes clothes. He’s wearing his kippa, his tzitzit is showing, he has a siddur and tallis bag under one arm and a tefillin bag under the other.
So Moshe asks, “Oy veh Shlomo, where are you going all dressed up like that? It’s not shabbes you know.”
“Sssshhh,” replies Shlomo, “I don’t want anyone to know, but as I’ve never been to a brothel before, I thought I’d go to Soho and try one out.”
“OK, but what’s with your shabbes gear and prayer tools?”
“Well,” replies Shlomo, “if I like it there, I might decide to stay over the weekend.”

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, “G-d, what’s a million years to you?”
And G-d said, “A minute.”
Then the man asked, “Well, what’s a million dollars to you?”
And G-d said, “A penny.”
Then the man asked, “G-d… can I have a penny?”
And G-d said, “Sure… In a minute.”

Max is having a cup of tea in his best friend Morris’s house. Morris was commenting on the time and the fact that his wife had not yet returned home from her shopping.
“Beckie’s two hours late, Max.”
“She’s probably been kidnapped or she’s been involved in a terrible car crash,” replies Max, “or maybe she’s still shopping.”
“Oy Vay!” says Morris, “I hope she’s not shopping!”

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.

You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u’s from labor, honor, and color.

You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

You know what a toque is.

You’ve plugged a car in overnight.

You’ve defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don’t own a gun.

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