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Sung to the tune of Beauty and the Beast’s “Be our guest”

Abbreviation glossary:

P: Professors
S1, S2, S3:Distinct students
S: Students in unison
TA: Teaching assistant

P: Ma chere tuition-payers,it is with deepest sadism and greatest power that we welcome you this morning. And now, we require you to get tense, let us pull up a chair, as the faculty proudly presents – your final!

P: Take your test
Take your test
Are you nervous? Are you stressed?
Winter’s just around the corner now
We love this time the best
Physics laws
English lit.
Why, you’ll never want to quit
What’s the formula for vinyl?
Don’t you love to take a final!
Classic film
Modern dance
All the kings and queens of France
You’ll be writing with such energy and zest
Go on and take some blue books
You’ll at least need two books
Take your test
Fake your test
Take your test

World War I
World War II
You’ll be chugging Mountain Dew
As you scram back home to cram
And stay awake the whole night through
If you’re here
And you’re scared
Then you’re prob’ly unprepared
Don’t tell me about your party
You should study, Mr. Smarty
Distant stars
Shakespeare’s plays
Let us run you through our maze

S1: Did you ever get the feeling we’re oppressed?

P: Don’t question our regime
How could you dare blaspheme?
Now take your test
(You’ve B.S.ed,
But you’d rather say you’ve “guessed”)
Take your test
Take your test
Take your test
Life’s all smiles and smirking
For a student who’s not working
It’s a gas without a class to load him down
Ah, those good old days way back in grade school
Suddenly he wants his cap and gown
While he’s been busy learning
Curiosity’s been burning
What’s it like to have a minute to himself?
He won’t know ’til after graduation
They came here so lazy
Now we’re driving them all crazy!

S1: It’s a test!

S2: It’s a test!

S3: This can’t be! I still need rest!

P: You want sleep, you little creep?
That’s very good. That’s quite a jest
Ancient worlds
Complex math
And we won’t withhold our wrath
Yes, we’ll give you quite a beating
If we catch you while you’re cheating
Chinese art
Civil E.

S3: Help me please! I’m having cardiac arrest!

S1: Somebody check his heart!

P: Then label every part!
It’s on your test

S: That’s our test?

P: That’s your test

S: What a pest!

TA: Here’s a test
There’s a test
I’m so very much depressed
Have to grade each one of these in just a day
And I’m hard-pressed!
Why our “quarters” come in threes
While the deadline still is looming
I’ll keep grading
I’ll keep fuming
P: Course by course
One by one
‘Til you shout, “This isn’t fun!”
Then we’ll laugh at every place that you digressed
We’ve done our best to pester
See you next semester!
Take your test
Take your test
Take your test
Now, take your test

Three men were due to be executed one day – one University of Alabama graduate, one Florida State graduate and one Auburn University graduate.

The Alabama grad was the first to be brought in front of the firing squad. Just when they were about to fire, he shouted, “Tornado!” The guards all turned around, and he escaped by jumping over the wall.

Next in line was the Florida State grad, now confident that he too will be able to escape. So, just when they were about to fire, he shouted, “Flood!” The guards turned around and he too managed to escape.

Now it was the turn of the Auburn grad, wondering what disaster he could use (now that tornado and flood had been used). Finally, just when the guards were about to shoot, he shouted, “Fire!”

* Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

* Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

* Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY”. (at least for the Male profs)

* Address the professor as “your excellency”.

* When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!”

* Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

* Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been drinking.

* Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

* Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering.

* Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become agitated when the professor can’t understand you.

* Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute)

* Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Signup Sheet #5″ at the top, and start passing it around the room.

* Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall.

* you have no life – and you can PROVE it mathematically.
* you enjoy pain.
* you know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long division.
* you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”
* you’ve actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
* when you look in a mirror, you see a engineering major.
* it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
* you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”
* you always do homework on Friday nights.
* you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
* you think in “math.”
* you’ve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
* you hesitate to look at something because you don’t want to break down its wave function.
* you have a pet named after a scientist.
* you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
* the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger’s Cat experiment.
* you can translate English into Binary.
* you can’t remember what’s behind the door in the science building which says “Exit.”
* you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there’s a wind-chill factor in the lab.
* you are completely addicted to caffeine.
* you avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
* you consider ANY non-science course “easy.”
* when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
* the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
* you’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.
* you understood more than five of these indicators.
* you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

* You average 3 hours of sleep a night.
* Your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t.
* You go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week.
* You are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.
* You wake up 10 minutes before class.
* You wear the same jeans 13 days in a row — without washing them.
* Your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class.
* Your social life consists of a date with the library.
* It takes a shovel to find the floor of your room.
* You carry less than a dollar on your person.
* You haven’t done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class.
* You celebrate when you find a quarter.
* Your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over.
* You wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself.
* Your backpack is giving you Scoliosis.
* You get more sleep in class than in your room.
* Your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles.
* You can sleep through your roommate’s blaring stereo.
* You live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.
* You get more e-mail than postal mail.

© 2015