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1. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

2. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”

3. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as “KKK.”

4. Mutter repeatedly, “Not again… not again… not again.”

5. When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”

6. Deny the existence of chemicals.

7. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.

8. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

9. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid.

10. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah’s ark. On the way home, Willy asked, “Do you think Noah did much fishing?”
“How could he?” said Billy. “He only had two worms”.

The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like “cunt” and “cock” scrawled all over the blackboard.
“Children,” she said, addressing the classroom, “you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we’re all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them.”
At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. When she reached fifty, she said, “All right. Everybody open their eyes.”
All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased. But below them was the message: “Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!”

Teacher: Do you file your nails Billy?
Billy: No, I just throw them away!

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can’t sleep in my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

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