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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.

15 minutes looking for assignment.

11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

8 minutes in the bathroom.

10 minutes getting a snack.

7 minutes checking the TV Guide.

6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. “I would do anything to pass this exam.” She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean…” she whispers, “… I would do… anything.”

He returns her gaze. “Anything?”

“Anything.”

His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you… study?”

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, “The sky is fascinating.”

The teacher says, “No that’s fascinating.”

Jennifer raises her hand and says, “When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated.”

The teacher says, “No that’s fascinated.”

So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit’s are so big she could only fasten eight!

Dear Parent(s), Date: ______________

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.

Please send:

__ Money (Cash)! Amount: _________________________
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ___________
__ Clean clothes!

Relationships:

__ What?
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend

My Roommate:

__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
__ Has fleas

My Professors are:

__ Sadistic water walkers
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves

Latest News:

__ I wrecked the car
__ I can’t use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
__ You are going to have a grandchild
__ False alarm – you are NOT going to have a grandchild

Food:

__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

Health:

__ I have gained _____ pounds
__ My roommate is in the hospital with meningitis
__ My HIV test was: _____ positive _____ negative (check only one)
__ I died yesterday!

Grades:

__ I am making all A’s
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester

I study:

__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above

Daily Devotions:

__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can’t read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

On my last visit home, I left:

__ My glasses
__ My paper that was due yesterday
__ The clothes you washed for me
__ My (girlfriend’s) birth control pills
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
__ Other _____________________________________________

Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)

Laundry:

__ My white underwear is now _________________
__ I am saving money by not using detergent
__ Don’t worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

My room:

__ Can pass your “white glove” test
__ Is only _____% full
__ Could not be located last Saturday night
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

Parties:

__ I don’t inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven’t been to one since this morning

Hope you:

__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

Salutation:

__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,

__________________________________________________
Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
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