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* Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

* Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

* Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY”. (at least for the Male profs)

* Address the professor as “your excellency”.

* When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!”

* Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

* Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been drinking.

* Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

* Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering.

* Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become agitated when the professor can’t understand you.

* Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute)

* Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Signup Sheet #5″ at the top, and start passing it around the room.

* Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall.

* you have no life – and you can PROVE it mathematically.
* you enjoy pain.
* you know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long division.
* you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”
* you’ve actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
* when you look in a mirror, you see a engineering major.
* it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
* you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”
* you always do homework on Friday nights.
* you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
* you think in “math.”
* you’ve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
* you hesitate to look at something because you don’t want to break down its wave function.
* you have a pet named after a scientist.
* you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
* the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger’s Cat experiment.
* you can translate English into Binary.
* you can’t remember what’s behind the door in the science building which says “Exit.”
* you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there’s a wind-chill factor in the lab.
* you are completely addicted to caffeine.
* you avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
* you consider ANY non-science course “easy.”
* when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
* the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
* you’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.
* you understood more than five of these indicators.
* you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

* You average 3 hours of sleep a night.
* Your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t.
* You go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week.
* You are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.
* You wake up 10 minutes before class.
* You wear the same jeans 13 days in a row — without washing them.
* Your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class.
* Your social life consists of a date with the library.
* It takes a shovel to find the floor of your room.
* You carry less than a dollar on your person.
* You haven’t done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class.
* You celebrate when you find a quarter.
* Your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over.
* You wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself.
* Your backpack is giving you Scoliosis.
* You get more sleep in class than in your room.
* Your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles.
* You can sleep through your roommate’s blaring stereo.
* You live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.
* You get more e-mail than postal mail.

‘Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last-minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would loosen their thinking

In my own room,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his book,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy;
My eyes went a blur,
And I just couldn’t study.

“Some pizza might help,”
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I’d nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades earned in school.

When all of a sudden
Our door opened wide
And Patron Saint “Put-It-Off”
Ambled inside.

His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
But summoning effort
He started to bellow:

“What kind of student
Would make such a fuss
To toss back at teachers
What they toss at us?

On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year’s Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last-Minute Crams!”

His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night:

“Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do our best…
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test.”

Teacher: If you have five haystacks in one corner, five in another and two in another, how many would you have?
Pupil: One big haystack!



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