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There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all,
And now he’s a college professor.

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her room-mate.

“Terrible!” the room-mate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”

“He was the original owner!”

16. Even though you’re all seniors, she insists on having “Show ‘n’ Tell,” just so she can show everyone that tattoo on her ass again.

15. If you’re late you have to sit up front for a special lap dance.

14. Finishes introducing himself by saying, “…and if I’d have known she was a statue, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near her!”

13. Every morning the “current events discussion” has the same topic: those panty-waist losers he served with in ‘Nam.

12. Attempting to be cool, she says her college roommate was Lilith Fair.

11. For the 182nd consecutive day: The Zapruder Film

10. New haircut — check. Fresh clean blackboard — check. Puddle under desk — uh, oh.

9. She insists that a 36-year-old teacher actually had a baby with a 13-year-old student.

8. Refusing to admit summers over, sits on lawn chair at the front of the room and screams for the cabana boy to bring another Mai Tai.

7. Eats paste ‘n’ crayon sandwiches that melt all over his shirt.

6. Constantly hounding patent office about his revolutionary in-pants lesson plan filing system.

5. Always cracks himself up by announcing, “Now we’re gonna go into Chapter 13… just like your parents!”

4. She keeps a tip jar on her desk.

3. Continually re-seats the class by outfit color, so if you squint your eyes it looks like Manet’s “Dejeuner sur L’Herbe.”

2. Says that if he had his way, the biology class would be dissecting “mall rats.”

1. Constantly asking class if anyone knows how to get blood stains off a clown suit.

Three men were due to be executed one day – one University of Alabama graduate, one Florida State graduate and one Auburn University graduate.

The Alabama grad was the first to be brought in front of the firing squad. Just when they were about to fire, he shouted, “Tornado!” The guards all turned around, and he escaped by jumping over the wall.

Next in line was the Florida State grad, now confident that he too will be able to escape. So, just when they were about to fire, he shouted, “Flood!” The guards turned around and he too managed to escape.

Now it was the turn of the Auburn grad, wondering what disaster he could use (now that tornado and flood had been used). Finally, just when the guards were about to shoot, he shouted, “Fire!”

The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English – now dubbed Hebonics – as a second language. Backers of the move say the citys School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture. According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, “In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question – plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus, How are you? may be answered, How should I be, with my feet?”
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with “sh” or “shm” at the beginning: “Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?”
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: “Its beautiful, that dress.”
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as: “Hes slow as a turtle,” could be: “Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline, he walks.”
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics:

* Question: “What time is it?” English answer: “Sorry, I dont know.” Hebonic answer: “What am I, a clock?”
* Remark: “I hope things turn out okay.” English response: “Thanks.” Hebonic response: “I should *be* so lucky!”
* Remark: “Hurry up! Dinners ready.” English response: “Be right there.” Hebonic response: “Alright already, Im coming. Whats with the hurry business? Is there a fire?”
* Remark: “I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time.” English response: “Glad you like it.” Hebonic response: “So whats the matter; you dont like the other ties I gave you?
* Remark: “Sarah and I are engaged.” English response: “Congratulations!” Hebonic response: “She could stand to lose a few pounds.”
* Question: “Would you like to go riding with us?” English answer: “Just say when!” Hebonic answer: “Riding, shmiding!? Do I look like a cowboy?”
* To guest of honor at his birthday party: English remark: “Happy birthday.” Hebonic remark: “A year smarter you should become.”
* Remark: “A beautiful day.” English response: “Sure is.” Hebonic response: “So the sun is out; what else is new?”
* Answering a phone call from son: English remark: “Its been a long time since you called.” Hebonic remark: “You didnt wonder if Im dead yet?”



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