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Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon?
Pupil: The horse will draw it!
Teacher: Why are you picking your nose in class?
Pupil: My mother won’t let me do it at home!

You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here’s a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:

First, the Assignment:
English 44A
California State University, Hayward
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.

Lisa starts:
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl . His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Dave:
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

Lisa:
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel.” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

Dave:
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow’em out of the sky!”

Lisa:
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Dave:
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Lisa:
Asshole.

Dave:
Bitch.

Two Auburn grads had bought a couple of horses that they used to make some money during the summer. But when winter came, they found that it cost too much to board them. So they turned the horses loose in a pasture where there was plenty to eat. “How will we tell yours from mine when we pick them up?” the first Auburn guy asked.

“Easy,” replied the second. “We’ll cut the mane off my horse and the tail off yours.”

By spring, the mane and tail had grown back to normal length. “Now what are we going to do?” asked the first.

The second replied, “Well, why don’t you just take the black one and I’ll take the white one.”

The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters “ILU” written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises her hand.
“Well sweetie, what does “ILU” mean?”
The little girl replies, “I love you.”
The teacher says, “Isn’t that sweet,” and continues with class.

The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters “YAS” written on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean.
A little white boy raises his hand and says, “It means, You are special.”
“Thank you sweetheart”, the teacher says.

The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters “FUCK” written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if they know what that means.
A little black girl raises her hand and cheerfully says, “Yes maam, I left it. It means, From Us Colored Kids!”.

The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters “ILU” written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises her hand.
“Well sweetie, what does “ILU” mean?”
The little girl replies, “I love you.”
The teacher says, “Isn’t that sweet,” and continues with class.

The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters “YAS” written on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean.
A little white boy raises his hand and says, “It means, You are special.”
“Thank you sweetheart”, the teacher says.

The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters “FUCK” written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if they know what that means.
A little black girl raises her hand and cheerfully says, “Yes maam, I left it. It means, From Us Colored Kids!”.



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