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16. Even though you’re all seniors, she insists on having “Show ‘n’ Tell,” just so she can show everyone that tattoo on her ass again.

15. If you’re late you have to sit up front for a special lap dance.

14. Finishes introducing himself by saying, “…and if I’d have known she was a statue, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near her!”

13. Every morning the “current events discussion” has the same topic: those panty-waist losers he served with in ‘Nam.

12. Attempting to be cool, she says her college roommate was Lilith Fair.

11. For the 182nd consecutive day: The Zapruder Film

10. New haircut — check. Fresh clean blackboard — check. Puddle under desk — uh, oh.

9. She insists that a 36-year-old teacher actually had a baby with a 13-year-old student.

8. Refusing to admit summers over, sits on lawn chair at the front of the room and screams for the cabana boy to bring another Mai Tai.

7. Eats paste ‘n’ crayon sandwiches that melt all over his shirt.

6. Constantly hounding patent office about his revolutionary in-pants lesson plan filing system.

5. Always cracks himself up by announcing, “Now we’re gonna go into Chapter 13… just like your parents!”

4. She keeps a tip jar on her desk.

3. Continually re-seats the class by outfit color, so if you squint your eyes it looks like Manet’s “Dejeuner sur L’Herbe.”

2. Says that if he had his way, the biology class would be dissecting “mall rats.”

1. Constantly asking class if anyone knows how to get blood stains off a clown suit.

Kurt: I spent eight hours over my new spelling book last night.
Teacher: It’s wonderful that you spent so much time studying!
Kurt: Who said anything about studying? My spelling book was under my bed when I went to sleep!

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
would loosen up their thinking.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn’t study.
“Some pizza might help,”
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I’d nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint
Put It Off Ambled inside.

His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
He started to bellow:
“What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?”
“On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year’s Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!”

His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night.
“Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test.”

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, “Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”

“Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.” responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?”

“Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000.”

“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you going crazy???”

“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!”

Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at Auburn University?
A: They cause too much brain damage.



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