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Dear Parent(s), Date: ______________

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.

Please send:

__ Money (Cash)! Amount: _________________________
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ___________
__ Clean clothes!

Relationships:

__ What?
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend

My Roommate:

__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
__ Has fleas

My Professors are:

__ Sadistic water walkers
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves

Latest News:

__ I wrecked the car
__ I can’t use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
__ You are going to have a grandchild
__ False alarm – you are NOT going to have a grandchild

Food:

__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

Health:

__ I have gained _____ pounds
__ My roommate is in the hospital with meningitis
__ My HIV test was: _____ positive _____ negative (check only one)
__ I died yesterday!

Grades:

__ I am making all A’s
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester

I study:

__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above

Daily Devotions:

__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can’t read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

On my last visit home, I left:

__ My glasses
__ My paper that was due yesterday
__ The clothes you washed for me
__ My (girlfriend’s) birth control pills
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
__ Other _____________________________________________

Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)

Laundry:

__ My white underwear is now _________________
__ I am saving money by not using detergent
__ Don’t worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

My room:

__ Can pass your “white glove” test
__ Is only _____% full
__ Could not be located last Saturday night
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

Parties:

__ I don’t inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven’t been to one since this morning

Hope you:

__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

Salutation:

__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,

__________________________________________________
Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark (“X”).

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her room-mate.

“Terrible!” the room-mate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”

“He was the original owner!”

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

“I am going to eat you for lunch!” said the fox.

“Wait!” replied the rabbit, “You should at least wait a few days.”

“Oh yeah? Why should I wait?”

“Well, I am just finishing my thesis on ‘The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.’”

“Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit.”

“Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch.”

“You really are crazy!” But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

“Wait!” yelled the rabbit, “You can’t eat me right now.”

“And why might that be, my furry appetizer?”

“I am almost finished writing my thesis on ‘The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.’”

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit. “Maybe I shouldn’t eat you; you really are sick … in the head. You might have something contagious.”

“Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions.”

So the wolf went down into the rabbit’s hole and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, “What’s up? You seem very happy.”

“Yup, I just finished my thesis.”

“Congratulations. What’s it about?”

“‘The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.’”

“Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.”

“Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself.” So together they went down into the rabbit’s hole.

As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The Moral of the Story:

The title of your thesis doesn’t matter. The subject doesn’t matter. The research doesn’t matter. All that matters is who your advisor is.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, “Oh geez, better get cracking,” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.”
13. If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
14. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
15. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
16. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
17. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up!
18. For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
19. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
20. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
21. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
22. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
23. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
24. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
25. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
26. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Screw this!” and walk out triumphantly.
27. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
28. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
29. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
30. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
31. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
32. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
33. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “You don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”
34. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
35. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
36. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
37. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get PI and imaginary numbers into most equations.
38. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
39. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
40. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
41. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”
42. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
43. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
44. One word: Wrestlemania.
45. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
46. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
47. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
48. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
49. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
50. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
51. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
52. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “It helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so.”
53. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks.”



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