Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100253 jokes and pictures!


The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention to his replies.

“Are you feeling OK?” he asked.

“Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet,” she admitted. “Is there a name for my condition?”

“Why yes, there is,” he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch. “It’s called ‘Good News’.”

One day at the end of class little Billy’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story.

Suzy said, “Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”

The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Suzy replies, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”

Next is little Lucy. “Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.”
The teacher asks for the moral of the story.

Lucy replies “Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

Last is little Billy. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands”.

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, “Don’t fuck with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”

Jan 3rd, 1995
I have long heard of the lives of the privileged classes, and now I have prepared myself to experience life as a member. Tomorrow, I will don the the uniform of the academic and re-enter society, NOT as I once was, a worker and pawn of the educated classes, but as a peer of those very people. Tomorrow, I shall become an academic!

Jan 4th, 1995
Dressed in a pair of green slacks with shortened legs, red cardigan and egg-yolk-stained tee-shirt; sporting a scraggly beard and armed only with a pipe, I stepped onto the University Campus. Immediately upon mumbling some incomprehensible gibberish, I was greeted on with respect and awe by my fellow academia. Applying for tenure was simple. The questions were very direct:

They: Do you know what you’re doing?
Me: This is Belgium, right?
They: You have a masters in English?
Me: I have a Red Volvo!
They: And you’re applying for a position in the department of Physics?
Me: I think sometimes, therefore I am illogical!

I was appointed immediately and released to an unsuspecting student population.

Jan 5th, 1995
Today was my first as a lecturer. I prepared concientiously by drinking heavily, watching lots of television and going to bed very late the preceding night turning up at my lecture the prescribed 1 minute late, I spoke of Yeats and the passion of his poetry. The first year Physics students were left speechless.

Jan 6th, 1995
I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was Saturday.

Jan 7th, 1995
I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was a Wednesday.

Jan 8th, 1995
I went to work today and was distressed at the lack of attendance.

Jan 9th, 1995
Being conscientious in the maintenance of my diary, I take a well deserved holiday knowing that in three more days I will be eligible for a six month sebattical.

Jan 12th, 1995
My lecture this morning was a landmark effort. I launched into the explanation of the right-hand-rule, then, remembering that I was an academic, subverted myself into discussing of the right-hand-rule of hitch-hiking, the dangers of hitchhiking, the dangers of hitching in South America, my Holiday in South America, the woman I met in South America, the place she worked at, their physics department, then to finish off, what their physics department said about the right-hand-rule. I think I was well received

Jan 13th, 1995
A minor peice of confusion here in that I brought my Telephone book instead of my lecture notes. I improvised the basic electrical safety section of the course with the aid of two paper clips, a student and a handy power point. I feel sure the class now appreciates the dangers of electricity. Attendance dropped by one.

Jan 14th, 1995
Being a Friday, I decide to excite my first year pupils with an experiment in wave theory. I walked into the lab, waved, and left. I’m sure my students appreciated the humourous content.

Jan 16th, 1995
Having now mastered when weekends occur, I turned up to receive confirmation of my sebattical, taking it, on full pay, immediately.

Jul 17th, 1995
Back from sebattical I realise that I did not make arrangements for a stand-in lecturer. In an attempt to catch up for the lost time, I set the students some homework, pages 1-375, read and do all exercises.

Jul 18th, 1995
Attendance was exceptionally low today with only one student in class. When I asked him how his homework was going as his entire coursework depended on it. He screamed and left. I marked him absent and informed the grants department that no-one was attending my courses.

Jul 21st, 1995
My students are all back having received the letter informing them that grants are only paid to attending students. Scholarship students, with a far harsher attendance policy, are openly weeping.

Jul 24th, 1995
I am now eligible for three months extra-curricular sebattical, which I decide to take immediately, warning my students that the exam will be held the day I return, covering all aspects of the course, including the last minute addition of the Encyclopedia Brittanica to the Book List. I expect all students to have a copy.

Oct 24th, 1995
Exam day.
Having no preparation time, I use last years exam and substitute different values for the equation. I randomly appoint a student from another class to work out the answers and mark the exams.

Oct 27th, 1995
I receive the results of the exam which indicate that 89% of the class passed the exam. Lauded as an academic genius, I am awarded 6 months further paid sebbatical to study the effects of alcohol on the mind. Starting the third day of term next year. I think I’m on a winner here.

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.

“That is the talking clock,” the man replied.

“How’s it work?” the friend asked.

“Watch,” the student said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It’s two AM!”

Q: Why did the Auburn student marry the cow?
A: He had to.



© 2015 ijokedb.com