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Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn’t give me any trouble, just the answers!

The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago.

The professor was explaining an accounting method called “First In Last Out,” which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff.

It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970’s when the oil shortage occurred. They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the 1930’s at 20 a barrel. They of course sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.

One of the students put up his hand and said, “Excuse me, sir, but that doesn’t sound very ethical to me.” To which the professor replied, “You’re in the wrong class, son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is two doors down the hall, on the left.”

‘Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last-minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would loosen their thinking

In my own room,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his book,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy;
My eyes went a blur,
And I just couldn’t study.

“Some pizza might help,”
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I’d nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades earned in school.

When all of a sudden
Our door opened wide
And Patron Saint “Put-It-Off”
Ambled inside.

His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
But summoning effort
He started to bellow:

“What kind of student
Would make such a fuss
To toss back at teachers
What they toss at us?

On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year’s Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last-Minute Crams!”

His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night:

“Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do our best…
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test.”

A college student picked up his date at her parent’s home. He’d scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.

To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetisers, lobster, champagne …the works.
Finally he asked her, “Does your Mother feed you like this at home?”

“No,” she said, “but my Mother’s not looking to get laid.”

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

“You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

“Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

“No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.”

The student looked incredulous and angry.

“Do you know who I am?”

“No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

“Do you know who I am?” the student asked again in a louder voice.

“No, and I don’t care.” replied the professor with an air of superiority.

“Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.



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