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Joey was taking Calculus at UCLA. He struggled with it, and worried about failing. Final exam time came, and he studied and studied, but, still he was not ready.

The Professor passed out the exams and told the class that they had only 30 minutes. Every five minutes, he reminded the class how much time was left. This only made Joey more and more nervous.

Finally, after 30 minutes, the Professor said, “Stop! The exam is over. Turn them in!”

One by one, the papers were handed in. But, Joey just kept working on that exam. The Professor decided to wait it out and see how long it would take him.

After another 20 minutes, Joey turned in his exam. The Professor asked him, “What are you doing?”

Joey answered, “Turning in my exam.”

The professor then told Joey, “The exam was over 20 minutes ago. You have failed!”

Joey then looked the Professor in the eye, and asked, “Do you know who I am?”

The professor answered, “No.”

Then Joey asked, “You really don’t know who I am, do you?” as if he were a very important person.

The Professor again, said, “No, I don’t know who you are and I don’t care!”

Then Joey shoved his exam right in the middle of the other exams, that were on the Professor’s desk, and said, “Good!”

Q: How can you tell when there’s been an Auburn student in your backyard?
A: The garbage is gone and your dog’s pregnant.

1. Buying books at the SUNY IT bookstore is like a physical challenge in Double Dare.
2. Entering the residence hall requires more identification that passing through customs.
3. Escalators that don’t escalate.
4. Our largest area of green grass can be counted, blade for blade, as you pass it by.
5. The highest number of handycap spaces + the lowest per capita number of parking spaces = A real life simulation of “Frogger.”
6. If you ask for no mustard, you get extra mayonaisse. If you say “Hola!” as you pass through the line, you get extra potato chips.
7. In Biology class you hear chirping sounds when studying insect physiology…you think, “Maybe I’m really going crazy,” but then turn to realize that it’s just someone’s cellular phone going off…
8. Every building is painted to resemble every color of every after-dinner mint you’ve ever eaten.
9. Elevators that don’t elevate.
10. Student lounges resemble hotel lobbies, but student residences resemble prison quarters.

1. It’s Friday.
2. Your dentist cancelled your appointment.
3. You can’t think of anything boring to do.
4. It’s daytime.
5. It’s nightime.
6. It’s exactly one week later than this time last week.
7. You like to make ice.
8. You want to annoy your neighbors.
9. You’re dying to wear your new lamp shade.
10. You’re tired of playing “Charades” by yourself.
11. You’re carrying a party gene.
12. You’ve found the perfect shoes.
13. You’re afraid your lifestyle is too healthy.
14. You never know …
15. Your place could use a good trashing.
16. Your mother needs something to be upset about.
17. You have a sudden urge to “limbo.”
18. Your inhibitions are out of town.
19. The bank made an error in your favor.
20. It’s there.
21. You need more bean dip in your diet.
22. The fun content of your blood is too low.
23. You look good doing it.
24. You’re considering it as a career.
25. Your yo-yo stock went up a point.
26. Someone’s got to do it.
27. You have a bad reputation to uphold.
28. Your plants want to meet new people.
29. Fun is a terrible thing to waste.
30. You want to try out your new coasters.
31. It’s your patriotic duty.
32. You’re going for the party record.
33. Your roommate got rid of his scorpion farm.
34. You need the practice.
35. You’re not getting any younger.
36. The vet says your hamster will pull through.
37. You’ve got it coming.
38. Your life is starting to grow moss.
39. Your brain needs a night off.
40. You never met a party you didn’t like.
41. The fate of the free world depends on it.
42. The universe is expanding.
43. Your dog is finally housebroken.
44. It’s the only exercise you get.
45. Maturity is overrated.
46. A party demon has possessed your body.
47. It hurts too much when you stop.
48. These are your “party years.”
49. You’re too polite to turn down an invitation.
50. You can’t boogie to a book.
51. You have an overactive party gland.
52. The moon is in a party phase.

A new two-year degree is being offered at Life University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That’s right, in just six tri-mesters, you too, can be a real man.

FIRST YEAR – Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS – Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

FIRST YEAR – Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception
MEN 102 You, too, Can Do Housework
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What’s Hers is Hers

FIRST YEAR – Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like an Asshole When You’re Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 You, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
MEN 102B You, too, Can Do Housework

SECOND YEAR – Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
MEN 201 You, too, Can Do Housework
Elective (See Electives below)

SECOND YEAR – Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don’t Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially When Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important I
MEN 202 You, too, Can Do Housework

SECOND YEAR – Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is NOT Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II
MEN 202A I Said…You, too, Can Do Housework Course

Electives: EAT 101 Cooking With Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say “Yes, Dear”
ECON 001B Cheaper to Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001A)

© 2015