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It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students.

“What did you do this summer?” the teacher asked Suzie.

“Me and my family went to the beach a lot,” Suzie answered.

“That sounds like fun,” said the teacher. “How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?”

“Me and my family rode our bikes together.”

“That sounds lovely,” said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to shy Mikey in the corner of the room.

“What did you do this summer, Mikey?”

“Nothing,” the boy responded timidly.

“Did you do anything with your family?” the teacher asked, trying to draw Mikey out.

“Yes.”

“Did you go to the beach?”

“No.”

“Did you ride bikes?”

“No, never!” the boy burst out. “We can never ride bikes together!”

“Why not?” said the shocked teacher.

“I don’t know,” explained Mikey, “but dad always said, when then mom and sis start ‘cycling together’, it’s time to get the hell out of town.”

The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student’s neighbor, “Hey wake that student up!”
The neighbor yells back, “You put him to sleep, you wake him up!”

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, asked during class, “Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?”

Miss Smythe gasped, then said coolly, “Mr. Perkins, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this,” and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”

“Correct Miss Johnson.” said Mr. Perkins. “And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. ONE, you have not studied your lesson. TWO, you have a dirty mind. And THREE, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”

Q: How can you tell your getting close to Auburn?
A: If you stop to take a piss the cows will back up to the fence.

Teacher: Didn’t you hear me call you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!



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