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Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms–so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare. They couldn’t fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be an easy final”. They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

Dad’s Reply

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Memo to all students:

Over the Fall our teaching staff is providing a teaching program adequately entitled “Special High Intensity Training”.

Now the criteria designed for S.H.I.T. will have already been taken by the teaching staff. So they no longer have to do S.H.I.T.

For those who wish to continue to higher levels in this material we will be offering Multiple Opportunity Research Education of Special High Intensity Training. (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.)

For those who feel that they have advanced further that would mean by your performance we have advanced you to Total Opportunity Under-Graduate Hyper Special High Intensity Training. For those of you who feel that you are at a higher level and wish to get out that would be T.O.U.G.H. S.H.I.T.!!!

Our top level of teaching will be Developmental Exceptional Educational Program @ Special High Intensity Training. For those of you wishing to move on that would mean you’re in D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.!!!!

Sincerely,
Boss In General of Special High Intensity Training.
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
2. Isaac Newton’s birthday.
3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn’t actually reach it.
4. I have the proof, but there isn’t room to write it in this margin.
5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
8. I couldn’t figure out whether i is the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
9. I took time out to snack a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn’t find it.

In an early morning history class a teacher began to notice that only two people had been showing up tardy.
Every Tuesday and Thursday of the week a young man and a stunning redhead had repeatedly shown up late. The boy walking in as if he had just ran a 10 mile race and the redhead would show up after him with a bottle of water and a proud smile.
On a usual Tuesday the teacher waited to start class until both had shown up. He took out his list of tardys and announced, “Everyone in this room has made it to my class on time… except two obvious people.” With this, the boy began to get a little nervous, glancing at the redhead, who stared on with a confident smile at the teacher.
The teacher then decided to ask the redhead if she knew the reason why she and her male friend were always late. She answered, “Well, you always have pop quizzes on either Tuesdays or Thursdays so (boy) and I just have early morning reviews before each day. Sometimes we just get a little carried away.”
The teacher, more or less than amused, sentenced the redhead to come to a before school detention for Thursday morning, and proceeded with a pop quiz for the day.
Thursday morning rolled around. The boy came to class early, walking perfectly, but neither the teacher or the redhead were in sight. It wasn’t until 10 minutes into class that the redhead cooly walked in, winked at the boy and sat down with her bottle of water.
Not but a minute later the teacher sauntered in the classroom, announcing that it no longer was a need to be on time for class anymore, the redhead had proved herself worthy of her study time, whether he liked it or not. With that he turned to the board, exposing the nail rips in the back of his shirt.



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