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It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

“You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

“Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

“No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.”

The student looked incredulous and angry.

“Do you know who I am?”

“No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

“Do you know who I am?” the student asked again in a louder voice.

“No, and I don’t care.” replied the professor with an air of superiority.

“Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, “if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?”
“Somebody else’s pants.”

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, “Quite right, old bean!”

2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.

3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.

4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond “that’s my name, don’t wear it out!”

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute”.

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.

8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

13. Sing your questions.

14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream “THAT’S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry.”

16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O’Reilly.

17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you’ve done so.

19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY”.

20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

21. Stare continually at the professor’s crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.

22. Address the professor as “your excellency”.

23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been drinking.

24. Shout “WOW!” after every sentence of the lecture.

25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

26. Ask whether you have to come to class.

27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.

28. Bring a “seeing eye rooster” to class.

29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become aggitated when the professor can’t understand you.

30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

31. Watch the professor through binoculars.

32. Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall.

33. Ask to introduce your “invisible friend” in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.

34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!”

35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

36. Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering.

37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor’s reply and proceed to do so anyway.

38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.

39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream “IMPOSTER!”

40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Signup Sheet #5″ at the top, and start passing it around the room.

42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.

43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for “stud”.

44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, “Can you spell that?”

45. Disassemble your pen. “Accidently” propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.

46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.

47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.

50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can’t see Macedonia.

Q: How do you compliment an Auburn fan?
A: Nice tooth.

Teacher: How do you spell cat, Angela?
Angela: C-A-I -
Teacher: Stop right there. Cat doesn’t have and I!
Angela: So how does it see to catch a mouse?

Teacher: Melody, spell mouse.
Melody: M-O-U-S.
Teacher: But what’s at the end of it?
Melody: A tail.



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