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1. Log on, wait a second, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the darned thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it’s set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again.
7. Work normally for awhile. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then pull a disk out of your fly and say, “Oops, I forgot.”

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?” As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look. “Well”, he responded, “I guess you’ll just have to write with your other hand”

A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. “I would do anything to pass this exam.” She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean…” she whispers, “… I would do… anything.”

He returns her gaze. “Anything?”

“Anything.”

His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you… study?”

(A true story)

A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.”

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2). Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, “It will be a cold night in Hell before I go out with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having a date with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.

O Lord, hear my anxious plea

Calculus is killing me

I know not of ‘dx’ or ‘dy’

And probably won’t until the day I die.

Please, Lord, help me in this hour

As I take my case to the highest power.

I care not for fame or loot

Just help me find one square root.

And Lord, please let me see

One passing mark in organic chemistry.

Oh such a thing I constantly dread

I’d just as soon join the Marines instead.

Lord, please give me a sign

That you’ve been listening all the time.

Please lead me out of this constant coma

And give me a shot at my diploma.



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