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A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?”

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look. “Well,” he responded, “I guess you’ll just have to write with your other hand.”

Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
Class: At once!

Teacher: Did you parents help you with these homework problems?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself!

Q: How many Belmont Abbey students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three – one to hold the candle, one to light the flint, and the other to pray that it works.

Q: How many Chowan students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three – if they get lucky and one of them has taken the course at Elizabeth City State.

Q: How many Davidson students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four – one to change a bulb, and three to write up a complaint to the board of directors stating that they could have gone to an Ivy League if they had wanted to.

Q: How many Duke students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three – one to change the bulb, and two to crack under the pressure.

Q: How many East Carolina University students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes six years!!

Q: How many Elon College students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None – that’s what maids are for.

Q: How many Gardner-Webb University students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two – one to throw the old one in the cow pasture and the other to drive to Shelby to get a new bulb.

Q: How many Meredith students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five – two to write a song, two to make a t-shirt, and one to change it.

Q: How many Methodist students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None – downtown Fayetteville looks better in the dark.

Q: How many NC State students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three – one to change the bulb, and two to discuss how they did it as well as anyone in Chapel Hill.

Q: How many Queens students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two – one to change the bulb, and one to throw the old bulb at UNC-Charlotte students.

Q: How many UNC-Chapel Hill students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One – he just holds the bulb and lets the world revolve around him.

Q: How many UNC-Pembroke students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The whole student body, there’s nothing better to do on weekends.

Q: How many UNC-Wilmington students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four – two to change the bulb, and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.

Q: How many Western Carolina University students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None – Cullowhee doesn’t have electricity.

Q: How many Wake Forest students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two – one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

The following is a “history” collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, “Am I my brother’s son?” God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interes in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

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