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Teacher: Does anyone know who broke the sound barrier?
Pupil: I’m no squealer!

The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English – now dubbed Hebonics – as a second language. Backers of the move say the citys School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture. According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, “In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question – plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus, How are you? may be answered, How should I be, with my feet?”
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with “sh” or “shm” at the beginning: “Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?”
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: “Its beautiful, that dress.”
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as: “Hes slow as a turtle,” could be: “Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline, he walks.”
Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics:

* Question: “What time is it?” English answer: “Sorry, I dont know.” Hebonic answer: “What am I, a clock?”
* Remark: “I hope things turn out okay.” English response: “Thanks.” Hebonic response: “I should *be* so lucky!”
* Remark: “Hurry up! Dinners ready.” English response: “Be right there.” Hebonic response: “Alright already, Im coming. Whats with the hurry business? Is there a fire?”
* Remark: “I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time.” English response: “Glad you like it.” Hebonic response: “So whats the matter; you dont like the other ties I gave you?
* Remark: “Sarah and I are engaged.” English response: “Congratulations!” Hebonic response: “She could stand to lose a few pounds.”
* Question: “Would you like to go riding with us?” English answer: “Just say when!” Hebonic answer: “Riding, shmiding!? Do I look like a cowboy?”
* To guest of honor at his birthday party: English remark: “Happy birthday.” Hebonic remark: “A year smarter you should become.”
* Remark: “A beautiful day.” English response: “Sure is.” Hebonic response: “So the sun is out; what else is new?”
* Answering a phone call from son: English remark: “Its been a long time since you called.” Hebonic remark: “You didnt wonder if Im dead yet?”

The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, “You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod…”

That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.

Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon?
Pupil: The horse will draw it!
Teacher: Why are you picking your nose in class?
Pupil: My mother won’t let me do it at home!

You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here’s a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:

First, the Assignment:
English 44A
California State University, Hayward
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.

Lisa starts:
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl . His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Dave:
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

Lisa:
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel.” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

Dave:
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow’em out of the sky!”

Lisa:
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Dave:
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Lisa:
Asshole.

Dave:
Bitch.



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