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Man: “How’s your history paper coming?”

Woman: “Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it’s been very helpful.

Man: “Really?”

Woman: “Yes! I’ve already located 17 people who sell them!”

The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention to his replies.

“Are you feeling OK?” he asked.

“Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet,” she admitted. “Is there a name for my condition?”

“Why yes, there is,” he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch. “It’s called ‘Good News’.”

THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God

PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says “Look at the choo-choo”
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

THE DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the track
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She IS God

Teacher, I can’t solve this problem.
Any five year old should be able to solve this one.
No wonder I can’t do it then, I’m nearly ten!

Following are a sampling of test answers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school and college students around the world.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.

To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.

For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.



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