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A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds’ legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor’s desk and said, “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?” With that the student threw his test on the professor’s desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn’t know every student’s name so as the student reached the door the professor called, “Mister, what’s your name?”

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, “You tell me buddy! You tell me!”

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

Dad’s Reply

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

FRESHMEN are never in bed past noon.
SENIORS are never out of bed before noon.

FRESHMEN read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
SENIORS read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.

FRESHMEN bring a can of soda into a lecture hall.
SENIORS bring a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into recitation class.

FRESHMEN call the professor “Professor.”
SENIORS call the professor “Bob.”

FRESHMEN would walk ten miles to get to class.
SENIORS drive to class if it’s further than three blocks away.

FRESHMEN memorize the course material to get a good grade.
SENIORS memorize the professor’s habits to get a good grade.

FRESHMEN know a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
SENIORS know where the next class is. Maybe…

FRESHMEN show up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
SENIORS show up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and box of pop tarts in hand.

FRESHMEN have to ask where the computer labs are.
SENIORS have their ‘own’ personal workstation.

FRESHMEN worry about the last freshman composition essay.
SENIORS worry about the last GRE essay.

FRESHMEN line up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
SENIORS start to think about buying textbooks in October. Maybe…

FRESHMEN look forward to first classes of the year.
SENIORS look forward to first beer party of the year.

FRESHMEN are proud of their A+ on Calculus I midterm.
SENIORS are proud of not-quite-failing their Complex Analysis midterm.

FRESHMEN call their girlfriends back home every other night.
SENIORS call Domino’s every other night.

FRESHMEN are appalled at the class size and callousness of profs.
SENIORS are appalled that the campus ‘Subway’ burned down over the summer.

FRESHMEN go on a grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus.
SENIORS have a beer with Mom before moving onto campus

FRESHMEN are excited about the world of possibilities that awaits them, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand their horizons and really make a contribution to society.
SENIORS are excited about new dryers in laundry room.

FRESHMEN take meticulous four-color notes in class.
SENIORS occasionally stay awake for all of class.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, “Oh geez, better get cracking,” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.”
13. If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
14. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
15. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
16. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
17. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up!
18. For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
19. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
20. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
21. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
22. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
23. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
24. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
25. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
26. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Screw this!” and walk out triumphantly.
27. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
28. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
29. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
30. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
31. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
32. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
33. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “You don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”
34. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
35. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
36. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
37. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get PI and imaginary numbers into most equations.
38. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
39. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
40. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
41. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”
42. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
43. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
44. One word: Wrestlemania.
45. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
46. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
47. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
48. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
49. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
50. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
51. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
52. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “It helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so.”
53. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks.”

A professor, teaching a college sexuality class, was discussing the frequency of sex that could still be considered normal. “Many people find that sex every other week is sufficient frequency to satisfy, and that’s fine. Yet others want to make love nightly, and there’s nothing wrong with that either. Let’s take an informal survey of this class. Don’t be embarrassed. Please answer honestly. How many people here make love more than twice a week?”

A few hands shot up.

“Twice a week?”

A few more hands.

“Weekly, on average?”

Many hands.

“Once every two weeks?” he continued and, “Once a month?” and “Once every several months?” and finally, “Once a year?”

At this last category, one hand shot up, waving most eagerly. “Pardon my curiosity,” the professor asked, “But if you only make love once a year, why are you so excited over it?”

Replied the student, “Tonight’s the night!”



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