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There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all,
And now he’s a college professor.

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her room-mate.

“Terrible!” the room-mate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”

“He was the original owner!”

Three men were due to be executed one day – one University of Alabama graduate, one Florida State graduate and one Auburn University graduate.

The Alabama grad was the first to be brought in front of the firing squad. Just when they were about to fire, he shouted, “Tornado!” The guards all turned around, and he escaped by jumping over the wall.

Next in line was the Florida State grad, now confident that he too will be able to escape. So, just when they were about to fire, he shouted, “Flood!” The guards turned around and he too managed to escape.

Now it was the turn of the Auburn grad, wondering what disaster he could use (now that tornado and flood had been used). Finally, just when the guards were about to shoot, he shouted, “Fire!”

A Tennessee graduate and a Bama graduate decided to rob a bank together. The Bama man plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the UT guy extensively.

The robbery begins. The Bama man drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the Vol, “I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?”

“Perfectly,” said the Vol.

The Vol goes in the bank while the Bama man waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes … Two minutes pass …Seven minutes pass and the Bama guy is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes the Vol. He’s got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard’s pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the guys are getting away, the Bama man says, “Man, I thought you understood the plan!”

The Vol said, “I did … I did exactly what you said!”

“No, you idiot,” said the Bama man. “You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!”

Here is a list of the ways professors grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
Grades are variable.

DEPT OF LOGIC:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
Random number generator determines grade.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and – would be sharp and flat respectively).



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