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Two computer science students met on campus one day. The first student called out to the other, “Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?”
“Well,” replied the other, “I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rode up on this bike. She jumped off, took off all of her clothes, and said, “You can have ANYTHING you want!”
“Good choice,” said the first. “Her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

1. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

2. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”

3. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as “KKK.”

4. Mutter repeatedly, “Not again… not again… not again.”

5. When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”

6. Deny the existence of chemicals.

7. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.

8. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

9. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid.

10. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

A guy walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he’d like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.

“Listen buddy,” he growled. “See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame’s all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?”

“Nah, guess not,” the man replied. “I wouldn’t want to have to explain it 5 times.”

Q: What is the definition of an Auburn virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.

I have three college degrees:

B.S. – Bull Shit

M.S. – More of the Same

Ph.D. – Piled Higher and Deeper

© 2015