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After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bud’s trailer house, Bud asked, “What is the usual tip?”

“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”

“Is that so?” snorted Bud. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”

“What are you studying?” asked Bud.

The lad smiled and said, “Applied psychology.”

ON FIGHTING:

* “I’ll kick your butt!”
Translation: “I’m gonna get about 20 of my frat buddies together and we’re gonna wield bats and hope we can catch you asleep under a tree so we can beat you up!”
* “I’ve never lost a fight.”
Translation: “I’ve never been in a fight.”
* “I’m about to introduce you to a world of pain.”
Translation: “I’m gonna get a football player to beat you up.”
* “Surely we can talk this out like rational human beings.”
Translation: “Not the face! Not the face!”
* “I believe in a fair fight.”
Translation: “We’ll start the fight when my back up arrives.”

ON EDUCATION:

* “By taking the initiative to go on to a university and further my education, I hope to broaden my horizons, open new eployment opportunities, and be a better person on the whole.”
Translation: “I’m here for the beer.”

ON MEETING WOMEN:

* “Would you like to dance?”
Translation: “Please give me a reason to touch you.”
* “That’s a very interesting name you have.”
Translation: “That’s a very interesting name you have. Of course, in five minutes, I’ll be so absorbed by alcohol and staring at your legs that I won’t remember it.”

ON RELATIONSHIPS:

* “I think I love you.”
Translation: “God, I hope I wasn’t stupid enough to give you my real phone number.”

ON SOCIAL ISSUES:

* “I totally agree with your stance and am angered how my race has oppressed you for so long.”
Translation: “Just because I can’t make you sit at the back of the bus does not mean I have to like you.”
* “The plight of your people is truly an awe-inspiring tale.”
Translation: “I hate you [insert appropriate racial slur here].”
* “I want you to know that despite our color differences, I think of you as a brother.”
Translation: “Please don’t mug me.”
* “Not enough people take birth control seriously.”
Translation: “So what if it IS my kid, I don’t see how it’s my problem.”
* “Something needs to be done about the homeless problem in our country.”
Translation: “Can’t we shoot them or something?”
* “It breaks my heart to think somewhere in the world, a small child will go to bed without his dinner again tonight.”
Translation: “Better him than me.”

ON RELIGION:

* “I respect Christianity. Jesus was a great man, full of love and patience. The hate he had to endure, and yet he still loved us all. He truly was the Son of God.”
Translation: “Anyone who turns water to wine can’t be all bad.”

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you’ve only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds’ legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor’s desk and said, “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?” With that the student threw his test on the professor’s desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn’t know every student’s name so as the student reached the door the professor called, “Mister, what’s your name?”

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, “You tell me buddy! You tell me!”

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.
“Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.
Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!



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