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Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Antonio Banderas & Melanie Griffith went to church every week, but every week without fail Antonio would fall asleep during the sermon. Melanie, being
embarrassed by Antonio’s snoring decided to bring a needle and poke him when he nods off.

The next week Antonio as always fell asleep. When the preacher asked “Who created the earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th”. Melanie stuck Antonio
and he jumped up and exclaimed “Oh my God!”. The preacher said ” That’s correct”. Antonio soon fell asleep again. Then the preacher asked
“And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation’”. Melanie stuck Antonio again when he jumped up and said “Jesus Christ!”.The
preacher said “Right again”.

With this Antonio fell suspicious of Melanie and decided to catch her in the act. Antonio pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on Melanie when the preacher said “What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born’”. Melanie started to poke Antonio again, but before she could Antonio jumped and exclaimed “If you stick that damn thing in me again, I’m going to break it in half!”

After this incident the couple stopped going to church…

Q: What three golfers would you not want to be behind on a golf course?

A: O. J. Simpson because he’s a slicer, Monica because she’s a hooker, and Bill Clinton because he never knows what hole he’s on.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a local bar in Malibu, California.

He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when Pamela Anderson, who at that time happens to be in the same bar stands on her chair and says, “I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way’ What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being’” The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

“It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community,” she continued,”and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large… all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. Pamela Anderson interjects, “You stay out of this, mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton- John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark’s brother on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then Mr. Lucky, then Martin Short, then football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.

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