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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a local bar in Malibu, California.

He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when Pamela Anderson, who at that time happens to be in the same bar stands on her chair and says, “I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way’ What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being’” The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

“It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community,” she continued,”and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large… all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. Pamela Anderson interjects, “You stay out of this, mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton- John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark’s brother on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then Mr. Lucky, then Martin Short, then football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.

A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the bar was Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg. After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous director was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the director. Picking himself up, he yelled, “What the hell was that for?”
The director ranted, “That’s for the bombing of Pearl Harbor; my dad perished in that bombing!”
“I am not Japanese, you idiot! I am Chinese!”
“Yeah, yeah,yeah… Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, you are all the same”, retorted Spielberg.
Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat to the floor.
“What was that for?” exclaimed the director.
“That’s for sinking the Titanic! I had ancestors on that ship!” the Chinese replied.
“You ignorant man! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!” shouted the director.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah… Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you are all the same!”

Q: What three golfers would you not want to be behind on a golf course?
A: O. J. Simpson because he’s a slicer, Monica because she’s a hooker, and Bill Clinton because he never knows what hole he’s on.

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver’s window, he was astounded to find Renee Zellweger behind the wheel and she was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!” at the top of his lungs. “No!” the Renee Zellweger yelled back, “Scarf!”



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