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Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

George Bernard Shaw sent Sir Winston Churchill two tickets to his new play. “Bring a friend if you have one”, Shaw wrote.

Churchill replied, “I can’t attend that night, but perhaps some other night, if there are any others after the opening performance.”

Antonio Banderas & Melanie Griffith went to church every week, but every week without fail Antonio would fall asleep during the sermon. Melanie, being
embarrassed by Antonio’s snoring decided to bring a needle and poke him when he nods off.

The next week Antonio as always fell asleep. When the preacher asked “Who created the earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th”. Melanie stuck Antonio
and he jumped up and exclaimed “Oh my God!”. The preacher said ” That’s correct”. Antonio soon fell asleep again. Then the preacher asked
“And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation'”. Melanie stuck Antonio again when he jumped up and said “Jesus Christ!”.The
preacher said “Right again”.

With this Antonio fell suspicious of Melanie and decided to catch her in the act. Antonio pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on Melanie when the preacher said “What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born'”. Melanie started to poke Antonio again, but before she could Antonio jumped and exclaimed “If you stick that damn thing in me again, I’m going to break it in half!”

After this incident the couple stopped going to church…

It was June 2006 and it was George Bush’s birthday. He went down to breakfast knowing Laura Bush would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for him.

She didn’t even say “Good Morning,” let alone any “Happy Birthday.” He thought, “Well, that’s wives for you. The children will remember.” The children came down to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

Then he started to the office and was feeling pretty low and despondent. As he walked into his office, his personal secretary, Janet said, “Good Morning, Mr. President, Happy Birthday.” And he felt a little better; someone had remembered. He worked until noon.

Then, Janet knocked on his door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.”

He said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.” He went to lunch. They didn’t go where they normally go; they went out into the country to a little private place. They had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we'” He said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment she said, “Mr. President, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” he excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by his wife, children, and dozens of his friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday… …and there on the couch he sat… naked !

Q: What’s the difference between Bob Barker and Lorena Bobbit?

A: One is a slick pricer and the other is a prick slicer.

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