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One day three midgets decided they wanted to be in the record books the fist one says “I have pretty short arms”, so he goes and succeeds. The second one says “I have pretty short legs,” so he goes and succeeds. The third one says “I have a very small penis,” and when he comes back he says “Who the hell is Leonardo DiCaprio?”

Q: What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
A: Ince pies!

Sarah Jessica Parker rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: ‘Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!’
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: ‘Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….’

Eva Langoria, Britney Spears and a Carmen Electra were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. Carmen went first. ‘I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!’ ‘Okay,’ replied the genie. And off she went. Then Eva Langoria went. ‘I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!’ And off she went. Britney started crying and said, ‘I wish my friends were back here!’

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger’s tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, “How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?”

Arnold replies: “When I was your age, I’d just play right over this tree.”

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol’ Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: “Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”



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