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Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. “I have met the man of my dreams, finally, the love of my life!” she announces to the surgeon, “But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and don’t want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina look like that of an 18 year old.”
The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation.
“But one thing” Liz says “you have to swear to me that no one knows about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!”
“I swear Liz” the surgeon replies.
The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining consciousness, Liz’s eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her, Liz bursts into tears.
“How could you do this to me!!! You swore that not a soul would hear of this operation!!!”
“No, no Liz, I didn’t tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me. I’ve been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years, I just wanted to make you feel good.The second arrangement is from the anesthesiologist, he’s gay, he’s one of your biggest fans, and I thought it was okay, since he’s worked side by side with me on your operation.”
Liz’s eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger, “And who sent those?”
“Oh yeah” the surgeon replied. “Those are from a guy in the burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears”.

Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzenegger are in an airplane. There are lots of kids on the plane with them.
Suddenly an engine catches fire. The plane is going to crash. Realising this, Arnie and Michael grab the only two parachutes on the plane.

“What about the kids’” asks Michael

“F**k the kids” Arnie replies

Michael thinks for a moment and says

“Do you think we have time’”

A rather old, yet timeless, joke about John Barrymore

John Barrymore, watching a tense football game, was distracted by the man next to him, who bragged, “When I was in college I helped Harvard beat Yale three times in a row.”

“Is that so?” snapped Barrymore, “which team were you playing on?”

Q: What goes “click click, Is that it?, click click, Is that it?”

A: Steveie Wonder doing a rubik’s cube

Paris Hilton made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with Nicole Richie.

Nicole Richie suggested, “There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it’s not going to be legal.”

“That doesn’t matter at all,” replied Paris Hilton. “All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.”

“Alright,” replied Nicole. In a quiet voice, she told Paris: “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here.
Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell your car.”

The following weekend, the Paris Hilton took a trip to the mechanic on the Nicole’s advice.

About one month after that, both of them met and Nicole asked, “Did you sell your car’”

“No!” replied Paris Hilton. “Why should I’ It only has 40,000 miles on it.”

© 2015