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Lindsay Lohan is travelling from Kansas City to Toronto for the shooting of her new Movie A Woman of No Importance.

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry … we can fly just fine on two engines.”

An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry… we still have one engine left.”

Lindsay Lohan turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger’s tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, “How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?”

Arnold replies: “When I was your age, I’d just play right over this tree.”

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol’ Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: “Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”

January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…”duh”…bottles won’t fit in typewriter!

March – Got excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…box said “2-4 years!”

April – Trapped on escalator for hours…power went out!

May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!

June – Tried to go water skiing…couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition…learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August – Got locked out of car in rain storm…car swamped, because top was down.

September – The capital of California is “C”…isn’t it’

October – Hate M & M’s…they are so hard to peel.

November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December – Couldn’t call 911…”duh”…there’s no “eleven” button on the phone!

What a year!

Q: What’s the chilliest ground in the premiership?
A: Cold Trafford!

Snoop Dogg had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet his wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to conscious, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what’ You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got arrested, you were there to support me. When my movies flopped, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now. …

I think you bring me bad luck!”

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