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Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.”

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay”. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, “Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand.” Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks “Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?” Sean replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet.”

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Antonio Banderas & Melanie Griffith went to church every week, but every week without fail Antonio would fall asleep during the sermon. Melanie, being
embarrassed by Antonio’s snoring decided to bring a needle and poke him when he nods off.

The next week Antonio as always fell asleep. When the preacher asked “Who created the earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th”. Melanie stuck Antonio
and he jumped up and exclaimed “Oh my God!”. The preacher said ” That’s correct”. Antonio soon fell asleep again. Then the preacher asked
“And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation’”. Melanie stuck Antonio again when he jumped up and said “Jesus Christ!”.The
preacher said “Right again”.

With this Antonio fell suspicious of Melanie and decided to catch her in the act. Antonio pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on Melanie when the preacher said “What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born’”. Melanie started to poke Antonio again, but before she could Antonio jumped and exclaimed “If you stick that damn thing in me again, I’m going to break it in half!”

After this incident the couple stopped going to church…

Q: What three golfers would you not want to be behind on a golf course?

A: O. J. Simpson because he’s a slicer, Monica because she’s a hooker, and Bill Clinton because he never knows what hole he’s on.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a local bar in Malibu, California.

He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when Pamela Anderson, who at that time happens to be in the same bar stands on her chair and says, “I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way’ What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being’” The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

“It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community,” she continued,”and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large… all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. Pamela Anderson interjects, “You stay out of this, mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

© 2015