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Q. What did Helen Keller’s parents do to punish her for swearing?

A. Washed her hands with soap.

Paris Hilton talked about 15 of her all time favorite movies in the Late Show With David Letterman.

15. Alabama Jones and the Last Beer Run

14. S*O*U*R*M*A*S*H

13. Thelma-Louise

12. Back to the Future IV: I’m My Own Daddy!

11. 9 1/2 Teeth

10. Three to Tango, But Two Have To Hold the Cow Steady So You Don’t Get Knocked Off The Foot Stool

9. And the Band Played Freebird

8. Three Brides for Seven Brothers

7. Dog, Ma

6. Honey, I Blew My Cousin!

5. Three Men and Ned Beatty

4. Austin Texas: The Uncle Who Shagged Me

3. Being John Deere

2. How Stella Got Her Tooth Back

and Paris Hilton’s Number 1 Favorite Movie…

1. The Green Smile

Weather forecast for Lake Tahoe area…

Blizzard conditions and Sonny in the trees.

Q: What’s the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?

A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.

Wouldn’t drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.

Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.

Unwilling to try new things in bed…like her for instance.

Elephant Man bones…fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth…well okay. But what’s with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield’s body thing?

In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.

Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over.

She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any real military organization.

He started hanging out with Madonna’s dancers to toughen up his image.

Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor’s supporting you through some sordid allegation.

Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in ‘Jailbait Rock’, the story of her Mom and Dad’s courtship.

The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that ‘hee-hee-hee’ thing she fell in love with.

She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya’s Amway products for the sake of family peace.

Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn’t have kids THEY could marry.

Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.

She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese’s within a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.

He told her to “just beat it” one too many times.

He’s a plain spoken “Hoosier”, and she had clearly gone “Hollywood”.

She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight.

He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.

Irreconcilable similarities.

© 2015