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Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were having dinner at an expensive New York restaurant. It was the place to be seen and both had dressed for the occasion. Ginger was resplendent in a ball gown and diamond tiara while Fred wore his smartest morning suit. But the evening was marred when the waiter bringing their deserts tripped and covered Fred from head to toe in treacle sponge.
‘I’m terribly sorry’ said the waiter.
You should be’ replied Fred ‘Thanks to you I’ve got pudding on my top hat, pudding on my white tie, pudding on my tails.’

Martin Lawrence lost all his money drinking, making flop movies, gambling and doing crazy things. It was all over the papers and Tv on the 22nd of December that he was high on debts and is all broke. The very same night Martin Lawrence walks into a bar in Las Vegas. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”

The bartender said, ” I have heard all about you today on TV and I know you ain’t worth a dime. So I’ll need to see some money first.”

ML pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money’” asked the bartender.

“I just won five million dollars at Harrah’s ,” replied ML.

The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right’”

“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said ML.

“Like what’” asked the bartender.

“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.

The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.

So, ML pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid ML his $50.

“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said ML.

The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, ML pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.

“That’s how I won so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said ML.

With that, Martin went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”

The bartender once again pondered the bet. ML couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.

ML climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”

Martin Lawrence climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”

Reese Witherspoon was driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed a blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. Reese angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, ‘What do you think you’re doing’ It’s things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your butt!’

Wouldn’t drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.

Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.

Unwilling to try new things in bed…like her for instance.

Elephant Man bones…fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth…well okay. But what’s with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield’s body thing?

In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.

Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over.

She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any real military organization.

He started hanging out with Madonna’s dancers to toughen up his image.

Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor’s supporting you through some sordid allegation.

Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in ‘Jailbait Rock’, the story of her Mom and Dad’s courtship.

The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that ‘hee-hee-hee’ thing she fell in love with.

She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya’s Amway products for the sake of family peace.

Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn’t have kids THEY could marry.

Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.

She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese’s within a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.

He told her to “just beat it” one too many times.

He’s a plain spoken “Hoosier”, and she had clearly gone “Hollywood”.

She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight.

He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.

Irreconcilable similarities.

Q. What does Michael Jackson and a Nintendo have in common?

A. They are both made of plastic and kids turn them on.



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